Geeks logo

Let's Pretend The Room Was An Oscar Contender in 2003

Imagine if Tommy Wiseau had an incredible PR team

By Sam PinnelasPublished 3 years ago 11 min read
Like
Original poster for The Room (2003) with Oscars

If you're familiar with Tommy Wiseau's 2003 disaster-piece film The Room, then you are most likely familiar with many of the behind-the-scenes stories and drama. A well known tidbit is that Wiseau personally paid to keep the film in theaters for two weeks in order to qualify for the Academy Awards. Needless to say, this was a fruitless endeavor. However, due to Wiseau's deep pockets, he could have found a campaign team that knew awards strategies. It isn't that uncommon for bad/poorly received movies to be nominated for Best Picture (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Bohemian Rhapsody, etc.) and sometimes even win (The Greatest Show on Earth, Cimarron etc.).

So today, let's play a game. Let's pretend Tommy Wiseau's people were able to curb any bad press the film would receive, and they rigged the system so that people thought The Room could be considered awards worthy. In this magical fantasy nonsense realm, what is the greatest number of awards the team could conjure up for the movie? For this, we will look at The Room itself, its competition at the 76th Oscars, and typical awards trends that would bolster its prospects.

Sigourney Weaver and Frank Pierson announce 76th Academy Award nominees

Obviously, it's getting into Best Picture. It's a done deal. But who misses out because of this surprise entry? Unfortunately, this is the year of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King and Lost in Translation, two classics that cannot be booted from history. Also, Clint Eastwood's crime drama Mystic River is in the mix, so that's got to stay because the Oscars love him. Our only vulnerable candidates are Seabiscuit and Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World. Since Seabicuit missed a Director nomination for Gary Ross, I should say it's out, but because there's already one big budget action picture at the top of the charts, we are saying goodbye to Master and Commander and "hai doggy" to The Room, weirdly the only traditional drama in the bunch.

Now for the award Wiseau would have cared most about, Best Director. This one is easier to decide because we can remove Master and Commander's director, Peter Weir, not because he isn't worthy but because the only other option is Fernando Meirelles for City of God, and despite that film's deficit of nominations compared to the alternative, there was a passion for the Brazilian thriller in 2003 that could not be denied. Also, like Best Picture, Best Director is lacking a straightforward dramatic contender, and Wiseau's team would certainly make that fact known while campaigning. They think of everything.

We'll move onto Best Original Screenplay next. Here, there is only one nominee that is also in the Best Picture lineup, Lost in Translation, so we have a rich selection of potential snubs. Let's remove the nominees that won Best Animated Feature and Best Foreign Language Feature, Finding Nemo and The Barbarian Invasions respectively. In America has two acting nominations as well, so it's pretty easy to remove Steven Knight's forgotten Dirty Pretty Things, a film Wiseau's people would drag through mud as "drab as the British food they catered on set."

Now we move to probably the most difficult areas to predict: the four acting categories. Really it's only two difficult ones because Tommy is getting in Best Actor easily by kicking out Ben Kingsley, and Carolyn Minnott, Miss "I Definitely Have Breast Cancer" herself, is getting into Best Supporting Actress because of Oscar's love of elderly supporting players (sorry Shohreh Aghdashloo, you're out). Best Actress and Best Supporting Actor are the tough picks because... will Wiseau let anyone else be considered the lead(s) of HIS movie?

Matthew Stewarts screen time breakdown for The Room (2003)

Thanks to a recent finding by Matthew Stewart of Screen Time Central, Tommy Wiseau actually has the second most screen time in The Room at 40:22, behind the one who tears him apart, Lisa aka Juliette Danielle at a whopping 52:25. Therefore, it should be quite easy to declare her equal in leading potential. But there are two caveats: Tommy's ego and her credit placement in the opening titles. The ego is known and understood, but she is billed third in the film behind Wiseau and Greg Sestero, whose screen time is nearly half of hers. This suggests her consideration as not near a lead performance, especially depending on Sestero's placement.

Speaking of which, where should Sestero be placed? Considering he's in less than 30% of the movie, you might assume supporting is a given. However, I direct you to Anthony Hopkins and Nicole Kidman, who each won leading awards, despite appearing in less than 25 minutes of their respective films. Because of their strong presence and control of the narrative, they were considered leads despite minimal screen time. I would suggest Sestero fits that placement because of his prominence in the main love triangle plot; he is Tommy's best friend after all. However, then we return to the original caveat: Tommy's ego. And no matter how much of his best friend you are, Tommy will not share that category with anyone. Thus, Sestero tells Alec Baldwin to "keep his stupid comments in his pocket" and takes his Best Supporting Actor slot.

Now I said this category was tough to decide because there's one other wrinkle in here, the kid who likes to watch his neighbors have sex, Denny aka Philip Haldiman. He's the true supporting player here, and I'd imagine The Room's campaign team would really capitalize on Denny's narrow escape from death by scene stealer Chris-R the drug dealer. However, due to Sestero's inclusion in the category, I don't think Haldiman could quite sneak in here, leaving him the only true snub for the movie.

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about the genius inventor of Scotch-ka (Lisa) and her category confusion. Her fate seems sealed by being considered lower than Sestero, but there is a precedent for lower billed cast to rise above their costars. Depending on the poster you saw for American Hustle, Amy Adams was billed either third or fourth behind her male costars, and yet on Oscar morning, she heard her name called in the Lead Actress category. Therefore, due to this and due to Tommy understanding from his team after a 5 hour long meeting that more nominations are better than less, I believe Juliette Danielle would pull a proverbial Tonya Harding on Diane Keanton to steal a spot in Best Actress.

