Forcing My Fave Celebs To Play A Real-Life Game of Clue

So in high school, I tried (and failed) to throw a murder mystery dinner party for my 18th birthday. Keep in mind, I was a proud theatre geek with an overactive imagination and very few friends. I had a guest list and outline of a script ready, but for some reason, the murder mystery never came to be. Paying for a theatre troupe to come and throw a murder mystery party at my house seemed ridiculous, so I just spent my 18th doing a normal person birthday party. And it was BORING.

I've spent years regretting that failure. Films like Booksmart and web series like Edgar Allan Poe's Murder Mystery Dinner Party have made me long for a crazy night of theatrics and accusations. All I want is to force my best friends to play kooky characters completely unlike their real selves. And then shamelessly speak along with them as they recite dialogue I wrote.

It seems my prayers have been partly answered. Since Vocal is allowing me to throw the ultimate dinner party for your viewing pleasure, I thought to myself...what if I invited the actors of my dreams to play roles in a murder mystery party? And what if I made life easy by basing the dinner party off of my all-time favorite board game...

CLUE!!!

For those of you living under a rock who have for some reason never heard of Clue, it's a murder mystery game for three to six players, and currently owned by Hasbro. In order to win, you must determine three things: who murdered the game's victim (known as "Mr. Boddy"), where the crime took place, and what weapon was used. You get to play one of six suspects and move around the rooms of a mansion in order to collect clues.

Playing the game makes you feel like you're a detective living in a 1950's noir movie. The game is so popular, there was even a Clue movie made back in 1985!

So in order to make this Clue-themed murder mystery party a night to remember, there are three things I would need...

An all-star guest list, a killer location, and a game plan for my players.

With all the actors on IMDB at my fingertips, half the fun of this party will be choosing who gets to play the six suspects within the game. I will be playing the murder victim, Mr. Boddy, so no need to cast him. I'm also not going to worry about the NPC characters for this dreamcast - just the well-known characters from the game and movie.

I'm basing these picks off these celebrities' personalities, fashion choices, previous roles in films and TV, and yeah...how much I fangirl over them on a daily basis.

So without further ado, here are my guests.

Miss Scarlet - Scarlett Johansson

The first suspect to roll in the game, Miss Scarlet is a femme fatale known for her youth, cunning, and beauty. In the film, she's from Washington DC and runs a secret underground brothel. As her surname suggests, her signature color is red.

This pick was a no-brainer. Not only does Miss Scarlett Johansson share the same name as her Clue counterpart, but she is famously known for her femme fatale roles. Black Widow was originally a femme fatale for Tony Stark in Iron Man 2 (Johansson would bring more complexity to the role in later Marvel films), and her alien character in Under the Skin seductively preys on men in Scotland before gobbling them up.

Personally, I'm so captivated by Scarlett's recent performances in Marriage Story and Jojo Rabbit that I desperately want to bring her acting chops to my fantasy dinner table.

And not only is she talented, charming, and beautiful, but she looks fantastic in the color red! Say what you will about Johansson, but she was born to play Miss Scarlet.

Colonel Mustard - Sir Patrick Stewart

The second suspect to roll, Colonel Mustard is a burly man known for his big game hunting and exploits in colonial imperialism. According to Wikipedia, he is a "dignified, dapper, and dangerous military man."

Basically, the guy's got big d*ck energy.

I think Sir Patrick Stewart could nail his intimidating presence. He's played powerful characters like Charles Xavier in X-Men, Darcy in Green Room, and most famously, Captain Picard in the Star Trek franchise. That last role of his basically immortalized him to meme status.

Also, Sir Patrick Stewart played the titular character in the 2010 film, Macbeth. That performance is one of my favorites from him, but I find it is criminally underrated compared to the rest of his acting canon. As we know, that Shakespearean character is also a dangerous military man, so if there's anyone who can play Colonel Mustard well, it's P Stew.

Mrs. White - Olivia Colman

Okay, I'll admit it. This choice was a guilty pleasure of mine.

The third to roll, Mrs. White is a frazzled servant who works at the manner. Her job title always changes. Originally, she was a nurse before being changed to a maid. Then in the film, she was a resident of the manner and widow to a nuclear physicist. Today, she's not even known as Mrs. White. Hasbro retired the character in the 2016 edition of Clue and changed her name to Mrs. Orchid.

Whatever version of herself she is at my dinner party, I know Olivia Colman is the woman for the job. As an actress, Colman is a chameleon. She showed both dramatic and comedic range as Queen Anne in The Favourite (a performance she won an Oscar for), won an Emmy for her role in Broadchurch, won a Golden Globe for playing Queen Elizabeth in The Crown, and portrays the most unhinged character, "Godmother," in Phoebe Waller-Bridge's show, Fleabag.

With her good luck, she'll probably be the winner of my murder mystery dinner party. If anything, she's a great presence to have at a gathering. The woman is funny and down-to-earth as hell. Who could forget that hilarious speech she gave after winning "Best Actress" at the 2019 Oscars?

