My Boyfriend Makes Me Watch Ridiculous Movies: Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter

It's October, and last Friday was the 13th. Fully in the mood for a creepy movie, Rico decides it's a great opportunity to make some suggestions that weren't on the list. Among them is a movie I thought was my flavor of ridiculous.

I have a confession to make: I love dumb vampire movies. When Dracula Untold came out, I was clawing at the wall to see it. Dracula 2000 was a piece of garbage, but I loved it. Give me all the Underworld movies! Van Helsing! Daybreakers! Ultraviolet!

Twilight can go shove it.

When Rico pulls up Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, I know this is destined to be. Before I watch another ridiculous movie that makes me want to punch my fist through a wall, we will watch a ridiculous movie that I enjoy! No alcohol needed this time! Just good ol' trusty cheesy popcorn!

Rico, of course, has already watched it. In fact, he's been dying to recreate one of the fight scenes in Lego form (Rico loves Legos. We build a double-decker bus together, and it was awesome, okay?)

If you want to watch all 3, knock yourself out. #2 is trash, and #3 gives away a lot of what the story is about. Go forth, my readers, bathe in the glory that is this movie before continuing to read this review...

We start with a compelling speech by Mr. Lincoln, whereby he introduces us to the concept that history doesn't really remember what happened. That's true. This opening feels like it's something straight out of a period piece or an ACTUAL movie about Abraham Lincoln. Of course, we know better, and this is just a portion of what is being read out of his journal. Apparently Lincoln wrote down all his vampire slayings in a leather-bound journal. I can only imagine what that must be like to read.

That being that, we are thrown back in time to when Abraham was a child. He and his family are working somewhere on the Ohio River (I don't actually know if it's the Ohio, but I'm making an educated guess) when the day is interrupted. A teenage/early 20s black man is being shoved into a boat and his little brother is running after him. It seems that, although they are free blacks, the dock/mill/blacksmith foreman is selling off the older brother. As any evil slaver would do, he pushes the younger brother onto the ground and starts whipping him.

Abraham can't stand it any longer, and even though his father tells him to leave it alone Abraham goes and tries to save his friend Willie. Things don't go as planned when you're an eight-year-old boy trying to overpower a full grown man.

Well, this goes south very quickly. Abraham's father gets involved, punching the foreman to defend his son. Abraham's mother comes out from nowhere and starts taking care of the boys. The dock/mill/blacksmith owner, Jack Barts, also comes out of nowhere and fires the whole family, then demand repayment for whatever sum that the Lincoln family was trying to pay off.

Lots to go through, I know. This movie's pace is off the charts.

Obviously, the Lincolns can't pay off the entire amount right that minute because, you know, they were working at the mill/docks/blacksmiths to pay it off in the first place. So the owner gives an ominous "there's more than one way to collect a debt." Okay, now we know he's a vampire.

Dude is a fucking vampire, standing in daylight with his steampunk sunglasses on, and he's NOT burning up. My life is a lie.

Later that night, Jack Barts pays a visit to the Lincoln cabin, Abraham is up late, writing in his new journal, and happens to see Jack creeping up on his mother looking pretty f-ing scary. Apparently, this doesn't bother Jack at all. He kisses Mommy Dearest's wrist and leaves. No blood, no bite mark, no nothing.

My life is a lie.

Next scene, Mommy Lincoln is dying, pale, and having seizures. The doctor doesn't know what's wrong, he's "never seen anything like this," and Abraham has a touching moment with his mother before she dies.

As if you didn't see that coming...

Anyway, Abraham makes a promise to his father to stay out of trouble and not seek revenge (wait, did Dad suspect vampires???). But as soon as Daddy kicks the bucket too, Abraham decides he's no longer bound to his promise and goes to hunt down Jack Barts. Guess that's why that long introduction was necessary.

Oh, also, Abraham is now all grown up and a man.

Well, after having way too much to drink and being approached by a creepy guy who totally knows he's gathering the nerve to kill someone, Abraham goes back to the dock/mill/blacksmith and tries to shoot Jack Barts. Much like the eight-year-old boy scene, things don't go according to plan. Jack Barts is sort of caught off guard, and when Abraham tries to shoot him, the bullet doesn't fire.

"Well, that's unlucky."

Yep, and sends Abraham into full-blown panic. He runs into a boathouse, where he's simultaneously trying to reload the single-bullet gun and hold the door shut so Jack doesn't come and eat him. How does he know he's gonna eat him? We can ask the lovely, dead lady who is lying on the floor in the boathouse.

