The Black Book Race TV Series

Diary excerpts from the first contestants—the complete text can be found on the TV series website.

Day One

Jack:

They are making me write this! They are in control and they make me write 4 pages in this little black book twice a day. The rules for what to say aren’t written, just told me over a loudspeaker. They ordered me to sit on a big couch in the woods. Is this for social distancing?

Robert:

We act like we are free, but the megaphone tells us what to do before every scene. That’s so fake! I found a shortcut to this writing commandment from the God in the Sky. Every rule in life has a work around and mine is to just copy from the handout for my 4 pages. Here:

The Barkley Marathon —The coronavirus precautions and travel restrictions postponed the 2020 Barkley Marathon until next year. Billed as the toughest trail race in the world, runners gather in the mountains of East Tennessee, where they must complete the 120-mile unmarked course in less than 60 hours.

Instead of this year's ultramarathon, the race organizers are working with the producer of an upcoming TV series, The Black Book Race, to film competing teams hiking along the marathon course. A new episode starts every four days when a four-person team races to navigate the course over four days and three nights. Each team will demonstrate teamwork at backpacking and camping skills, with cameras following their every move.

Cynthia:

This is going to be so much fun! I thought I failed the audition, but I must have done way better than I thought, because I’m here! The adventure race starts in one hour! I’m gonna be on TV! I’ve met my teammates and we look like a real cross section of America. I thought I’d be here with a bunch of jocks, but I feel right at home.

Alice:

Writing my feelings about my teammates is easy peasy. Ranking the gear every day is harder. My only experience camping was waiting in line all night for the new iPhone release. We’re all actors in a fake reality TV show and we’ll each be playing a role. I think I’m the pretty one who doesn’t get voted out.

Off-screen announcement:

This is your reminder to complete your journaling and then stow your little black books in your backpacks. The trek begins in ten minutes. Happy hiking!

Jack:

Getting to the camp before dinner was a nightmare. We split into two groups because the women had crazy ideas about the map. My compass didn’t make sense and Robert insisted on leading and he was more lost than me. As it got darker, they gave us headlamps. My lens fell out. I’ll give that a bad review. The camera crew finally led us in. At each checkpoint, there was a sign with a number, and I wrote that down in my black book as proof. I missed some. Am I penalized points?

Robert:

The four-man tent was new out of the box, so where were the damn directions? This was another scripted teamwork test I’m sure. We ended up crawling under a collapsed tent because Jack snapped a pole. He wouldn’t listen to me. Will they make us vote someone out based on our daily rankings? I expect some kind of surprise double-cross from the director. I’ll stay ahead of the game.

Cynthia:

We’re adults but tonight feels like a teenage slumber party. We shared stories about who we are and where we came from before falling asleep in sleeping bags. We get to keep our gear after the race!

Alice:

My evening job was filtering two gallons of water for dinner and cleanup. The water filter pump barely spit out a few ounces after thirty minutes struggling with it. After giving me several different filters, the director just gave me the water I needed. Am I going to lose because of that? Jack acts like I let the team down. Mister Screw-up himself.

Day Two

Jack:

The fire starter didn’t work and then they gave me another fire starter and that piece of crap didn’t work either. Then they blamed me for a cold breakfast. What's fair about that? Angry-Ass Alice is even worse than those fire starters. She won't shut up about anything. At least the food didn’t taste like smoke.

Robert:

We each wear a name tag with our first name, and job description. I’m “Robert, the executive.” I bet our onscreen captions will match to make it easier for the audience to remember us. Alice and Jack complain like hell about everything. They’re so overweight, how’d they get through tryouts? What role am I supposed to play? Group leader to a band of misfits?

Cynthia:

We focus on our gear so much, no one talks about how lovely the wooded hills are here. Who cares if the wet wood won’t blaze—every night the stars are a shower of sparks over my head. Stars don’t have sponsors, do they? Wait. Tonight’s evening sky is brought to you by Fantastic Optical, custom eyeglasses that make the sky sparkle. Yay! I should be a writer for this show.

Alice:

What’s the point of having us all sleep in one big tent? We get a different brand every night and then struggle to assemble it without instructions and Robert snores. I want to strangle him. I can say that, can’t I? The voice in the sky orders us to rank people and products every day. Robert is more annoying than the stuck zipper on my sleeping bag. I wish I could zip his lips.