Fun Fact: I saw Olivia Colman once at a New York Film Festival after party for the premiere of The Favourite. How did I get into that fancy after party, you may ask? Well, that's another story for another time. But I do kick myself every day for not approaching her when she was totally free to talk to. The woman is a British national treasure.

Mr. Green - Mahershala Ali

Fourth to roll, Mr. Green (or Reverend Green in the UK version of the game) is an Anglican priest who has also taken on some money-oriented jobs, including a mobster and businessman. In the film, he's a state department employee and closeted gay man.

I thought about actors who have played most of those roles, or at least roles close to those roles. The first person who came to mind was Mahershala Ali. He plays a sheikh in the newest season of Hulu's religious comedy, Ramy, a mobster named "Cottonmouth" in Luke Cage, Frank Underwood's Chief of Staff in House of Cards, and the famous gay pianist, Don Shirley, in Green Book. Like Colman, the man's got range.

Personally, I'm a huge fan of Ali's chill personality and smooth voice. It's crazy how he juggles so many intense film roles while also being a dutiful father, husband, and cat dad!

Mrs. Peacock - Regina King

The fifth to roll, Miss Peacock is an influential and regal grand dame who is married to an infamous US Senator. Of all the characters in the game, she is by far the most stylish, and her signature color is blue.

While I have not seen too much of Regina King's filmography outside of If Beale Street Could Talk, the woman is powerful, confident, and elegant enough to convincingly pull off Mrs. Peacock. She was named one of Time's 100 most influential people in the world in 2019, has an Oscar and several Emmys to her name, and has credits in directing and producing.

Regina is also an acclaimed activist. During her Golden Globe speech in 2019, she made a vow to produce projects that are composed of a 50% women team. This year at the Emmys, she wore a Breonna Taylor t-shirt in remembrance of the 26-year-old Black woman who was unjustly shot by Louisville police.

What I personally love most about Regina King is her sense of fashion. On the red carpet, she wears THE most stunning dresses that never fail to make best-dressed lists. She also has a tendency to wear gowns with long trains or backings reminiscent of peacock tail feathers. OBSERVE:

Here she is in her 2019 Oscars dress next to a white peacock...

Now here she is in her 2020's Emmy's dress next to a beautiful Indian blue peafowl. Notice how the gown's puffy backside is reminiscent of the plumage the peacock shows off...

And here is her 2020 Oscars dress next to a pink peacock, which...yes, doesn't exist in real life, but the resemblance is still uncanny!

Now, onto the guest I'm most excited about...

Professor Plum - John Mulaney

Last but not least, we've got Professor Plum. The sixth to roll, he's a witty young professor who always wears a suit, bow tie, and glasses. He's also a disgraced former psychiatrist of the World Health Organization who had an affair with a former patient. Looks like someone didn't know how to practice social distancing.

So yeah...I picked John Mulaney for this one. As you can tell from the side-by-side comparison above, the two share a similar "oh my god what's going on" face. John Mulaney is one of those guys who looks odd unless he's wearing a suit, and maybe a bowtie to go with it.

He's pretty witty like Professor Plum, if his popular stand up routines are any indication of his intellectual prowess. I know he would be perfect for this game of Clue considering how he prides himself on his blackout detective skills. Also, he's associated with another guy who could probably help him out in this murder mystery game: Detective J.J. Bittenbinder. STREET SMARTS!!!

So with our hilarious, entertaining, and intelligent cast set and invitations mailed out, it's time for the next part of this party planning...

So in the board game, the characters move around an English country house known as the Tudor Mansion. The board shows rooms, corridors, and secret passages in the house where clues are hidden.

There are nine rooms where the murder can take place: the kitchen, dining room, lounge, ballroom, hall, conservatory, billiard room, library, and study. There's also a cellar where the envelope containing the game's answers are kept, but it is inaccessible during the game.

Because I'm too lazy to find a place that has the exact layout of the Clue board, I'm just going to set my party at the illustrious Broughton Hall. It's an English country house in Yorkshire within Tempest Park that's been around since the late 1500's. I came across the location while watching the Youtube web series I Am Sophie. Believe it or not, the estate is available to rent.

Through watching the web series and doing my own research, I've found the mansion actually has every room listed on the Clue game board. It even has a conservatory/greenhouse and that weirdly specific billiard room!

While I'm not sure if the house has any secret passages or a spooky cellar, there is more than enough space for my detectives to investigate. Broughton Hall has 17 bedrooms, 13 bathrooms, and a dining capacity for 80 guests. That's enough to fit all six of my celebs, a waitstaff, and maybe even a camera crew to document everything.

For this dinner party, I think we'll keep the majority of our murder mystery exploits to the dining room. I love the eerie green color of the walls and fancy paintings. Nothing screams someone's going to die tonight like a really long rectangular table. Also, the maroon floors match the color of the Clue logo, and all the candles are reminiscent of the game's candlestick murder weapon.

So with our fancy location booked, it's time for the main event...

Here's how it'll all go down.

