LaineyGossip on the White Fragility used against Sasha Exeter

Canadian influencer Sasha Exeter took to her Instagram a week ago to share her own "Amy Cooper" experience.

Amy Cooper, if you recall, was the white woman who called the police hysterically claiming her life was in danger from Christian Cooper, a Black man who was bird watching in Central Park. Despite many breathing a sigh of relief that this encounter didn't end in a fatal tragedy, the George Floyd murder occurred around that time which kick-started the culture movement we're finally experiencing now.

In a near 12 minute video posted to her Instagram, Exeter opened up about the threats made to her livelihood from Toronto socialite and stylist Jessica Mulroney. Exeter claims after putting out a generic call of action on her Instagram Story for the Black Lives Matter movement, Mulroney "took offense" to it and "what happened next was a series of very problematic behaviour and antics that ultimately resulted in her sending me a threat in writing last [week]." While Exeter's IG Story was not directed at anyone in particular, she believes Mulroney's reaction was "possibly showing her guilt for lack of action and because of that she began to lash out at me."

She continues that Mulroney sent her numerous texts and emails trying to justify her silence by claiming she may be vilified by the public for posting about the movement and that it may hinder her television prospects (she's appeared on Good Morning America and had a now-canceled upcoming Canadian reality show I Do, Redo) because they "matter too."

The most egregious use of privilege Jessica Mulroney allegedly lobbied against Sasha Exeter was informing her that she spoke to "companies and people about the way you've treated me unfairly... you think your voice matters. Well, it only matters if you express it with kindness and without shaming people who are simply trying to learn. Good luck."

As someone who has lived my entire life in Toronto, the genuine courage it took for Exeter to relay these words cannot be overstated.

Mulroney responded on her Instagram following Exeter's post by regurgitating the same talking points every influencer spews when they're caught: racism is wrong. I want to be better. I promise I'll be better. My best friend isn't white. Sorry to those I offended.

The next day, Exeter apparently received a DM from Mulroney stating, and I quote, "Liable suit. Good luck." I'm assuming she meant to write "libel."

TV personality and celebrity columnist Elaine Lui, known as Lainey, wrote an incredibly in-depth response to the controversy and explored the idea of needing to shape white privilege and fragility in a way that will make it more palatable for white people:

Lainey includes the quote Exeter prefaced her video with:

"Listen, I’m by no means calling Jess a racist. But what I will say is this: she is very well aware of her wealth, her perceived power and privilege because of the colour of her skin. And that, my friends, gave her the momentary confidence to come for my livelihood in writing.”

Utilizing your known privilege as a white, ridiculously wealthy woman who is connected throughout the country to undermine and implicitly threaten the livelihood of a Black woman... I mean, what are you actually doing here?

By including the above disclaimer, any individual suffering from white fragility is able to set aside their immediate instinctive defense of "I'm not racist!" and are ultimately more inclined to listen to what Exeter has to say.

The following passage from Lainey expanded on an idea from Robin DiAngelo's book "White Fragility" and was a revelation that shamefully never really occurred to me before:

"Basically, the minute you call a white person a racist, or any non-Black or non-Indigenous person of colour conditioned in white supremacy, they shut down. They can’t accept it about themselves and they then center their fear – in other words, they center themselves in the situation, which further prevents them from empathising with the Black community.

Sasha Exeter, whether it was deliberate or instinctive, cut this reaction off at the pass and by stating that she’s not calling Jessica Mulroney a racist, she increased the likelihood that white members of her audience would be more receptive to her story."

I have always considered myself to be relatively aware of certain social issues countless people of colour endure on a daily basis but I fell short in never considering why so many individuals who rightfully call out others for their actions preface their statements with "I'm not calling them racist but..."

The Karen perusing her Instagram who comes across Exeter's video could never be racist! She would've voted for Obama for a third term! She posted two black squares for Black Lives Matter! She also never fails to impulsively clutch her purse when a Black man enters her field of vision.

Sure Karen, you may not be a racist but there certainly must be a reason for why you've called the police after seeing a Black family hosting a barbecue?

I will never know what it's like to live my life as a Black person. Crafting my words in order to make them as white person-friendly is a concept I have never had to worry about. Growing up as a Muslim, I would occasionally get stares whenever I wore a hijab during Ramadan but those encounters can't even begin to scratch the surface on what millions of individuals consistently experience.

I also have the pale skin of a glass of milk so on the surface, I could certainly resemble a terrifying Cooper-Mulroney hybrid. I need to acknowledge the advantages I hold over a visible minority and strive to allow those to have the same opportunities afforded to me.

"If we can accept that we are all capable of racist actions, we can fix the actions. Changing a PERSON might feel like an overwhelming undertaking, but changing an ACTION is, well, actionable. A series of changed actions can be the beginning of a changed person."

Lainey ultimately believes this is where Mulroney fell short - her "grossly inadequate" apologies (immediately followed by the "liable" DM) were essentially all to avoid "the only effective apology [which] would have been to acknowledge her white privilege." Why couldn't she achieve this? "Because of her white fragility."

Throughout the article, Lainey has to explain her working relationship with Ben Mulroney as well. Jessica has been married to Ben for over ten years. For those outside of Canada, the name "Mulroney" may sound somewhat unfamiliar to you. For some context, Ben has been Lainey's costar on Etalk, Canada's daily entertainment and celebrity news show, for years. They have a professional working relationship remaining as close as one can be with a coworker you really only associate with during working hours.

He is also the eldest son of Brian Mulroney, the former Prime Minister of Canada... Ben's sister Caroline is head of the Ministry of Transportation of Ontario. So to say the Mulroneys have influence over the Canadian social sphere is an incredibly wild understatement.

I cannot express the sheer admiration I feel for Exeter's bravery to come forward both with the initial Instagram video and the DM exposing Mulroney's apparent duplicity. She acknowledged the incredible risk she's undertaken by exposing one of the country's most powerful and influential figures with Lainey echoing this sentiment:

"People are afraid of retribution. I am afraid of retribution – and I guess I’ve just made it worse with this post. Retribution might not come this week or next week, but in three or six months, when Jessica’s white privilege (which is already working in her favour, since as small as the Toronto arts and media circle is, it’s also homogeneous, and many of the people who work at the media, marketing, and branding agencies are also largely white so they identify and sympathise with her) is reactivated. She has powerful allies. If I’m worried, then, and I have a platform, imagine the people out there who don’t have my advantages."

"... [E]ven though Jessica may be humbled, she is still a member of two influential families. She still has access to very influential people. She has been pleading her case to other people with white privilege who see themselves in her and don’t want the same thing to happen to them. Meanwhile the Sasha Exeters of the world have to keep looking over their shoulders. Think about how that must feel, to go about your day, trying to just do your thing, while always on alert for when white privilege will strike again."

We are living in an unprecedented time where there are occasional consequences for those who have done wrong. For every Amy Cooper who has a potential Hate Crime Bill named after her, there are a dozen other examples where the actions taken by a prominent figure are met with the barest amount of consequences.

It's not up to me to decide what the outcome should be for Sasha Exeter's claims against Jessica Mulroney. I would hope that while Mulroney continues her apparent hideout, she reevaluates how to utilize her immense privilege. Acknowledgment is a crucial component in the genesis of her pledging to give her virtual microphone to the Black voices who need to highlight their experiences during this culture shift.

She will more than likely be welcomed back with open arms within her affluent social circles and when she does, being vocal about and using this privilege for good is a prospect she must bring to fruition.

Make sure to check out what other lessons Vocal+ Members have written about in the Lifelong Learning Challenge!