Every Christmas Hallmark Movie Ever

Merry is a big-city business girl who doesn’t have time for Christmas but fate causes her car to break down in a small town where she meets Nick (whose family business is Christmas) and he helps her rediscover the magic of the holidays.

Does this premise sound familiar? Think you’ve seen this Hallmark movie? You probably have. That’s why I created this sketch. Once you’ve seen one Hallmark Christmas movie, you’ve seen them all. But in the predictability and cheesiness is where lies the magic.

Hallmark holiday movies are relaxing. They are an escape. We know they will end happily; the lovers will reunite and the magic of Christmas will be found. That’s why, when we begin the movie, we can let down our guard and relax. Real life is unpredictable and not simple to solve, but these movies give our minds an hour and a half rest. The plot is predictable and the characters’ problems are simple. Plus, the movies are easy on the eyes, like a Pottery Barn Christmas magazine come to life.

Warning: If you read this entire article and watch my sketch, you’ll never have to watch another Hallmark movie again (but I’m sure you’ll want to) because below lie the nine plot elements found in every Christmas Hallmark Movie.

1. THE BIG CITY PROTAGONIST

Let’s say our protagonist’s name is “Merry” (it’s usually some Christmas pun, like Joy, or Mary, or Kristie). She’s a “big city” girl (though we never know what city the movie is referring to). Usually “big city’ is derogatory, and we can translate it to mean “anti-Christmas.” She just doesn’t have time for the holidays but by fate she gets stranded in a small Christmas town. This can be due to a work assignment, a family crisis bringing her back home, or my favorite, her car magically breaking down in the town before a big blizzard.

2. THE MULTI-TALENTED PERFECT SMALL TOWN GUY

The Hallmark leading men seem like they’re too good to be true because they are. For this example we’ll call him “Nick” (which is apropos since the men are often related to Santa Claus). Throughout the movie we slowly discover Nick is not only a handyman, but also an architect, doctor, single-dad, and charity donor on the side.

Even though Nick wears many hats, he is somehow always free to stop and get hot cocoa when he runs into Merry, which brings me to my next point.

3. ADULTS CONSTANTLY DRINKING HOT COCOA

In the Hallmark world, adults always have time and an appetite for a cup of hot cocoa. I honestly can’t remember the last time I heard an adult order hot chocolate (which is kind of sad, let’s all find our inner child again)! These Hallmark characters aren’t interested in coffee or wine, only hot cocoa.

4. THE DEVOTED FRIEND

There’s always the best friend who has no backstory or well, life. Their entire world and responsibility seems to be to pop up around the protagonist at the perfect time and be available for advice. They’re overly concerned with the main girl’s love life. On rare occasions, the best friend will have a love interest of her own, which is always exciting.

5. THE CHRISTMAS OBSESSED TOWN

Merry gets stranded in a town that seems to live and breathe Christmas. All they can talk about is the annual Christmas tree lighting or snowman competition. They are also always very happy to see Merry, a complete stranger. We can’t help but wonder what this town does after Christmas, if they even exist during other times of the year.

6. ORNAMENTS THAT HAVE WAY TOO MUCH SENTIMENTAL VALUE

In a Hallmark movie, decorating a Christmas tree together is a huge deal. It’s a monumental step in the developing romantic relationship. This is a point in the movie where the girl shares some personal insight into her childhood, and that memory is attached to an ornament. The tree’s already perfectly decorated, and this one ornament is all the work they do. The Hallmark guy is really into the tree, almost more than the girl. This too doesn’t seem like real life, and again, why we love it.

7. NO ONE EVER DOES ANY REAL WORK

Ah to be in the work world of a Hallmark character. What bliss. Their job is “stressful” but we only ever see them rearranging papers before going out for more hot chocolate. Merry is so “busy” with her job and doesn’t have time for anything else (not even Christmas!) yet she conveniently has time for baking contests, ice skating, snowman competitions, cookie decorating, sledding, and of course, hot cocoa.

8. A LOT OF ALMOST KISSES

Hallmark loves to keep their viewers guessing, so about halfway through the movie, Merry and Nick will start to lean into a kiss until someone from town interrupts them (completely oblivious of their destruction of a romantic moment). Usually this interruption is for another invitation to hot chocolate or Christmas caroling

9. THE CHOICE BETWEEN LOVE OR A CAREER

Why is it that the big problem of the movie is one we all can easily solve? Maybe so we viewers can feel in control of a situation, unlike life? Oftentimes the dilemma forces a choice between love or a career, though in the real world, the couple could easily figure out how to have both.

So what do you think? Will Merry, or any Hallmark girl, once again find the magic of Christmas and fall in love?

Tune into Hallmark today or at any time this month to find out! It doesn’t matter which movie is playing, they’ll all give you the same answer. (Hint: the answer is yes)!

Click here to watch my YouTube sketch that this article was created from and to find other holiday & family sketches I’ve created!