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Ninja Terminator the Craziest Movie You've Never Heard Of

A Review

By Paper StarshipPublished 7 years ago 3 min read
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Probably the most bizarre martial arts movie I've seen since Kung Pao, but that was a comedy.

There's almost no way to review the movie Ninja Terminator because it makes no F**king sense. There is a reason for that though, and it's because two completely unrelated movies were spliced together and voice dubbed to create the weirdest, worst, yet at times most badass martial arts movies.

There is the Ninja Terminator story, which is garbage. There's a golden statue that has 3 pieces, when the pieces are combined the holder becomes impervious even to samurai swords. There's a Red Ninja who's name you never learn and 3 black ninjas. 2 of the black ninjas are middle aged white guys and the third is Japanese? Japanese Ninja (named Tomashi) gets killed by Red Ninja and then the splicing begins.

Red Ninjas call up a Yakuza in another movie to kidnap the Tomashi's sister at random so the two middle-aged white ninjas will give up their piece of the statue. So Harry McQueen, (Richard Harrison A.K.A middle aged white guy ninja) calls a private eye and overall badass in the other movie named Jaguar Wong (Jack Lam) to help rescue Tomashis sister.

Jaguar Wong is awesome and had it only been his movie it would've been really cool. Instead you go back and forth. Jaguar Wong fights, Red Ninja breaks into Harry McQueen's house, Jaguar Wong fight, Red Ninja breaks into other middle-aged ninjas house, Jaguar Wong fight etc. until Jaguar Wong rescues Tomashi's sister from one of the most ridiculous looking villains eve. Tiger Chan, a Yakuza who dresses normal, business suit, gloves, nice tie but then there is this bizarre blonde Bob haircut wig which is so ludicrous you can't help but double over in laughter everytime it's on-screen. Tiger Chan's death is as ridiculous as his wig too as he somehow jumps down with enough force that he gets stuck waist deep in sand and Jaguar Wong kicks him to death... Maybe not to death, he might've just beat him up.

Oh, I didn't forget about the other story going on. Red Ninja challenges both middle-aged ninjas to a showdown. In preparation, all three ninjas are testing swords on themselves and they're all invincible; which is Bulls**t because it's already been established that all three pieces are needed. If you're invincible with the one piece who gives a s**t about the other two. ((Deep breath.....Deep breath)).

Dumb five-minute fight happens, the middle-aged ninja who's name I never learned bites the dust because for some reason they become uninvincible during the fight (not explained). Harry McQueen holds the full golden ninja statue and the Red Ninja blows himself up. End. Credits.

What you just read was more coherent than what I actually saw because I've left out other major continuity problems. So much reusing footage Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! I've never had a movie leave me speechless but Ninja Terminator did it. Do I recommend it? If you want to feel like you've had the Men in Black memory swipe, this is the movie for you. But if you watch on YouTube and just skip to the Jaguar Wong parts you'll enjoy yourself. I don't know what to make of this movie.

4/10?

The infamous Tiger Chan

Did the wig department catch on fire and that's all they could salvage? Lol

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About the Creator

Paper Starship

I've moved on to making YT vids but this is a nice old treasure trove and example of process an iteration. These reviews are terrible from a structural and tonal perspective, but they're a reminder of how far I've come content wise since.

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