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F**K Wendy

by Camilla Rantsen 3 years ago in entertainment
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My interview with Tinkerbell. *writer not responsible for certain statements and assumptions and sorry to Soho House. We were loud*.

You know what? I don’t get it. It’s a fucking nightgown. A gown. Like a full on long blue nightgown. I know, I know. She’s not the problem. It’s not her. It’s just that she caters to him and I’m so freaking over it. He’s all excited, because he never wants to grow up, bla, bla, and bla. Still. He’s grown enough and jumping through the window of a girl/woman/whatever in the middle of the night and yammering on about being able to fly or something like that. In most places, in most worlds, that’s just plain creepy and really ill advised and inappropriate in today’s climate.

I’m not mad at her. I’m annoyed. I’m annoyed that I’m here. Small, really pretty hair, a great job, wings and I have to constantly deal with the fact that Wendy has an English accent. I’m a mother-fucking fairy.! I have a fairy accent! I can fly. Yes, Peter, I know you can fly, too, for now, but honestly, I’m a little bit over your group of guys. The Lost Boys? Really? Did you watch Entourage too many times? You know that in this day and age, being a lost boy is really just sad and nerdy. But I get it. You’re all excited about your gaggle of unemployed un-showered pseudo-hipsters you hang out with. I know, I know, I know. You never want to grow up. But have you ever considered that perhaps being a grown up is just being a child, but with mild superpowers like a car, a credit card, and larger pants? No? You should. I’m lucky. I don’t need those things. I have wings. But you? You could grow up. I’m a fantasy, so I can’t technically grow up. But what people don’t know about fantasies is that we have a mind of our own and while we stay small and look like we’re conforming, we are really just growing better wings and more serious ponytails. If you know what I mean. Fuck off.

Here’s the deal: I liked you, but to be quite honest, I don’t want to come and see your band. You don’t have one. I know you can’t give me any credit; because I’m a better flier than you, but, my god, get better with using your hands. What do you think they’re there for? For when flying is not enough. It happens to all of us and you’re ill equipped.

The thing is, I like to be alone, but these days I’m hanging out with Captain Hook. Why? He doesn’t sit around talking about how he never wants to grow up and his bros are not dressed in sad underage outfits. He is a much better dresser even if Johnny Depp ripped him off. And!!!! He has a fucking job! Yes, I know, he makes people walk the plank. God, it’s funny, if he was a personal trainer, people would pay for that shit. I’m amazed at what people will be offended by if they get it for free.

So, yeah, I know it’s not Wendy’s fault. She was played by Gwyneth Paltrow. We all were. But the fact of the matter is, I love Goop. Do you think I can live on Unicorn Tear soup alone? I know, I know, it’s Keto, but I don’t care. I fly enough. Give me some firefly bone broth and some single estate Alwaysland Tequila and I can still fly in a direct line. Please remember that I was played by Julia Roberts. And I played her right back, because that’s how she and I roll. Enough said. And Wendy. One day we’ll accidentally run into each other at Soho House Malibu and all will be forgotten, because she might not even remember me and we can start fresh. She will probably opt to grow old gracefully, whatever that means. As far as I’m concerned it means, don’t be an asshole, but I think it’s supposed to curb your vanity. Here’s the deal: Don’t curb your vanity. Your vanity is the best way to check if you want to literally put your ass on the line, because in this world your face goes with it. Vanity can save your ass, when your heart is on strike and your gut is in denial. Saving face has bad connotations. It’s apparently not graceful. But your face is part of you as a whole. It is the gatekeeper of your brain. Why would you not take care of it?

There’s a good chance that I look like I don't grow old gracefully. Apparently happiness and contentment looks desperate in the human world, but just so you know, suffering is only admirable in a world where no one has to. In world's where people actually do suffer, it’s at best just plain time consuming and at worst, well, I’m sure you can imagine. People who actually suffer don’t see it as a mark of something better. They see it’s well, suffering. And unnecessary. Think about it: Is suffering in your first aid kit? No. I didn’t think so.

Wendy, if she is lucky, will look back at this flying boys business as something she grew out of and maybe grow into something she will enjoy. Don’t tell anyone, but that’s really how you grow wings. And Peter will find someone else in a nightgown with low self-esteem, with an open window, waiting for Santa, but settling for Peter.

I’ll be on a boat. I’ll be on a boat in the open ocean knowing that I always have an escape route to a wide-open sky on my back. Maybe I’ll even let my hair down.


*These opinions are by Tinkerbell only. They are transcribed by this platform and said platform is not liable for hurt feelings, bad judgment, or being unable to fly on Alwaysland Tequila.

**Above disclaimer is written by scared writer. I should never have spoken to you. You suck. Love, Tinkerbell.

***Writer’s feelings are now hurt by flying fairy. Also, please give back Tequila.

****You’re going to grow old!

*****How dare you!!!! You’re just looking for a book deal!

******From you? Hilarious. I will not help you with Soho House Membership. Love Tinkerbell.

******* Tink. This is a misunderstanding.

******** Please remember that everything is always out of context when you’re a fantasy. You should have known. You could have relied on that.

********* Could I, though?

********** Oh, shut up.


About the author

Camilla Rantsen

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