Seriously? You just gonna leave your leftovers for anyone to find? You, Jack Barts, are a messy eater.

Anyway, Jack gets shot in the eye, drops like a hot sack of potatoes. Abraham throws his gun into the river and gets to breathe a sigh of relief... OR DOES HE?

You didn't think a vampire was going to go down that easily, did you? Of course not. You're a seasoned veteran of bad vampire movies. Puh.

Abraham gets the scare of a lifetime when one-eyed Jack comes back for round two. Fully unprepared, Abraham gets his ass kicked and is saved by a stranger... A stranger who is able to pick up a vampire and throw up vertically up the side of a barn, breaking up the entire wood-slatted wall along the way.

At this point, I knew we had come to the ridiculous stage.

Enter Henry Sturgess.

Abraham wakes up in a strange room, bandaged up, and hearing loud screams and moans coming from downstairs. Cautious, he grabs a candlestick and breaks down the door to find... Well, it's a bathroom and there's a man and a woman in the tub together, so...

He meant well, I'm sure.

After the lady leaves the bathroom, Henry goes on a rant to himself about how he was so wrong about Abraham. He thought Abraham could be a student, to learn how to kill vampires and take on his life's work, but Abraham is too focused on revenge and couldn't possibly make the sacrifices necessary in order to become a hunter.

If you're wondering how we went from interrupting sexy times in the tub to berating Abraham for wanting revenge, don't worry. There's little to no transition between the two. In hindsight, I think this was Henry's plan all along, but it's really strange logically. I mean, even in a ridiculous vampire movie involving a president of the US there's got to be some consistent logic, right?

Anyway, cue the training montage.

It is here that we learn of two major players in the vampire world. One is a woman named Vadoma, and the other is a man who they call Adam. This is our ultimate evil villain. The reason he's named Adam is because he is the source of vampires. He perpetuates the evil. Henry reveals that Jack Barts is still alive, but he won't be killed just yet. Henry gives Abraham names, and Abraham makes sure those people get killed. Not before. If they're going to take down the entire network of vampires, they have to do so carefully.

After being trained for who knows how long, Abraham decides he needs to live his own life and head to Springfield to study law. He gets work at a shop, above which there is a room he lives in, and keeps his head down. Or that was the plan. It all went downhill the moment a lovely lady came along...

If there's one thing you've got to know about vampire movies, there's ALWAYS a forbidden love, even if that love is between two humans. It's adorable and awkward, but she's a beautiful doe-eyed woman with no other purpose in this movie but to be the love interest.

But no! Abraham can't have a family! He can't love! He must be a solitary hunter otherwise the people he loves will get hurt!

We've heard this story a million times... And we all know the hero always falls in love anyway.

So at night, Abraham fights the undead, and during the day he's a shopkeeper's assistant, studying for law school, and also courting Mary Todd. Man is busy, but still somehow manages to make it a point to try and run for office.

I suppose it's understandable seeing as his best friend Will comes into town. They haven't seen each other in a very long time, but Will somehow knows Abraham is studying law and wants representation in a court. You see, Will has been working the Underground Railroad freeing slaves. He's in a pickle (someone thought he was a runaway slave), but Abraham fully kicks ass and keeps Will safe. Thus, he figures what better way to stop vampires (who are holed up in the south) than to run for office!

It makes more sense in the movie, but I ain't got time to explain all that. This review is already getting too long.

Well, eventually you know that Abraham gets to take on Jack Barts, right? Strap in for this scene because it's a doozy.

There's no transition, and no reasonable cause for that many horses to be running around like that. Jack is at the stables, sees Abraham is there to kill him, and decides to release all the horses in his stables to run across the plains. This herd of several hundred horses (if not thousands) is around them for the entire duration of the fight. At one point Abraham gets a horse thrown ON TOP of him, and that idiot survives to not only tell the tale but to fight and keep fighting Jack Barts until he wins. Jack loses both eyes this time.

Something is amiss, however. Jack reveals something on the sly about Henry. If you didn't pay attention for a fraction of a second, you would have missed it. Abraham goes and tracks down Henry in the middle of the night to a back alley. Henry has just saved a prostitute from an angry, forceful man and is feeding off him. That's right, Henry is a vampire who was turned by Adam himself. Henry trained Abraham to kill vampires as an act of revenge because apparently, vampires can't kill other vampires.

