Garbage Pail Kids

Oh the 1980s, what a time to be alive. Now granted I was born in 1985, so I missed half of it (only because I can't remember most of it). The movies that came out during this decade were classic. Back to the Future, Ghostbusters, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Empire Strikes Back, the list goes on and on. But you know which movie never gets mentioned on this list: The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, and you know why? Because this movie is the worst piece of crap that's ever been put on film. I never heard of this movie until a couple of years ago when I saw a couple of my favorite reviewers talk about this so I figured now works before I do Lifetime Movie month (yes I'm bringing it back!) to see how bad this movie is.

Now Garbage Pail Kids, how would I describe them? Gross. They were trading cards to, I guess, make fun of the Cabbage Patch Kids that came out in the early 80s. As you can tell I was not a fan of this. I had a couple of Cabbage Patch Kids dolls growing up. So my knowledge of the cards is limited but from the picture I've seen, well, not going to be a fan anytime soon. (Though I will say the Donald Dumpy card is funny and yes, Google it.) And after watching this movie I will never buy them or tell any family member or loved one to invest in these cards. (Believe me, they are not baseball card worth money or sanity.)

The movie's intro could have been clever using the cards to introduce the character in a gross way, but instead, they just use the human's real names. (Damn, I could have written this movie and then I wouldn't have had to review it. where is the Delorean when you need it?) We meet Dodger, a kid who doesn't have a back bone or a characteristic that I can describe. He really doesn't have much to him except he likes a girl named Tangerine. (Yes, that's her name not the fruit, though the fruit is better in many ways.) She's a bitch; she treats Dodger like shit throughout the movie and yet Dodger doesn't see this. (Plus he doesn't realize that she is clearly 21 years old and he's only 13.) Tangerine is dating a stereotypical bully named Juice. (Hey, it's Tangerine Juice, part of a complete breakfast.) He wants to make Dodger's life a living hell for no mentioned reason.

Dodger works in, I guess, a thrift store, full of old crap and a garbage pail that's just on top of a shelf that is in the front of the store but no one is allowed to touch it. Of course, when Juice decides to beat up Dodger, for touching Tangerine's hand after dropping something, he drops the pail on the floor. The pail releases the foulest things on this earth: Kids that make fart jokes and barf jokes (classy).

Now I'll give the movie a little bit of credit, they made these Pail Kids costumes or puppets or whatever look like I never want to have kids. These kids piss on the floor, look like an alligator, fart, barf, and I forget what the others do. We're supposed to feel bad for these kids for being ugly but all I feel is wanting to punch them. They are annoying as fuck. All they do is talk over each other and I can't understand what they're saying half the time. And even when I do understand what they're talking about, it's dumb. Oh and I forgot to mention they know how to sew. (Which, yes, is important for the story.) The kids are told not to leave because they might get caught, but do kids ever listen? They see a Three Stooges movie (they still play those in theaters) and go to a bar literally called "The Toughest Bar in the World" (clever!) wearing a trench coat and hat all along the way, until they take them off, go back to the store, and don't get caught.

Tangerine is a fashion designer (or in the 80s it was called neon colored and sequins coordinator) who finds out that these kids sewed Dodger's very Micheal Jackson jacket. She clearly uses Dodger to design her clothes, any blind person can see she's using him. The kids make Tangerine's clothes for a fashion show. Tangerine also flirts with Dodger throughout this in order to make him look more gullible than he already is. Yet she has a plan to get rid of the kids (even though they sewed her clothes and if she wants more shows, I don't think getting rid of them is a wise idea) and take all the credit for the clothes.

Now you might be wondering, How does one get rid of kids of gross Garbage Pail Kids stature? Well, that's easy: Put them in the State Home for the Ugly. That's right, this movie has the nerve to make a place where ugly people are locked up and killed. (Yep, that's right.) Because nothing teaches being positive about image than making a place that children will fear is real for the rest of their lives. Even Santa Claus is in the home; that's right kids, Christmas is cancelled this year because he's serving time for being too ugly and fat. Thanks kids for feeding him all those cookies over the years. Merry Christmas! Well, after freeing the kids from the home, Dodger then realizes that Tangerine was using him and gets back at her by ruining her fashion show. And the best part is the fact that Dodger punches Juice in the face and does it in a way that reminds me of when Ralphie from A Christmas Story beats up Scut Farkus (you know, a better movie than this) and just stops and says it's not worth it. Of course it's worth it! You're half-way through with the job, why not finish it now?! So the movie ends with the kids free to roam the streets.

This movie is trash, yes, like a garbage pail. It's so dumb, gross, and lazy that I can't even think of words to describe how mad I feel after watching this. I just want to punch Scut Farkus in his red headed, red eye face...no I'm better than that. I'm not a violent person. I never was (except with my sister). I need to breath, and realize I have Lifetime movie month to look forward to. That's right, I'm bringing it back. Last September, I did a whole month to the dedication of the cheesiness that is Lifetime movies. This year the theme will be "Biography, How Lifetime Sees Famous Things." I will be looking at behind the scenes from shows like Full House and Saved By The Bell to the life of Britney Spears. And to top it all off, I'm going to look into the movie I wanted to talk about for the longest time: Liz and Dick". I can't wait! See you next week!