Does This Cape Make Me Look Vulnerable?

An animated, fashion icon once told her incredible client that she does not do capes...darling. At best, the superhero cape is window dressing. If a cape could help you fly, then you'd see birds wearing them. If it made you faster, then you'd see cheetahs wearing them (or maybe the animals that a cheetah chases). Sometimes, wearable items like capes become part of the fashion even though they have no utility whatsoever, like silk ties and shoulder pads. A good case could be made that you want to say no to the cape if you are seriously contemplating a run at the whole superhero thing.

You can't save the world if you destroy yourself. If you are so reckless with your own safety that you become undone by a frivolous costume item, then there is no hope for that school bus full of kids that's hanging precariously over the side of the Golden Gate Bridge. Have you ever walked by a nail sticking out from the wall and snagged your sweater on it? Imagine that problem made infinitely worse by doing that to your cape at superhero speed. The horrors. There are is shortage of ways that the cape can lead to injury, or even death. There are dangers that those of us who don't wear capes everyday just take for granted, such as elevators, escalators, car doors, bus doors, helicopter rotors, and blenders. Worst of all, if your mortal enemy or some other nefarious member of your antagonist gallery gets a firm hold of your cape, it becomes a massive choking hazard. That fiend may even pull the needless garment up over your head and pummel you into comic submission. As Gandhi once said, no.

Why does the cape lobby push so hard to make you feel bad about yourself for trying to be a superhero without a cape, when they know they're dangerous? They mislead you by pointing out that Superman wears one. What they do not tell you is that Superman could pretty much wear anything without much deficit. I mean, he has to wear something or he'd be the Flash, but he basically already defies the laws of gravity in so many areas that the shiny red fabric on his stretchy onesie is not going to make much of difference either way. He probably doesn't even need to take an elevator. Getting the big guy from Metropolis to stump for the cape makers is a lot like camels and cowboys trying to make 1970's smoking cool.

The things that one could conceivably use a cape for are not many. If you choose to roll with one then you could use it at the beach, take it on a picnic, cover your face in pandemic times, or use it as a blanket during a power nap. While there are some legitimate benefits to adding this to your avenging duds, there really isn't anything that can't just as easily be taken care of with a space blanket or a bandanna. Don't overthink it. Unless it makes you invisible or can stop missiles, it is only going to slow you down. Instead of rocking the back bib, consider looking into better footwear, some software for the cave computer, or some pockets for your phone. The problem with legging is that they just don't have enough places for phones and keys. A nice unbreakable shield could come in handy, as well.

There are exceptions. Dracula for instance, uses the garment to hide his stabbing molars from unsuspecting necks. His is an iconic look and a tool of the trade, but then he's really not a superhero. Batman lines his with bullet-proof fabric and has the gliding ability sewn into certain models. Because of his lack of powers, he has to balance the inherent dangers of floppy cloth with the threat of bullets and high falls. Really, if your hero persona has anything to do with bats then you earn a pass on this issue. Godspeed, winged rodents.

I'm not going to tell you that you can't go caping around, but as a near-expert on being a super vigilante, I highly suggest not. You are perfectly cool and meaningful just wearing the spandex and leaving the cape at home.