MY LIFE IS A LIE.

Abraham lets this go, but pretty much decides that since he's already extracted his revenge that he's out of this gig. He even asks Mary Todd to marry him! Cue the wedding and happy days ahead, because obviously Jack Barts is dead and no one knows who he is!

WRONG.

Adam holds a funeral for Jack Barts, where it is discovered that Jack is holding a pocket watch in his hand with Abraham Lincoln's name engraved on the inside. First, how did it get there? Two, why hasn't Lincoln noticed it missing yet? Three, what funeral director dressed him up because those roses are stunning!

Anyway, Adam now knows about Abraham. How convenient to the plot!

Well, you knew this was coming too, didn't you? We were all looking forward to the moment when Abraham would first meet Adam. It's really a shame how convoluted it gets around here.

Will gets kidnapped and Abraham is sent an invitation to come get him. Abraham knows it's a trap and ropes in his boss and friend, Joshua Speed, into helping him. Lincoln actually just straight up tells Speed about vampires and Speed just goes with it. It's not certain whether or not Speed believes Lincoln or not, but it doesn't matter. He does when he sees a room full of dancing people start to eat each other.

Cue awesome solo fight scene!

In the end, Will gets saved (awesome), Speed helps by busting through the house in a horse-drawn chariot (...what?), and they escape the vampires by using the Underground Railroad (WHAT?).

But who wants to end the chase here? Why not drag it out a little more? Like until Lincoln is over 50-years-old and is President of the United States.

I swear that happened.

Abraham Lincoln has a steady political career and puts away his ax in favor of policy. He's trying to push out the vampire slave owners and help free slaves. He has a kid, Will and Speed are members of staff, and Lincoln is losing the war. Why? Vampires are fighting on the Confederate side. It's apparently how Adam wants to play the game now, so he sends vampires to fight the ward instead of human soldiers.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

That's okay, Lincoln knows that if he keeps fighting he'll eventually win, right? Nothing can go wrong!

Oops, remember Vadoma? The vampire lady? She comes in and kills Lincoln's son. Not immediately, mind you, but in the same way that Lincoln's mother died. The doctors even say the same things.

But wait! Lincoln has forgotten the most BASIC of lessons he learned that can help them win the war! Vampires can't touch silver! It's toxic!

Okay, so my life isn't totally a lie. At least there's one convention that the writers kept.

So, Lincoln gives an order to collect all of the silver in the United States, including people's antique heirloom silverware, right down to the last bloody spoon. They melt it down, and they make plans to move it to Gettysburg on the railroad.

Cue train fight.

Lincoln, Speed, and Will are the only ones on this train. Henry shows up to tell Lincoln that Speed betrayed them by telling Adam the plan. BUT WAIT, that was the plan all along! It was to get all the vampires in one place, defeat the ever living crap out of them, while delivering the silver via the Railroad. The Underground Railroad.

Yup, Mary Todd accompanies Harriet Tubman and a large number of refugee slaves to Gettysburg with all the silver bullets, rounds, and bayonets they could carry.

All the vampires flee America. The US is saved.

... Aaaaaand Lincoln still dies at the theater.

The end.

Oh, I guess Mary Todd did one badass thing before the end. She shot Vadoma in the forehead with a silver trinket that was her son's.

The end.

I look over at Rico, who is looking right back.

"YOU were the one who wanted to watch it!" he cries.

"I DID! But this is still ridiculous. I mean why did it have to be Abraham Lincoln? It could have been anyone during the same time era. You could have called this game 'Bird vs. Camel' and no one would have argued with you."

Rico laughs so hard he stops breathing for a moment. "I told you!"

"What was that pacing? I mean, sometimes I didn't honestly know what happened until we were knee-deep in action," I complain.

"Isn't it great?"

"And why wait until Lincoln is an old man to have him running on the top of trains plummeting into a fiery pit of death?"

"Why not?"

"And they totally forgot that Lincoln had an older son! Just like erased him from memory!"

"Unnecessary!"

As I'm pouting, Rico nudges me. "But did you like it?"

"Actually," I admit, "Despite how off the wall it was, I was enjoying the ridiculousness."

"I'm winning you over, aren't I?"

I decide not to answer. "So when are we making a Lego model of the train fight-scene?"

PS. Totally not watching a ridiculous movie next time. I win :)

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