Day Three

Jack:

Our last day, Thank God! They are collecting our black books before bedtime. The hardest part has been my sore feet. The camera man took a big interest in my damn boots. They’ve given me three different pairs and filmed me adjusting my laces and removing my socks and putting on blister bandages, over and over. Are my feet supposed to be great TV drama?

Robert:

It’s obvious that all is not as it appears. I suspect that one of us is a mole, meant to make friends before a double-cross at the final vote. The plant, if I have him spotted right, is Jack. Nobody could screw up that much by accident.

Cynthia:

I have figured this race out! Everything we carry and eat and wear has a big logo on it. These are all paid product placements. We are all becoming ‘influencers’ and this is the beginning of us being famous for just using stuff. Instagramers and TikTokers will love us. Except I’m not that good at hiking and camping. How is me struggling with gear going to make me a social media influencer?

Alice:

The loudspeaker gives us instructions about roughing it, but I think they take joy in our fumbling. My last journal entry tonight is supposed to be a ranking of everyone. And more ratings for our crap equipment. Robert is so condescending. Who made him boss? Jack is the worst. He told me that I’m doing well for a girl. I shot back, “You speak English well for a boy from Georgia.”

Jack:

The kayaking across the river was Voyage of the Titanic. Blowing it up by mouth took a damn hour, even with us taking turns. Alice refused to take her turn on the air valve. We all passed a COVID test to get here, so why is she so special? Why didn’t they give us a foot pump? The kayak got a hole as soon as we launched from the rocky shore. We made it across, but then we had to go back across and film it again with two more kayaks. I get tired of having to repeat everything. This is all so staged, maybe because nothing works the first time.

Robert:

What’s with the living room couches at every campsite? We’re backpacking campers, but every evening we sit on a comfy couch talking to a camera? How does that make survival skill sense? Alice says the Mystery of the Couch is that the brand names will be inserted onscreen. I just love how Jack doesn’t care what people think. That takes a special kind of person, I’m sure.

Cynthia:

I think we’ve bonded these three days and I’ll be sad to say goodbye. I hate to rank my teammates since they all tied for being helpful. Most of the failures were due to gear malfunctions, not us.

Alice:

My couch interview filmed me going over our gear and showing how to use it, one last time. Is that because I’m the pretty one? I can’t wait to see myself on TV.

Final Day

All of the contestants are gathered in an open field after enjoying a catered breakfast. Everyone is relaxing on one of several couches after the final four-mile hike from the overnight camp.

Off-screen announcement:

Welcome to the finish line! The bus taking you back to your families will be here any minute. The race is over, except this wasn’t a race. All of you are winners, of sorts. The hiking and camping skills you mostly failed at weren’t graded. No one gets voted out.

We only graded the comments in your little black book, which we are giving you back as a souvenir. People who keep a hand-written journal when they travel have the best recall of events and we hope you take home some wonderful memories. Our series sponsor, The Online Couch, uses daily journaling for their online therapy sessions. They believe that persaonal goal-setting is aided by hand-written notes. Their satisfied customer base has grown rapidly during the pandemic times we are in. Yes, that explains the couch interviews.

The judges counted each positive thought you wrote about your team members and yourself. We scored you on empathy and self-awareness. The purpose of the writing was inner reflection, not ranking others as you thought. The winner, Cynthia—wave hello to everyone at home, Cynthia—had the most positive things to say about the challenges and her teammates. She wins the surprise prize of $20,000. Congratulations on your karma, Cynthia! As The Online Couch’s mantra says, “What you give, is how you’ll live.”

Second prize goes to the contestant with the most negative views of himself and others. Jack, you deserve our sympathies for spending three days in hell, as you describe it in your journal. You receive a year’s worth of free counseling at The Online Couch, who reminds our viewers, “If you don’t like the path you’re on, blaze your own.”

And now the biggest surprise! You will all be featured in the seven episodes to follow this one. You’ve been living in a three-day commercial. Your mishaps will be in trailers for the series. Your failed attempts at camping will be spliced in next to our sponsors’ products to show how much better camping is with good equipment. Future contestants will be using gear that is better and easier. Sponsors will love being placed next to segments of your failures, and you’ll be paid extra for these anti-endorsements. You’ll be demonstrating how to make the outdoors not fun. Your comments and experiences are the one star product reviews that are fun to read.

You were cast in the Black Book Race TV series because each of you was inept, either at strenuous activity or mechanical aptitude or team work, or all three. And that’s the important self-esteem lesson today from our sponsor, The Online Couch. Everyone has value, if only to be used as a bad example.