Terror Comes to Sesame Street

(previously published in KSquare and Reddit)

At one tme, "Sesame Street" was in danger of cancellation, not from lack of viewership, but from lack of funding. This is one of several scripts written for what would be the final segments featuring each of the show's beloved characters

Characters

Ernie – A short, oval-headed, orange-toned young man clad in a long-sleeve red, yellow and purple horizontal striped shirt, sneakers, and jeans. Immature but clever, he loves playing practical jokes, especially on his best friend and roommate, Bert.

Bert – A tall, conical-headed, yellow-hued man in a vee neck multicolored vertical striped shirt over a white turtleneck with chinos and saddle shoes. He has a prominent monobrow and tends to be uptight.

Setting

Bert and Ernie’s one bedroom, one bath apartment on Sesame Street in New York City.

Ernie comes home and opens the door to THE APARTMENT. It’s dark, no lights on, with the curtains drawn over the rooms two windows. A lam in the middle of the room clicks on, revealing Bert sitting in his chair, which is molded with a large B on the frame.

Bert (in a monotone): Hello Ernie. I’m so glad you’re home.

Ernie: Bert! You’re here! Why are you sitting in the dark, Bert?

B (still in monotone): I like the dark Ernie. The dark and the quiet. It helps me gather the thoughts that are so scattered with you’re here. It gives me time to reflect.

E: Reflect on what? Why are you talking like that, Bert?

B: Because, Ernie, I’ve had enough.

He gets up, locks the door behind Ernie. He pauses and looks at Ernie, who moves to the center of the room. As Bert speaks he approaches Ernie, growing louder with each accusation.

You replaced my dry oatmeal with confetti.

You’ve woken me up in the middle of the night by singing and playing the bugle more times than I can remember.

You used my bottle cap collection to put custom rims on your toy cars.

You used the best paperclip in my paperclip collection to clean out your ears and your fingernails.

E: It was all in good fun, Bert!

B: Fun?FUN? FUN FOR WHO? YOU? IT SURE WASN’T FUN FOR ME, ERNIE!

Bert continues to advance. Ernie puts his hands up defensively.

E: Oh come on Bert, calm down! We’ve always been pals!

B: We have been, Ernie. We had been. Until Bernice. You should have left my pigeons alone, Ernie. You knew they meant the world to me. Especially Bernice. Her graceful little neck. The pink around her eyes. The way she’d coo when she’d roller skate. That pigeon was my soul, Ernie, and you ruined her. It’s time to pay for your crimes, Ernie. It’s time to pay for Bernice.

As Bert approaches we have a straight-on shot of Bert’s face, growing in the camera’s view until our view is filled with the center of Bert’s face. The rage-filled eyes. The bulbous orange nose. The enormous monobrow.

E: No Bert! I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Bert! No!

Fade to black.

Fade in. As we fade in on THE BATHROOM we hear sloshing and squeaking. We fade in very slowly, as the voices begin.

(SQUEAK)

B: What’s that, Rubber Ducky?

(SQUEAK SQUEAK)

Fade in reveals Bert’s stomach and chest. Bert is in the tub, which is full of suds. Some of them are pinkish red.

B: Yes. Ernie is sorry.

Fade in full and pull back. Frame is filled by Bert in the tub, holding Rubber Ducky in his hand. The tub is a large claw foot model, no detail of the wall behind him. Ernie’s severed hands, cut off mid-wrist rest on either side of the tub. Bert is wearing Ernie’s head for a hat on the peak of his conical head.

(SLOW SQUEAK)

B: He’s so sorry. Heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh.

Fade out.