Spongebob: The New Spongebob Movie is the worst thing in 2020 since the Coronavirus

Spongebob: The New Spongebob Movie is the worst thing to happen to 2020 since the coronavirus. This movie was so bad it made me wish that movie theatres remained closed, and it made me reconsider if they should ever reopen if this is the kind of shit Hollywood passes off as a movie nowadays.

By halfway through Act 1 of the movie, I could already tell it was going to be a worse version of the original. It’s basically the same plot, Spongebob and Patrick have to go on a journey to stop Neptune, or in this case Poseidon, from doing a thing, but without A; any of the character motivation/development of the first movie, or B; any of the brilliant witty jokes, or pure imagination of the original.

So the next thing that happens is there’s this weird ass sequence in the desert and maybe it’s a dream or something, Keanu Reeves shows up, and at first it's like "Hey it's Keanu," But then after a while it's like "Oh no, you're in this movie? Keanu get out!" Then there is a rap musical number with Snoop Dog, and then Spongebob and Patrick murder Danny Trejo. This sequence is bad, but it’s so fucking weird that it’s kind of entertaining, and initially got a pass from me.

Then they make it to Atlantic City, and yeah, we’re already at the end destination of the movie, even though only 2 things have happened so far, they set out on their journey, and they killed Danny Trejo, and somehow we’re at the end now. Also, they keep referring to it as "the Lost City of Atlantic City," but it’s not lost because they just go there, and there’s like thousands of people there. They even have a public execution that is announced over the news which is how the rest of the Spongebob characters learn to go there.

Now I was pretty apathetic towards the movie at this point, like I wasn’t really enjoying it, but it didn’t anger or offend me either. But this next sequence, truly made me turn on the movie. Some plot stuff happens and Spongebob is about to be executed, but then just in time all his friends show up to help him out. And Sandy is like "Don’t kill Spongebob, I remember when I met him as a kid at summer camp and he was nice to me and inspired me to become an inventor." And we get this dumbass flashback that changes of them meeting as kids. Only that’s not how Spongebob and Sandy met, they met when Sandy moves into Bikini Bottom. It's like the second episode of the show, Tea at the Treedome. I was there when the episode came out! It did happen! I saw it happen! Don’t tell me it didn’t happen! It has like, all the memes: "When in doubt, pinky out." "I don’t need it. I don't need it" "Water would be nice!" So don’t fucking try to tell me that it happened any differently! And you’re gonna imply that Spongebob inspired Sandy to become a scientist? Then how the actual fuck, did she get there? She’s a squirrel, the whole point of her character is that she is basically an astronaut exploring the sea, she came underwater in a rocket that she built, how the hell else did she arrive at this underwater summer camp if she wasn’t already an inventor?

But then the scene keeps going, and we get more flashbacks of how every character also met Spongebob at summer camp, and they were somehow all the same age, even though Squidward is clearly supposed to be older than Spongebob and Patrick. We even get a scene where Spongebob inspires Mr. Krabs to start his own restaurant.

W H Y

And this sequence honestly goes on for like 20 minutes. And this is supposed to be the big climax of the movie, and it’s just stupid flashbacks to baby versions of the characters. I guess we have Baby Groot to thank for that, teaching Hollywood the lesson that, thing + baby = money. It’s this awful, completely unearned, barely set up emotional moment that goes on for way too long and falls completely flat. This movie is only an hour and a half and it felt like 3. Yet simultaneously, almost nothing happens in its entirety.

Also, I don’t like the animation style. It’s doing this weird thing where it’s computer animation, but they like cut out certain frames or something to give it this choppy feel, and gave it these harsh textures to make it look like stop motion for some reason. Sandy looks horrifying, especially her fur and I just do not understand it at all. If you're going for a raw animation style, why not just make it look like the show?

They also just throw a bunch of pop songs that you already like into the movie at seemingly random intervals, I assume to distract the audience from the bland nothing that they are watching. The original movie has like multiple great and memorable songs. Even Sponge Out of Water used music that referenced the show in it's live action segments, and the rest of the movie was just like a longer episode of the show with great weird Mad Max jokes and a laser dolphin.

If this movie was at least funny, I could probably forgive it, but it isn't, and it has the audacity to tarnish Stephen Hillenburg's name by dedicating this dumpster fire to his memory.

This is the most depressing piece of media I have consumed since The Last of Us Part 2, not because the story was sad, but because the movie was awful. This is the worst thing to happen to film since Suicide Squad won an academy award. Stay home, not because of the pandemic, but because nothing could be worse than witnessing this horrible movie shaped cash grab.