After mailing out gilded invitations informing the celebrity guests which characters they will be playing (and how they should dress for the evening), I'll meet them outside Broughton Hall's front entrance. I'll be dressed as Mr. Boddy, complete with a nice suit, fedora, and handlebar mustache. If you know me in real life, you know how I never refuse an opportunity to dress in drag.

I'll lead everyone to the dining room where we'll take our seats and eat a luxurious dinner. It'll be a wide variety of fancy foods. And of course, I'll have plenty of options - Scarlett Johansson is an on-and-off-again vegan.

On everyone's placemat will be a manilla envelope containing a script with dialogue, a notepad, and some playing cards - which have been shuffled and distributed randomly before the game.

While we're eating, I'll read off some dialogue asking each character what they've been up to. Like the Clue movie, I want everyone to believe my character has blackmailed them in some way. I'll excuse myself while the guests read the scripts amongst themselves. They'll all engage in some kind of loony argument. Tea is spilled! Shade is thrown!

As tensions rise, the lights will dramatically flicker on and off, and...

AAAAAAHHH!!!

A scream! My scream, to be exact! I'll be found "dead" in the middle of the mansion, and another envelope with game instructions will be clasped between my clammy, lifeless hands.

So if you've ever played Clue, you know the game works by moving your token to one of the nine rooms in the mansion. Once you reach a room, you can make a suggestion of who murdered Mr. Boddy in said room and what murder weapon they used. There are six possible weapons: a candlestick, dagger, rope, lead pipe, revolver, and wrench.

Everyone gets cards showing suspects, weapons, and rooms that were not involved in the murder. After you make a suggestion, the player to your left can secretly show you a card that proves part of your suggestion wrong - if possible. Through process of elimination, you must make the correct accusation of who murdered Mr. Boddy, where, and with what. Guess wrong, and you're out.

Since my fantasy Clue game will take place in a real mansion, I'll be shaking things up a bit. My game will consist of a scavenger hunt portion where each of the six celebs gets a certain amount of time to run to one of the nine Clue rooms found in Broughton Hall. Then they must look for a murder weapon hidden somewhere in the room. Once they find a weapon, they can make a suggestion.

They can use the playing cards included in their dining room envelopes to eliminate suspects, weapons and rooms. Then, when they are able to make a suggestion, they can call a suspect to their room so they can secretly see their cards - and learn if part of their guess is incorrect.

For example: say Patrick Stewart reaches the library in the five minutes he has to find it, then discovers a revolver hidden inside one of the bookshelves. He is then allowed to guess who he think murdered Mr. Boddy in the library, and with what. He can summon Olivia Colman to check his answers. If she has any cards that disprove his guesses, she’ll show them. If not, the game keeps going without Patrick Stewart learning anything new. Also, because Olivia Colman was called over, she must stay in the library until it’s her turn to move to another room.

I think this game will be fun because of the time limit to get from one room to another. Broughton Hall is HUGE with dozens of rooms, so the celebrities will have to move quickly if they want to find a clue in time. And if their goal is to reach one room but get called over to another room in order to answer a suggestion, that may put them at a disadvantage. The players could sabotage each other’s progress because of this! It might even lead to some competitive bickering.

Finally, when a celeb has deduced enough to make their final accusation, they can look at the correct answers in a case file that will be somewhere in the middle of the house.

They get it wrong, they're out and must return to the dining room to miserably eat leftovers all by their lonesome.

I have no idea what the prize would be for the guest who wins the game. Maybe money for their favorite charity? Or my autograph? Or some free movie tickets? (Y'know, when things die down with corona?) I have no idea. Maybe it'll just be for bragging rights.

Of course, when the murder is solved, I'd have to come up with the killer's motive. I'd make a motive for each suspect in the celebrity Clue game, and they'd probably be something like this...

• Miss Scarlet hired an Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D to kill Mr. Boddy because he made an offensive joke about Clint Barton's eyesight.

• Colonel Mustard got Magneto to kill Mr. Boddy because he wanted the mansion to use as a school for gifted youngsters.

• Mrs. White had a royal British officer assassinate Mr. Boddy because SHE'S SECRETLY THE QUEEN AND HE LOOKED AT HER FUNNY.

• Mr. Green hired a hitman to whack Mr. Boddy because he put La La Land in the "Best Picture" envelope instead of Moonlight.

• Mrs. Peacock got a costumed vigilante to murder Mr. Boddy because she's got a nose for white supremacy and he smelled like bleach.

• Delta Airlines killed Mr. Boddy and Professor Plum got framed for murder 'cause life is a f*cking nightmare.

So yeah. That's my ultimate dinner party, straight from my imagination and fueled by two cups of Jack Daniels & Coke.

Now I turn to you, dear readers. If you hosted your own game of real-life Clue, who would you have play the suspects? Who do you think would win my game of Clue? Personally, I think Mahershala, P Stew, or Regina King would win, but a part of me wants John Mulaney to guess the correct answers out of pure luck.

Hope you enjoyed, and let me know your picks by sending me a DM on Insta! (My handle is @katyisaladybug) If enough of you guys respond, perhaps I'll make an article dedicated to your celebrity Clue suggestions.

Until the next whodunnit... ;)