My Favorite 'Toons: James Bond Jr.

In honor of Daniel Craig's final 007 movie, NO TIME TO DIE, I'm dedicating this essay to his animated teenage nephew: JAMES BOND JR.

What, 007 has a nephew? Well, he did back in 1992, the year this cartoon series premiered. In it, "Bond...James Bond...Junior" fights the evil organization SCUM (Saboteurs and Criminals United in Mayhem), but first, he has to escape from his high-security high school, Warfield Academy, an institute of higher learning for the kids of VIPs. I guess being the nephew of an agent on Her Majesty's Secret Service counts.

James doesn't fight alone--he has his gang of school friends to help: Tracy Millbanks, daughter of Warfield's headmaster Bradford Millbanks; Horace "IQ" Boothroyd, teen inventor and grandson of 007's gadget maker Q; Phoebe Farragut, daughter of a transportation magnate and James' biggest fangirl; and Gordon "Gordo" Lieter, son of 007's CIA agent friend Felix Lieter. They get adult support from Buddy Mitchell, former FBI agent and Warfield's physical education coach; and all the adventures go on unbeknownst to Headmaster Millbanks, even when James's school rival, snooty Trevor Noseworthy IV, tries to tattle on him.

The membership of SCUM, presided over by the shadowy Scumlord, has a mix of made-over 007 villains and new baddies. Goldfinger, Dr. No, Oddjob, Jaws, and Nick Nack are here, along with newcomers Dr. Derange, Goldie Finger (Goldfinger's daughter), Baron von Skarin, Ms. Fortune, Snuffer, Barbella, and Skullcap. James also fights non-SCUM bad guys like brainiac crook Cortex, jewel thief Tiara Hotstones, and the shape-shifting Chameleon. The many girls and women James meets on his missions, with names like Marcia Law, Bunny Slope, Anne Genue, Delta Card, Marcie Beucoupe, Bella and Bellissima Spumoni, and Ruby Slippers, add a dash of romance. This sounds better than a boring old high school field trip!

As for Uncle 007, he never appears in the cartoon but some episodes show he's there in spirit. One episode has James targeted for kidnapping by his new teacher Hope Eternal as revenge for 007's capturing her scientist father, who died in prison. (He was alive all along and in Witness Protection.) In another episode, he names a donkey he's riding "Moneypenny" after M's secretary. And there are episodes with paraphrased titles like "Live and Let's Dance" and "Rubies Aren't Forever".

I don't remember specific episodes but I do remember moments: James and his friends' every escape from Warfield; IQ's inventions, including James' Gadget Watch, which can do everything except tell time; Tracy's and Phoebe's jealous little hissy fits when the latest Bond Jr. girl arrives on the scene; Gordo the surfer boy's being dumb (how does he stay at Warfield?); Trevor getting into trouble with Mr. Millbanks and/or just being an outright snootyboots; and James ending every episode with an annoyingly funny pun. Such a fun ride!

Wait! There is one JAMES BOND JR. episode I recall: "The Eiffel Missile". James and the Gang sneak off to Paris to stop Dr. Derange's plot to launch a nuclear missile from the Eiffel Tower and blow up Russia, making France the scapegoat and starting a war. On the train there, James meets Marcie Beucoupe, who says she's an art student and even quickly sketched James's portrait. James reveals she's a fake by pointing out the sketch is in ink and she only has a pencil. (He must be taking art classes at Warfield.) Marcie confesses that she's after Derange, too, and she and James team up. The two are kidnapped by the bad Doctor and strapped to the missle, which he is about to launch. James and Marcie free themselves using her purse as a zipline, the rocket is disabled and the world is safe. Meanwhile, the rest of the gang is in jail because Gordo's bad French had the gendarmes thinking they were all watch thieves. Marcie and James help spring them, and before she leaves, she gives Young Bond a tender kiss that leaves him "shaken...and stirred." He is his uncle's nephew.