My Boyfriend Makes Me Watch Ridiculous Movies: 'Demolition Man'

I got a choice this week! I won’t tell you the other ones since I’ll have to watch them all eventually (Spoilers? Me? Never!), but this week Rico and I settled on the Sylvester Stallone/Wesley Snipes classic Demolition Man. The reason I chose this over the others is simple: Rico had a friend visiting from out of town and commented this after using the restroom:

“Dude, you have the three seashells. That’s awesome.”

To which Rico replies, “I know. It’s hilarious. Yumi doesn’t know about the three seashells yet.”

To which my reply was, “So which movie reference are you making now?”

And so I was taught about the three seashells, and if you don’t already know, so will you.

Now that you have that trailer in your head, let’s start by saying it aloud: this already looks ridiculous. We’ve got cryogenics, time jumps, a utopian society, reprogrammed criminals, and more explosions than you can shake a stick at. And that’s just what we can gather from the trailer.

I grabbed a rum and Dr. Pepper, and dumped some Pringles in a bowl . As much as it is a sin to not eat them in the tube, I refused to fight Rico over the chips during a movie where he said I wasn't allowed to look away. I even went up to refill my drink and he would PAUSE the movie and rewind it 30 seconds so I didn't miss a beat.

Let’s get a little closer to what this story is about and the things that bug me about it.

The year is 1996… Los Angeles… In the world’s deadliest pit of hell… An abandoned hospital

Of course, as this is an action movie, the surrounding area is all rubble, things are on fire, it’s night time, and our hero, John Spartan, is coming in on a helicopter. There’s a missing bus full of people who are probably being held captive. The pilot and copilot seem to know every detail about the mission except who the mastermind is behind this. John Spartan knows though. It’s his archnemesis, Phoenix. Simon Phoenix.

Simon Phoenix is described as the worst of the worst; a sadist who is legitimately insane and has outwitted everyone. John Spartan has been on a hunt for this guy for over two years, and this time he’s got him cornered: mano e mano… or something like that.

Insert action scene! Fire! Explosions! Bullets flying e’rywhere!

And Simon Phoenix is taken down, along with the entire building because he blew it up and John Spartan didn’t care.

By the way, if you’re getting tired of me calling them by their full names, don’t worry. There’s a reason I’m doing it. I’m not that annoying, gosh.

Anyway, John Spartan feels great about taking down his nemesis, who is cackling and howling as he’s being cuffed. The chief of police is berating John Spartan because they still can’t find the missing civilians. John Spartan says that they weren’t in the building. He did a thermo-sweep while they were in the helicopter, and the only life signs were of Simon Phoenix and his henchmen.

Well, that’s funny, there are 30 burned and buried bodies in the building. Just ask the convenient extra who comes up and tells everyone about it just as John Spartan declares no one was there!

And so, it seems our hero is defeated. Because the justice system totally works like this, John Spartan is given 70 years to be cryogenically frozen and reprogrammed for the accidental murder of 30 innocent people.

This is the most terrifying thing in the whole goddamn movie.

I mean, this is NOT how you would EVER go about freezing a person! Naked in a gel? In a circular pod? Without a source of OXYGEN?! I mean there are so many things wrong with this, even from something as simple as storage and cost. I mean, coffin-sized pods would use less gel, put people in less awkward positions, and be much more efficient when storing the bodies. Because apparently ALL criminals are put through this process, not just the ones they want to reprogram. Because, well, they reprogram all of them.

This is some Clockwork Orangeshit right here…

Getting on with the story, this is where it would seem to end for our hero and our villain. John Spartan is stuck for the next 70 years, and Simon Phoenix is going to be frozen for eternity. Totally reasonable.

Fast forward to the year 2032…

Crazy as it sounds, a whole lot has happened between 1996 and 2032! In 2010 there was a massive earthquake that demolished the area! Chaos ruled, and there was one man who saved them all! His name is Dr. Raymond Cocteau, and he made sure that everything was healthy and good and peaceful! Everything that’s bad for you is illegal! And people just went along with it, giving up their personal comforts and freedoms, for a chance at peace.

