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In Memoriam: Every Narrative Quibi Film, Ranked

RIP to a legend

By MovieBabblePublished 3 years ago 4 min read
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READ THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE ON OUR WEBSITE: https://moviebabble.com/2020/11/18/in-memoriam-every-narrative-quibi-film-ranked/

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The Streaming Wars have caused a second casualty. First FilmStruck, and now Quibi. Quibi, which launched in April of 2020, lasted all of seven months before announcing its shut down. Its premise was simple: a streaming service, exclusively for mobile devices, which created original content that could be viewed in both horizontal and vertical aspect ratios. The films and shows would be split into six-to-ten-minute chapters, which was ideal for commuters. Unfortunately, Quibi failed to anticipate that 2020 was the worst year to launch a short-form entertainment platform, and it lost two billion dollars as a result.

But was Quibi’s financial failure indicative of the quality of its output? Not necessarily. When Quibi officially announced its shutdown date, I immediately got the free trial; I had to see, for posterity’s sake, what the service had to offer. As it turns out, it was a very mixed bag, but not without promise; for one thing, almost half the films were directed by women out of the gate, which was super refreshing. Presented below is my ranking of all 16 narrative feature films that were available on Quibi at the time of its demise (I didn’t have time to watch the dozens of documentaries, I’m sorry). As of writing this, you can watch none of them anywhere. It’s a shame; all films deserve preservation.

#16: Mapleworth Murders

Mapleworth Murders, from director Claire Scanlon and co-writers/co-stars Paula Pell and John Lutz, is about a woman who writes detective novels investigating real-life over-the-top murders in a small US town along with her English niece. It has the intelligence of kids programming (think Blue’s Clues), and plays like it too. Except, it also has loads of foul language and truckloads of innuendo. Who was this for??? Its worst sin is that it is criminally unfunny, as in absolute death (save for a precious few extended cameos). I’m sorry, but there’s no way around it: Mapleworth Murders sucked.

#15: Don’t Look Deeper

Don’t Look Deeper, from director Catherine Hardwicke and writers Jeffrey Lieber and Charlie McDonnel, is about a teenage girl living in California in the near future who discovers that she is an android. Now, this film is technically competent, and it has its heart in the right place. But my word, Don’t Look Deeper whiffs it SO HARD. The opening chapters present a metaphor for teenage mental health, but the way it embellishes in images of self-harm is 13-Reasons-Why-level irresponsible. It does try to recover from this as it reveals itself to be a queer narrative, but even then, it fumbles thanks to the mishandling of a trans character. Ultimately, support the cast (except for Don Cheadle and Emily Mortimer; what were they doing?), but skip this film.

#14: Survive

Survive, from director ­­­Mike Pellington and writers Richard Abate and Jeremy Ungar, is about a young woman who plans to kill herself on the plane ride home from a mental care facility, but is forced to try and survive when the plane crashes in the mountains. Again, it seems Quibi films don’t know how to handle mental health. The opening two chapters’ romanticism of suicidal ideation are incredibly (and needlessly) triggering; I almost quit watching then and there out of respect for my well-being. However, I kept going, and while the rest of the film isn’t as blatantly terrible, it is formulaic as frick, and quite boring. Also, screw the ending.

#13: Flipped

Flipped, from director Ryan Case and writers Damon Jones and Steve Mallory, is about a middle-aged White couple who, after stealing money from a Mexican cartel so they can renovate the house the money is stashed in, become captive renovators of the cartel leaders’ homes. The best word to describe Flipped is ‘unlikeable’. Our leads are arrogant, ignorant jerks who are casually racist and sexist, and we’re supposed to think it’s…funny, I guess? There are occasional moments of humor, mostly from Andy Garcia, who’s always a good time. But this film is simply too comfortable with all of the stereotypes, including a new addition, the ‘NoHo Hank from Barry’ character, to be worth anyone’s time.

#12: Die Hart

Die Hart, from director Eric Appel and writers Tripper Clancy and Derek Kolstad, is about Kevin Hart attending an “action star school” so he can become a Bonafede action hero instead of a perpetual comedic sidekick. Sadly, Die Hart is also the definition of ambivalent; this film does not know what it wants to be. On the one hand, it is literally about how to do action filmmaking, and yet, the action filmmaking is quite amateur. On the other hand, it’s about Hart trying to grow beyond being a comedic actor, and yet, never once does the film really try to give Hart anything beyond comedic material. Die Hart is an example of the lazy kind of meta-filmmaking; the kind that thinks the gimmick in it of itself is sufficient to center a film around.

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