Hallspark and Spirits

Hallspark and Spirits

Breaks Down: A Beautiful Place to Die

“After being forced into retirement, former detective Jeff Jackson returns to a quiet life on Martha’s Vineyard. Quiet, at least until a body washes up and he’s drawn back into crime solving.” - Hallmark’s words, not mine.

Starring: My man Jesse Metcalfe aka John Tucker Must Die, and Sarah Lind.

What the Heck is Happening Here?

My man John Tucker. That’s what’s happening here. The pretty boy has transitioned to a life of crime fighting in the Hallmark Universe. Armed with my second can of cider (a present from a dear, dear friend for hemming her dress) I’m ready to watch John Tucker solve a mystery Hallspark style.

PS: the fact that it’s only PG and it’s a murder mystery already has me rolling. This is gonna be adorable.

Stalker Alert

The story begins with some random guy stalking a father and son as they leave a restaurant. Creepy.

Then we flip over to my man, Jesse, fishing on the beach while talking to an old man cop buddy while they swap fishing stories. He invites Jeff (aka Jesse aka John Tucker… all the Js) to a gala but he says no.

By the way… his acting is… adorable…

Looks like Chad Michael Murray

Yes, that is the subheading because this kid is giving me massive early 2000s vibes. Look up a pic of CMM with the longer hair tucked behind his ears. That’s this kid’s vibe. It’s not cute.

He’s with two rich kids. Jesse… John… Jeff… ugh spies the weird vibes too and then we move on.

Jeff throws his back out fixing Judge Judy’s motor. This has to happen because…

The Good Doc Meet Cute

Although, it’s not really a meet cute because the beautiful doctor and Jesse John Jeff already knows Dr. Z, but we do get to find out that JJJ has a bullet in his back that forced him into early retirement.

Dr Z’s dad is that same old man fishing on the beach, who just happens to be the police chief. How Hallmarky predictably, predictable.

The Gala

Oh, look! The Good Doctor Z is in the required Hallmark red dress! So, so proud. Jesse John Jeff showed up anyway, despite turning Dr Z down in front of Miss Foundation Peyton and their friend.

At the Gala, we get to meet Reporter Jackie (Another J… I can’t. My brain can’t handle it. Pause for another drink). She is hounding some rich couple and Peyton shoos her away. Mysterious.

Jeff noticed the weird vibe with the rich kids and the CMM lookalike. He has to break up a fight between the two boys and everyone’s staring. Aka-awkward.

BTW, the foundation is called Harriet’s Hope and Miss Foundation Peyton gives us the super specific mission of said foundation: “To help families impacted by illness.” Neat.

The Case

Poor Jeff had a nightmare. And in all seriousness, he’s got some PTSD, Hallmark. Get him some help. It’s okay to talk to a professional. Everyone should feel safe enough to talk to someone.

Okay, getting off my soap box.

But we find out that his partner was also shot and he doesn’t sleep well because of it.

The next morning, Detective JJJ sees a jacket in the water and there’s some blood on it. GASP!

Aaaaaaaaand there’s the body conveniently floating face up in the water. I’ve seen enough cop shows to know that the paramedics should have been there and there should have been some kind of dive team pulling the body up, not fully clothed, shiny boots cops with their hats on their heads.

But I’ll let it go…

Detective Jeff knows what to do so he ever-so-nonchalantly tells the young cop what she should do next because this is Martha’s Vineyard and people don’t get murdered here.

Dr. Z is the ME too. Cute. That’s how they’re going to work together. I’m here for it.

Poor Chad Michael Murray lookalike was murdered. PS: His name is Ray. I’ll try to remember, but I make no promises.

Detective Jeff and Chief Daddy (I’ll be honest, I have no idea what his name is) take a casual stroll down the dock to investigate the boat that Ray was staying on. “No obvious signs of foul play,” from 10 feet away. Yeah, okay, sure.

But never you fear, Judge Judy is on the case!

Marvin the Martin

Okay, that’s probably not his real name, but whatever.

Here’s a nice run on sentence of all the important people and their roles:

Daddy Warbucks Martin is father to the two rich kids who were fighting with Ray before he got killed. The dad is the financial advisor type dude for Miss Foundation Peyton’s foundation who has had to give up the reins to the Percys who are the big donors.

Phew.

Oh, and Daddy Martin and Papa Percy both graduated from the fancy high school on Martha’s Vineyard in 1985. It’s important. I’ll explain later.

Stay With Me Here

Jackie, the reporter from the Gala, who is cute as a button btw and I really want Jesse John Jeff to be with her, but we all already know that he’s going to be with Dr Z because she wore the red dress.

Focus. Sorry.

Jackie discovered that someone was skimming off the top of the foundation’s funds and she reported on it, got the IRS involved, and created a whole mess for herself in Martha’s Vineyard.