PS. There’s a lot of shit that’s illegal in 2032. Watch out. It’s just around the corner…

Well, for some reason, the new San Angeles city has decided to give Simon Phoenix a parole hearing. This works well. Really well.

And what I mean by well is that he is absolutely murderous and somehow knows that the verbal password to his locks is “teddy bear”. He proceeds to kill everyone who tries to stop him on his way out of the prison, jacks a car, and drives this weird-looking vehicle to an automated information machine (?).

Help! Someone call the police! Surely THEY know how to handle this!

ಠ_ಠ

Oh boy, here we go…

Let’s start by meeting Sargent Lenina Huxley. She’s a bit atypical, and has a fascination with the old 20th century ways of life. Her desk is surrounded by contraband (including those spring-loaded canned snakes, movie posters, and small action figures), she watches Jackie Chan films, loves old turns of phrase (that she can't quite get right), and she has a desire for something more! She doesn’t wish for chaos, but she wishes that she had more action in his life… like in those old cop movies that she isn’t supposed to be watching, but somehow is not getting into any real trouble for doing so. Lenina Huxley gets told on several occasions that she should stop with her obsession, and that she is a disturber of the peace (in a way…)

Everyone is so goddamn polite and well spoken. It’s only if you listen very carefully that you can hear the slight sarcasm Lenina Huxley speaks in, while everyone else plays by the rules. That includes calling everyone by their full, proper name. By comparison, Sgt. Huxley is a rebel.

Thus, when the entire police department is notified of three MDK’s, no one knows what that is. Apparently, that stands for “Murder/Death/Kill”, by which someone has prematurely died without the government’s consent (nice to see you’re on the nose there, movie). No one but Lenina Huxley seems to have any creative brains on them, and when they can’t track him down (apparently everyone is equipped with a subdermal tracking device and Simon Phoenix is not) she’s the only one who figures that he must have stolen a car! They can track a car!

*slow clap*

Well, that epically fails. The police don’t know how to approach a violent citizen, rely on a computer to tell them what to do (which is like “sternly tell the offender to put his hands up, or else” or some shit), and don’t have weaponry. Like none. I don’t even see a baton on these suckers. So obviously Simon Phoenix kicks their asses, kills a few, and gets away.

Now, get ready for another brilliant idea by Sgt. Huxley: why don’t they unfreeze the man who caught him in the first place? He’s knick named the Demolition Man because he’s so brutal and destroys everything in his path to get the job done!

Well, she convinced somebody…

They spring John Spartan out of prison early and reinstate him as a member of the San Angeles police force. His sole mission is to track down and bring in Simon Phoenix, but John Spartan isn’t really interested in that. Not immediately. He actually has some character here that would be consistent with a person who just woke up from a deep freeze. John Spartan asks about his wife, his daughter, what year it is. But that all apparently doesn’t matter. The chief of police has no time for this emotional nonsense and gets John Spartan on the job.

This is where the movie actually starts getting good. And where I'll stop tearing into each little detail in sequence.

There are a few things I love about this first scene with John Spartan in the precinct. First, it’s how confused he is. Second his how everyone treats him like a Neanderthal, when 1996 was not that long ago. Third, this is where the three seashells get introduced. Let me explain: in the future, we will not have toilet paper. Oh no. We will have three seashells in our restrooms to use, and we will all know how to use them. Obviously, John Spartan does not. And we never find out how either.

Last, and the best bit of this whole scene, is how consistent people are fined for cursing. Watch the video below for a few of these gems, and how John Spartan gets around using the three seashells...

