Predictions for 2021

January

ebay crashes under the strain of unwanted Christmas presents. The date for the 2021 annual November “Black Friday” and “Cyber Monday” sale event is announced by Amazon. It will be in November. All 30 days of it. Chocolate eggs for Easter 2022 go on sale in all the supermarkets. WeightWatchers come up with a new resolution to assist with weight loss – they encourage you to help all of your friends gain 15 pounds so you look thinner. To demonstrate politicians are not as stupid as they seem, governments throughout the world encourage their publicly-elected members to each take an IQ test, all thankfully proving negative. For each and every one of them. Once again, this is the year the world will end, but not until the 14th of the month at about 2.18pm, but thankfully, Microsoft will dash to the rescue and reboot it at 2.19pm. However, several countries will need updating immediately so the whole thing will slow down to a crawl while these are updated and the world is rebooted several times

February

So as not to be accused of turning kids into moronic zombies, TikTok starts a campaign to encourage its users to read more by putting very simple monosyllabic sub-titles on their pages. A story about UK’s Brexit makes it on to the front page of Scientology magazine. A famous celebrity man somewhere announces he is changing sex to become a man. In the UK, Labour blame the Conservatives for something which the Conservatives blame the Liberal Democrats for who in turn blame the Scottish National Party when it was actually the fault of the Welsh Government all along. A bank or four will announce that they might have mistakenly miss-sold thousands of its customers products they didn’t need at the time when they didn’t want them. By mistake. Apple unveils their iPhone 11 that sees extremely stupid people queuing outside Apple shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one while not realising Apple is actually launching the iPhone 13.

March

One Direction announce they are splitting up. Girls start fainting in their hundreds of thousands. One Direction apologise that they forgot they had already split up five years previously in 2016. David Beckham finds an area of skin that hasn’t been tattooed. Aliens land in the Vatican, see it is full of men wearing skirts and funny hats, and leave immediately. The UK's BBC 1 television station goes through an entire day (18th) without either a presenter, guest, same-old-same-old comedian or rapper totally mispronouncing basic English words. Amazon, Apple, Vodafone, ebay and PayPal announce they are going to pay what they consider is a fair amount of UK tax to make up for previous years of tax avoidance. According to their accountants that’s about 1%, providing there’s a very strong hurricane to tornado-style prevailing wind.

April

Britain re-joins the EU. The UK Labour Party declares that if they are elected to government, they will ban Christmas 2021 advertisements due to start next month. The Mayor of Liverpool unveils a new roundabout, the largest in the UK made entirely from hubcaps stolen in the city. Mike Ashley of Sports Direct announces he is taking over bankrupt Peterborough Council and making it the first Pay-As-You-Go Council in the country. The supermarkets gear up for their Christmas 2021 campaigns, clearing the shelves of the basic staple goods people need to live on so as to make way for fake trees, baubles, gaudy wrapping paper and left-over chocolate selection boxes and sugary cakes from 2019. Apple unveils an updated iPhone 11 that sees incredibly stupid people once again queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one. With an operating system that doesn’t work properly because they are actually releasing the iPhone 13 in a few weeks.

May

Elon Musk announces that he has found a way to offer hairdressing online. Meanwhile his new electric car, Tesla 55, is announced with a range of over 25 miles between charges. Sir James Dyson declares that he is developing an electronic helicopter. The Welsh Government concede to popular demand and announce that for ease of use, Welsh words will, from now on, contain vowels. The late USA President George H. W. Bush declares he will be running for leadership of the UK Labour Party. He immediately campaigns for Venezuela to be allowed enter the Eurovision Song Contest. Prince Charles takes the throne, only to be told by his mother to go back home to Clarence House, bring it back and get on with talking to trees and other flora. The Daily Express reports that Princess Diana is still dead. Taking Ukraine by complete surprise, the general election there is won by the judges from X-Factor .