Let’s Do This!

With less than an hour left, Jeff and Z partner up and together they’re gonna solve this case. Let’s go!

We are introduced to the obvious bad guy, Fletcher, who was the actual owner of the boat that Ray showed off to the Martin Kids. Ray was just the heckhand. So, we already know that Fletcher didn’t do it. Even though Ray stole his boat.

Martin did it. Case closed.

The Plot Thickens Like Gravy

We get to see security footage of the night of the gala. The Martin boy, Brad, comes out, argues with Ray, then Ray goes back in. Martin girl, Stacy, comes out and argues with Brad, goes in, and neither Ray nor Stacy come back out again.

Brad and Stacy are THE most rich kid names ever. Well done, Hallmark. You hit the nail on the head there.

BUT! That same night, we see Mama Percy come out looking super upset. And we find out that her car was stolen. The plot thickens.

Me thinks the car was used to transport Ray’s body.

JJJ and Z head out back and see a bunch of pallets of glass blocks — there was a glass shard found in Ray’s head wound — and they know they’ve found the scene of the crime and the murder weapon. Sweet.

Judge Judy calls Jesse John Jeff to tell him that there’s a suspicious man sniffing around the Fletcher boat. JJJ and Z rush over and Suspicious Dude catches Z by surprise, but Detective Jeff comes to the rescue! Bad dude gets away, but Fletcher is caught and questioned. He doesn’t even know Martin and has no idea about the money skimming, so he’s still not the prime suspect.

Duh, I already knew that! I am changing my vote from Papa Martin to Brad and Stacy, though. Because… Brad and Stacy think that Papa Martin stepped out on Mama Martin and sired Ray. Gasp!

Glass Blocks that Float?

Thanks to Z’s amazing detective skills and puzzle-put-together-ing she finds out that Ray had a bank account number in his pocket.

The cops have found the tarp that was missing from those glass block pallets because it had washed ashore so conveniently and immediately after Jeff and Z visited the scene of the crime.

Which… okay… hold on for just one gosh darn cotton pickin minute… Those glass blocks are set in cement. They’re heavy. That tarp is not gonna float hunny boo boo. I have so many questions.

But I’ll let it go… Sigh…

We do get to find out that Mama Percy’s car wasn’t hot wired. Someone had the key.

At the scrap yard where said car had turned up, the bodyguard tried to talk to JJJ again, but he got arrested before he could spill his secrets. Convenient. Detective Jeff should have waited and heard him out. Would’ve saved us the last 20 minutes of this movie.

Aaaaanyway,

Back at the foundation, Miss Foundation Peyton and the Percys are celebrating because the IRS found no evidence of wrongdoing. Which is mighty suspicious. Poor Jackie has gotta be super confused.

Jackie is certain that the skimming tip came from Miss Foundation Peyton. The working theory is that Peyton was angry that the Percys were the leaders of the foundation rather than her because it’s her family foundation not theirs, so she became an anonymous whistleblower. Nice theory. I’ll allow it.

10 Minutes Left for the Hallmark Info Dump

Jesse John Jeff and Z are watching Instagram videos when they just happen to see THE video that so conveniently puts all the pieces together.

Are You Ready for This?

Deep breath….

Aaaaand… here we go:

Papa Percy quotes some quote that Jeff remembers from the class of ‘85 yearbook using the nickname Goose because he laughs like a goose — Hallmark very clearly points out that it’s not Goose from Top Gun. It was before Top Gun, thank you very much.

Jeff and Z head over to the foundation, but it’s empty except for Miss Foundation Peyton who is acting very strange. It turns out that Papa Percy is Ray’s dad, not Marvin the Martin. Uh, oh.

Welp, that escalated quickly.

Really, Peyton? Really? A gun to Z’s head?

Miss Foundation Peyton had been cooking the books for years so that Papa Percy could support Ray and not get caught, but Ray ruined everything by showing up with the account number to the foundation, threatening to out everyone. Peyton couldn’t have her precious foundation brought into the spotlight with a scandal, so she got rid of the “problem.” She murdered Ray with the glass block, wrapped his body in the tarp, used Mama Percy’s car to transport his car to the dock, and dumped him into the ocean.

Problem Solved. Case Closed.

But Peyton isn’t willing to come quietly. She kidnaps Z and takes her to the dock where I guess she thinks she’s gonna be able to run away? But Jeff chases after them and saves the day.

And they all go fishing ever after.

The end.

I need another drink.

****

This gets 4 stars because the murderer surprised me, but Jesse John Jeff Jackson cannot act. Buddy… You’re pretty, but… buddy… Oh, and get some pants that fit. They don’t need to be that tight. I promise it’s okay.