Quibi’s ‘Home Movie: The Princess Bride’ Cast: Ranked

Is this article completely irrelevant and outdated? Absolutely. Am I writing it anyway? Of course.

What is Home Movie: The Princess Bride?

Remember fifteen-ish years ago, at the beginning of the pandemic, when all those celebrities collaborated on a cover of John Lennon’s Imagine, and everyone hated it? Well, Quibi did something similar, but since it was Quibi, no one cared. When Quibi officially announced its shutdown about a month ago, I got the free trial, because why not? I was curious to see whether this colossal failure had actually deserved to die. The first “film” I ended up watching was Home Movie: The Princess Bride. Like the infamous cover of Imagine, Quibi’s Home Movie: The Princess Bride is a film made entirely by celebrities (specifically actors) shooting themselves from home during the pandemic, using only their phones. However, unlike the infamous cover of Imagine, Quibi’s Home Movie: The Princess Bride is pretty freaking fantastic.

Directed by Jason Reitman, Home Movie: The Princess Bride is a direct remake of Rob Reiner’s The Princess Bride from 1987, which was itself an adaptation of William Goldman’s 1973 novel. William Goldman wrote the screenplay for the original adaptation and, as it turns out, he also wrote the screenplay for the 2020 adaptation; not one line, not even a single word from the 1987 film is removed or altered in any way (it is, however, split into ten chapters). What Jason Reitman does instead of playing with the script is play with the cast. There are ONE HUNDRED SEPARATE PERFORMANCES in this film, and they’re given by recognizable stars for the most part! Actors inhabit the roles originated by Cary Elwes, Robin Wright, etc. for one scene or even just one line before being swapped out by another performer. As you can imagine, it was only natural that I began to compare the different performances to each other; this list is what resulted.

A Disclaimer

The following ranking is the most subjective and arbitrary thing you will ever see in your life, or at least this week. Now, almost all rankings of art are arbitrary, and they certainly are all subjective, so this shouldn’t be a surprise. But I feel obligated to make sure you know that this really is stupid. There are a several subconscious factors why it ended up the way it did:

• Whether or not I am already a fan of an actor
• Whether or not I am a fan of the character the actor plays
• The actor’s screentime, as well as what scene or lines they perform.
• Performers are likely to be ranked right next to other actors who are in the same chapter, or playing the same character.
• If the actor is genderbending, I likely ranked their performance a little higher than if they had played it straight.
• To be completely honest, I might’ve ranked certain performers higher or lower based on their ethnicity or natural accent.

Again, take everything with a grain of salt, as we all should with all art criticism. I encourage you to [somehow] watch this [completely unavailable] film for yourself, to see what you think. With that out of the way, enjoy the list:

100. Angela Kinsey as Vizzini (Chapter 3)

Kinsey’s is perhaps the only performance I had a negative reaction to; she’s just trying way too hard.

99. Oscar Nuñez as Indigo Montoya (Chapter 3)

98. Finn Wolfhard as Indigo Montoya (Chapter 4)

97. Fred Savage as The Grandson (Chapter 1)

Savage is the only cast member to return and play the role they originated. Unfortunately, his only job is to pick up a book and look bored, so I’m afraid he wasn’t able to shine as brightly this time around.

96. Jason Segel as Fezzik (Chapter 2)

95. Annabelle Wallis as Princess Buttercup (Chapter 1)

94. Chris Pine as Westley (Chapters 1, 5)

93. Hugh Jackman as Prince Humperdink (Chapter 1)

92. Mackenzie Davis as Princess Buttercup (Chapter 2)

Okay, while Davis unfortunately doesn’t get much more to do than look frightened, I must say that she looks uncannily like Robin Wright. If they had made your typical remake, Davis would’ve been a great choice.

91. David Spade as The Man in Black (Chapter 4)

90. John Malkovich as The Priest (Chapter 9)

89. Nick Kroll as Fezzik (Chapter 2)

88. Rob Reiner as The Grandfather (Chapters 1, 2)

87. Brandon Routh as Westley (Chapter 6)

86. Christopher Mintz-Plasse as Westley (Chapter 7)

85. Courtney Ford as Princess Buttercup (Chapter 6)

84. Sophie Turner as Westley (Chapter 6)

83. José Andrés as Prince Humperdink (Chapter 7)

82. Penélope Cruz as Prince Humperdink (Chapter 9)

What is she doing??? It’s kinda funny, actually.

81. Kimberly Brook as Princess Buttercup (Chapter 9)

80. Nick Kroll as Vizzini (Chapter 2, 3)

79. Nick Kroll as Indigo Montoya (Chapter 2)

78. Alice Oswalt as Princess Buttercup (Chapter 4)

Patton Oswalt’s daughter is absolutely adorable.

77. J. K. Simmons as The Grandfather (Chapter 2)

76. Sam Rockwell as The Man in Black (Chapter 5)

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