It’s this kind of world-building that makes me go starry-eyed and my heart pound like a schoolgirl in love. I suppose it’s here that I will praise the crap out of this movie. The concepts are ridiculous. The science is awful. The characters are simple. BUT because the world is consistent and is constructed in this careful, pointed way, I enjoyed it. My belief was suspended enough that through the idiotic ridiculousness of the whole thing, I actually found myself loving it. A fact like "the only restaurant in existence is Taco Bell" is somehow accepted without trouble because someone mentioned that there was a great franchise war, and only Taco Bell survived. Technology, while advanced, isn't so out of our frame of reference that we can't imagine its existence. Even the obsession with Japanese/Chinese styles is completely okay because the outfits are so consistent among the upper class! It's like social commentary! I was beside myself!

Or it could have been the rum…

The truth, though, this kind of world-building consistency is what saved the movie for me. It didn't matter that Lenina Huxley was the token female in this movie. It didn't matter that John Spartan and Simon Phoenix were uncomplicated, uber-masculine males. And honestly, it didn't matter that what little social commentary implemented was overshadowed by the ridiculous amount of clichés, explosions, and unbelievable events. No one broke character. There were very few 'convenient happenings'. The movie itself was satisfying.

Anyway, back to the movie.

This is where we are: John Spartan and Simon Phoenix have been defrosted and are now running rampant through a new perfect world that they don’t understand.

Or do they?

Long story short, Simon Phoenix somehow understands how future computers work, is equipped with specialized knowledge. He finds out where the guns are being kept (apparently the only way you can see a gun is in a museum, and they’re guarded by the most sophisticated security system known to man. If you were paying attention to the last video, you know how sophisticated that crap is).

The museum is evacuated because a madman is running around trying to steal the guns! Good thing John Spartan is there to save the day! A firefight ensues! But oh no! Simon Phoenix gets away! He’s just too slippery!

And then we get to meet the real evil behind all this. This is a mind so sinister and perfect that no one would ever suspect that everything was his plan! It would just be rude…

I'm actually not quite sure what this guy's angle is. He's already the most respected, loved, and powerful man in San Angeles. In his lifetime, he has single-handedly turned around a culture of violence into a peaceful society, outlawed things like sugar and bad language, advanced the justice system so that people are rehabilitated in their frozen state to be productive in society when they're released, and overseen the amazing technological marvels. Perhaps, in some way, he's aching for that chaos like Lenina Huxley does... only instead of wistfully imagining what it would be like to be kung-fu fighting alongside your movie heroes, Raymond Cocteau decides to unleash two of the most destructive men ever to have existed upon the earth ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Maybe I just skipped that day of Villany 101, but I'm pretty sure that's not how you get to save the world again.

Now, I did mention that there was a bit of social commentary. Microscopic, yes, but it's there. Like I said, the world-building was awesome. And, just like here in the real world, for every moment there is a counter-movement. While most of society was fine giving up their personal freedoms, there were those who didn't feel that way at all. This, for all intents and purposes, is the resistance. These guys come in handy later on, when the inevitable dismantling of an empire goes down. I mean, John Spartan is the Demolition Man and can get shit done, but he's just one guy. Taking over a totalitarian government, even a 'utopia-esque' one, requires an army.

I'm not going to go too much into detail about this part, because, well, I want you to take from that what you will. Go watch the movie. Seriously, go and watch this over-the-top sci-fi film that may as well have been directed by Michael Bay.

And that's kind of a wrap. More ridiculousness ensues, more fights, more explosions, more bad lines, more tickets for swearing, and more good-feels. This is a "Dude with a Problem" movie, with a bit of Buddy Love thrown in on the side. Overall, this is probably one of the least eye-gouging movies I've had to endure.

"So, are you always going to have three seashells in your bathrooms?" I asked Rico.

"Uh, yeah. Come here." Rico leads me to a closet and pulls out two gallon-sized ziplock bags full of seashells.

"Are you f-ing joking?"

"Nope!" he said, goofy smile on his face. "Dude, they break, okay? And what if the apocalypse comes?! We'll have figured out a way to replace toilet paper before ANYONE ELSE does!"

P.S. I married this man. This may be a great example of why.