Permission to Feel

Logan and Patton had been together for quite some time, but Logan noticed that there was something...different about his lover. He knew that Patton wasn't the same man he took a long time to admit he was in love with, but he didn't know why. He had tried confronting Patton about his concerns, but Patton always claimed that everything was fine and Logan still couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing.

One winter evening, Logan was walking around the house getting some steps in and keeping himself warm. However, he glanced through the crack of the door to the bedroom the couple shared and stopped in his tracks. At Logan's desk, there was Patton with the desk lamp on writing something down. Logan couldn't tell what Patton was writing, but he could tell that Patton didn't want anyone else to know about it since he crumpled up the paper and put it in the trash after hearing the squeaking of the floorboards. Logan hid in the supply closet as Patton left to make dinner. Once the coast was clear, Logan dove his way into their room and retrieved the balled-up paper. What he saw on it broke his heart.

Dear Santa,

I know I'm too old to write one of these, but there's one thing I would appreciate more than anything right now. If you can provide a sign, any sign, I would like permission to feel. If you can provide it, thank you. If not, I understand as long as you at least take care of yourself.

Signed,

Patton

Logan was stunned as he saw what Patton wrote. Who would restrict Patton of his right to feel...anything? He tried to think back to figure out who or what might've brought caused Patton so much pain.

When Logan was envisioning his memories, he initially thought he didn't have enough information. It wasn't until he noticed details as infinitesimal as a disapproving shake of the head that he made towards an excited Patton to the scowls he made until Patton's smiles faltered to even his blatant disapproval of the things that made Patton laugh or scared did Logan realize who was responsible for the damage.

Logan snapped out of it when Patton called him down for dinner. They sat across from each other feasting on chicken alfredo pasta and garlic bread. As much as Logan loved Patton's cooking, he was too busy thinking to eat at a normal pace. He looked at the man sitting across from him and all he could see was the life and warmth within Patton's heart that Logan hadn't noticed was gone nor noticed he missed until then. He shoveled his food in his mouth quickly just so he could rush to the bathroom and cry. Crying wasn't something he did much, but what he recently learned made him unable to hold back.

Logan wanted to make things right and undo the pain he caused his love. He knew Patton wanted a sign of permission and Logan wanted to make it personal and meaningful. With the help of one of their mutual friends, Logan spent his time off of work to prepare a special surprise for Patton.

Christmas morning arrived and Patton felt he was alone in bed. After rubbing his eyes and putting on his glasses, he noticed a trail of paper sunflowers on the floor. He put on his slippers and picked up each paper flower as he followed them out of the bedroom and to the staircase until he saw Logan sitting by the tree with a guitar in his hands. The squeaking of the floorboards alerted Logan of Patton's location and he smiled at the surprised man.

"Merry Christmas, Patton," Logan greeted.

"Um, Merry Christmas to you, too, Logan," Patton responded after regaining his composure.

Patton went downstairs and sat on the couch across from his lover.

"What are you...planning?" he asked Logan while struggling to find the words.

"Well, throughout our relationship, I felt that there was something different about you, something was missing. I couldn't figure out what it was then, but I think I know now. This is for the heart and soul of the man I love," Logan responded.

After tuning the guitar, Logan started to play and sing with such passion that Patton didn't think was possible. Logan glanced while playing and singing and felt a sense of satisfaction when he saw blush and tears on Patton's face.

Once Logan was done, he set the guitar down and hugged Patton, causing the latter to sob softly.

"I've always looked up to you and loved you. I thought you'd tolerate me if I ceased to-"

"Say no more. I am so sorry, Patton. I guess I loved you longer than I knew and my reactions helped me deny it. I just miss you so much and I'll help restore your confidence to feel however I can!"

And, from then on, Logan stayed true to his word and even expressed his appreciation once the man he loved was fully restored.