Poster for American Hustle (2013) with Amy Adams billed fourth

We're out of the top categories, and currently The Room has astounded with 7 nominations, including one in each of the acting categories. But Team Wiseau wouldn't just stop here. They'd make sure the technical branches of the Academy would know that The Room has acting AND craft in equal measure. Greg Sestero was right when he said "The candles, the music, the sexy dress; what's going on here" because these guys have Best Art Direction, Score, and Costume Design locked up (so long Seabiscuit, Big Fish, and Seabiscuit again). Also, how could "You're My Rose" not replace the Best Original Song contender from A Mighty Wind?

Now we have to move into some categories that regular dramas are not always known for. I believe The Room could break into Best Film Editing because it masterfully makes 99 minutes feel like 4 grueling hours. Unfortunately, there's just not enough makeup or visual effects to justify its inclusion in either of those categories (despite how many green screened rooftop scenes there are). Same goes for both sound categories, even though Tommy's guys would try to make all the unsynched dialogue seem like an artistic choice. Since I don't think they could find a loophole into the animation, documentary, or short categories, all we're left with is Best Cinematography. On first glance, the shots are nothing special; some are even strangely out of focus for no reason. However, one of the secrets behind-the-scenes could "leak," leading the public to realize the revolving door of cinematographers on the project despite only one credited DP. Thus, I believe Team Wiseau could muster strength around the narrative that this hardship makes the final result even more impressive, and they would gather a Best Cinematography nomination.

Fictional For Your Consideration poster for The Room (2003)

After all is said and done, if Tommy Wiseau gathered the perfect awards campaign team, The Room would receive a leading 13 nominations, one shy of tying the all-time record set by All About Eve and Titanic (and eventually La La Land). You might think now is a good time to stop, but I am currently having far too much fun in my personal La La Land, so let's now imagine this alternate universe's Oscar night.

February 29, 2004. Hollywood's best and brightest are on the red carpet. Billy Bush and the E! News team interview the stars behind the little indie that could. A man of indeterminate age and nationality begins speaking of his inspirations and how any wins that night are dedicated to James Dean. With that, the ceremony begins, as Billy Crystal takes the stage to talk about the juggernauts that are The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King and a little 6 million dollar picture called The Room. Everyone cheers for both; they know tonight is a race between these two masterpieces, one the conclusion to a beloved saga, the other a start of an illustrious career.

Row of Oscars on the red carpet

For the first award of the night, Catherine Zeta-Jones announces the winner of Best Supporting Actor, and it's... she can't believe it. The Retro Puppet Master himself, Greg Sestero! Tommy pulls him in for a big hug, and Greg leaps onto stage. He thanks his mom and his San Francisco community, but most of all he thanks the man that brought him to LA in the first place. He concludes by saying this win is for all the "baby faces" that never thought they could do it.

The Room misses out on Best Art Direction to the Peter Jackson epic, but in a stunning turn of events, the football tuxedos take Best Costume Design! And shortly after that Carolyn Minnott takes Best Supporting Actress! She isn't there to accept the award, as she wants to remain humble in her life. This is followed by an hour or so of categories The Room is not nominated in, so the team takes the time to relax and drink some Scotch-ka from Juliette Danielle's flask.

And then in one fell swoop, they lost Song, Score, and Editing to a certain fantasy epic, and they lost Cinematography to Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, whose team looked especially gleeful to have defeated the film that bumped it out of Best Picture contention here. But then there came a category that none of The Room's rivals were in: Best Original Screenplay. Tommy felt confident, and as the envelope was being opened, he preemptively stood to receive the award... only to hear Sofia Coppola's name called. He sat back down, slightly deflated, but not deterred because shortly after that, it was time for Best Director. Tommy learned his lesson, and sat patiently until it was time. He gripped the seat in anticipation and released it in sorrow as Peter Jackson was called to the stage. Tommy saw the boastful jubilation in Jackson's eyes. He felt the final three awards were going to be just out of reach.

Indeed, as Adrien Brody listed the nominees for Best Actress, everyone felt the same feeling of "Of course" when Charlize Theron appeared in her nomination clip. But when he read the winner's name, the audience fell silent for a moment. He couldn't have just said Juliette Danielle. But he did, and he showed the contents of the envelope to prove it. In a single motion Danielle flew onto the stage, pulled Adrien Brody into a dip, and kissed him right on the mouth. She simply stated, "Now this award will only be the second best thing I've received tonight," and walked off.

With that shocking upset, The Room had claimed three of the acting awards with only Wiseau himself in Best Actor before naming Best Picture. It was time, but Tommy couldn't hear anything Nicole Kidman was saying. He just looked around the room, and suddenly everything was still. In that moment, Tommy Wiseau had achieved absolute peace. He was where he always wanted to be, surrounded by peers who respected him. He looked his competition in the eyes, from Sean Penn to Johnny Depp to Jude Law to Bill Murray. He was so in his own head that he didn't hear his own name called as the winner. It took his whole cast and crew lifting him onto the stage to get him there. Everything was such a blur, Tommy couldn't remember what he said, nor did he feel bad when his movie lost Best Picture to The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (let's be honest, nobody was ever going to beat it). For he understood love and success, and that was all he ever wanted.

Tommy Wiseau Photoshopped with Barrie M. Osborne, Peter Jackson and Fran Walsh

Too bad none of that actually happened, and we all know The Room to be the lovingly terrible piece of work it is. I hope you enjoyed this fantastical look into Tommy Wiseau's best case scenario for how his magnum opus could have turned out. And Tommy, if you're out there reading, don't stop making things, don't be a chicken, cheep cheep cheep. One day, this may not just be a work of fiction.

satire
Like

About the Creator

Sam Pinnelas

Not born in a log cabin on a not stormy not night...

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.