Movie Review: 'Jurassic World Dominion' Holds Dominion Over Boredom

Jurassic World Dominion boils down to a series of chase scenes that happen to have CG dinosaurs in them. As a film critic I face a challenge in attempting to give you anymore information that you need about this movie. There is simply nothing else here aside from chase scenes and that awful kind of modern nostalgia. You know the kind I am talking about? That kind of nostalgia where it feels like the movie is constantly nudging you in the ribs and asking you if you remember that thing you liked from that other movie? There it is, there is that thing you liked.

As I have to meet a particular number of words in order to publish this review, let’s talk plot. There isn’t one. Okay, fine there is kind of a plot. But I am being very generous. Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard are living in the woods with Maisey, the genetically engineered child of that rich guy from that other Jurassic movie or whatever. They are trying to keep her from being kidnapped and they fail miserably because she gets kidnapped. They go to save her and blah blah blah. (Editor, does Blah Blah Blah add to my word count?)

Hey! It's Those People from The Movie I Liked

Meanwhile, remember those actors you liked from the first Jurassic Park movie? They’re here in this movie but older. There is a worldwide conspiracy to control the food supply through the use of dinosaur bugs or something and Laura Dern goes to Sam Neill to ask him for help saving the world. Jeff Goldblum is waiting for them somewhere far away and they will go there and find the dinosaur bug conspiracy thing happening. Oh, Maisey is there, this is where she was kidnapped to so Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard will be there along with a new character who is also there.

(Putting aside the snark for just a moment, DeWanda Wise is my favorite actor in this movie and she deserves better than what this movie gives her.)

And oh, how little I cared about any of this. Director Colin Trevorrow and his team fail to engage at every turn of this tale. The film lumbers from one chase to another without ever establishing any sense of real danger. That’s a bit of a problem for a movie where we are supposed to be concerned that giant dinosaurs are going to chomp down at any moment on our beloved main characters. And yet, not for one moment was I ever convinced that one of these characters was going to be eaten. That’s supposed to be the tension of the scene! We are supposed to feel like our friendly main character people, those names on the poster people, are going to die while we hope they survive.

Irredeemably Inept

Sadly, Jurassic World Dominion is so irredeemably inept that the needed tension and suspense never comes. What remains is call backs to the original movie. Dominion shamelessly courts the audience that just wants to see something familiar. If you’re waiting for something to surprise or delight you, you will continue to wait all the way back to your car for the drive home. Unless you absolutely are ecstatic about seeing B.D Wong again or seeing that can of Barbasol from the first movie, remember that? The Barbasol can? It’s in this movie guys! The can even gets an ‘And featuring’ credit in the opening credits. Okay, not really, but would you really be all that surprised?

This is, after all, a purely mercenary effort. Where Steven Spielberg shared a childlike wonder about seeing dinosaurs come to life on the big screen, Colin Trevorrow is picking up a paycheck. Trevorrow as a director just hurls images at the screen heedlessly, plays the familiar score, uses familiar callbacks to the Jurassic Park you actually like, and calls it a day. Sam Neill, Laura Dern, and Jeff Goldblum are actors at a point in their careers where multi-million dollar paychecks aren’t around every corner anymore. This is their chance to grab some of that fat coin and, good for them, I guess. They are here because you might remember them from that movie you actually liked.

I’m really no better. I’m basically hurling words at this review. But at least I am being honest. At the very least, I am giving you an authentic demonstration of how much I hated this movie. And best of all, this review isn’t 2 and a half hours long. I might be just trying to get to my word limit so I can stop talking about Jurassic World Dominion, but, at least I am not pretending otherwise. I am giving you what you came for, an honest pan of this bad movie. The movie promised a dinosaur thrill ride and didn’t deliver that, I delivered on my promise. (PSST! Editor, is that enough to hit my word count?)