June

English water companies all announce a hosepipe ban ‘just in case’. The National Lottery increases the number of Lotto balls to 102 as the new Gambling Tsar declares that advertisement breaks on television will be limited to seven bingo advertisement each. A solicitors' practice with a twee name that includes “solutions” announce their own TV station devoted entirely to helping people who haven’t had an accident claim compensation. Some singer or other who won one of Simon Cowell’s talent shows releases a record. It sells 13 copies and whizzes to number one. Apple unveils yet another updated iPhone 11 that sees very stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one.

July

Virgin Trains announce a new travel initiative whereby if you can find a British inter-city return train ticket cheaper than a return flight from Manchester to New York, they will refund the difference. President Trump admits he was a figment of the Republican Party’s imagination. The Green party announces plans to fight farming, saying “Plants are people, too!” Despite the hosepipe ban continuing, it has now been raining non-stop for 12 days in the UK, with 30% flooding. Gas, electricity and rail fare prices are suddenly increased by 43%. The Government clamps down on insurance compensation company claimers saying “they are very, very naughty”. A WWF wrestler passes a junior school exam.

August

Tesla announces plan to build psychic autonomous driving software that predicts where you’ll want to drive to before you’ve made a decision. Democratic parties throughout the world say they are declaring war on coal. Kanye West announces he is splitting up. The late 480 pound wrestler Giant Haystacks is the new face of WeightWatchers. Easter Eggs for 2023 go on sale in supermarkets. RyanAir refunds the cost of a flight to someone they acknowledge as having had an “unfortunate customer experience”, although they fail to reveal that said customer was in fact deceased at the time, it being the customer’s “unfortunate customer experience”. Sky offers a free Fiat 500 with every new television and broadband 18-month subscription, subsequently upsetting many existing subscribers.

September

As the effects of the warmest summer since 2013 take hold, England declares the hose pipe ban is to continue. Ozzy Osborne confirms he is still alive. Labour leadership potential George Bush Senior sues Italy for inventing pasta and pizza and as a result creating the world’s current obesity crisis. Dyson develop the first nuclear-powered vacuum cleaner. Yet another group of demented fundamentalists try to take over parts of the Middle East, although Tom Cruise does think Scientology won’t stand a chance against the murderous Islamic State with just their rather silly E-Meter Dianetics machine. Apple unveils an updated iPad that sees incredibly stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one.

October

Sub-aqua suits torn at the knees become a popular fashion item. A privet hedge is declared odds-on favourite to win Australia’s “X-Factor”. Valentine cards for 2022 go on sale in supermarkets. The supermarkets have also cleared their Christmas rubbish to make way for Easter eggs, although Christmas advertising on television ramps up to even more infuriating proportions. The iLoo, with built in WiFi, will be the Apple hit of the year, allowing people to broadcast a rather better variety of excrement directly to their TVs and to each other. The extraordinarily stupid people who would otherwise queue outside the Apple store for a slightly update iPhone or iPad, stupidly queue up outside the Apple store for this piece of soon-to-be-superceded junk

November

Black Friday and Cyber Monday month begins. President Trump's original idea of a huge Mexican wall is dropped in favour of an invisible dog fence. School safety is outsourced to private military contractors. The Rolling Stones announce their 60th Anniversary tour. Socialist political parties throughout the world unite to announce that in the run-up to Christmas, to avoid death on the roads, motorists, if they will insist on owning cars, should drive on the pavement. Nintendo unveils what they think is going to be the hit toy of the year - a small black box with two simple joysticks that control a small white ball that players hit to’ and fro’ across a green screen. Now that people are beginning to use 5G telephone services, the immediate roll out of 6G, which doesn’t work on any currently available phone, and won’t be available from any mobile providers until 2027, is announced. Apple unveils an updated iPhone and iPad that sees incredibly stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one.

December

Amazon have a quick Black November sale. Artificial Intelligence bots will serve as proxies to fight our social media wars, relieving us all of the anxiety of fighting each other on Facebook and Twitter. Ticketmaster announce the ending of the hated “booking fee” and instead announce the introduction of a flat fee for each visit to their website regardless of whether you are booking their overpriced tickets a year in advance of an event or not. Despite the previous seven months of Christmas consumer advertising for games consoles, tablets, phones and clothes etc, the Consumers’ Association take a church in France to court for daring to mention Jesus in its Christmas promotional activities.