Classic Movie Review: 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3'

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 (1993)

Directed by Stuart Gillard

Written by Stuart Gillard

Starring Paige Turco, Elias Koteas

Release Date March 19th, 1993

Published June 2023

It was clear that the makers of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise was fast losing steam right about the time Vanilla Ice appeared in TMNT 2 to rap the phrase 'Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go!' It's at about that point that as a culture we had come to the conclusion that the necessity for a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle feature film was no longer existed. And yet, against all good sense and taste, the makers of the franchise pressed on with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, a screamingly minor entry in a franchise that had only narrowly found the energy for one and one half part of a movie and sequel.

And yet, someone forked over a $21 million dollar budget to send the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles back in time to some loose configuration of a past somewhere in Asia. Time travel is yet another signpost in the sweaty, desperate creation of a third Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Someone really promised more than they could possibly deliver to convince anyone that this was worth doing. Nothing in the film certainly justifies why this sequel was ever brought to the light of day, let alone unleashed on an unsuspecting public in movie theaters.

My heart goes out to the parents of 1993 who must have napped or stayed in the car while their kids watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3. The chore of sitting through this nonsense is like a parent being grounded by their kid and made to sit in time out for 90 minutes. This is a screamingly inessential film, a movie that has no right to exist in any way and yet somehow it does. Time, effort, and cold hard cash was dedicated to bringing this movie to the world and, for the life of me, I cannot imagine why.

Okay, that's not true, it's an exploitable I.P and has been for 30 years worth of less than stellar adaptations of writer-artist Kevin Eastman's weirdo creation. Merch sales are the likely culprit that dragged this movie from the morass of pop detritus to the light of a Hollywood executive's greenlight. Brand deals with fast food joints and endless amounts of toys could be hocked as the movie limped into and out of theaters with no need to impress anyone. The movie was very much an appendage to a marketing campaign intended to sell merch.

I guess there is a story here. The Turtles find some nonsense ancient artifact and when the four turtles touch it, they are transported back in time. In their place in the modern world, a young Asian Prince finds himself in the Turtles sewer home confronting a giant rat, Splinter, and the hockey mask and stick wielding Casey Jones (Elias Koteas). Several more of the Prince's minions are also displaced in modern times in place of the turtles and their friend, April O'Neil (Paige Turco).

In the past, the Turtles are met as Gods and as fearsome monsters, of which they are neither. They find themselves at odds with a local warlord, the father of the now missing Prince, and working alongside the Prince's love interest to protect the area from other warring warlords and ninjas. The scenes set in the past take place on cheap sets that make your average green screen look like the height of artistry. Oversized Lincoln Logs in a 17th century Asia decked out with kitsch stereotypes, including a giant gong sound, just to add an extra element of cringe culture to the proceedings.

All of my vitriol aside, I must be fair and recall that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 was a mercenary attempt to regain the child audience that had drifted away from the franchise about halfway through TMNT 2: Secret of the Ooze. It's as if a generation came of age right in the middle of that film and hastily abandoned TMNT for videogames or pursuing girls. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles went from hot to not faster than Homer Simpson's Barber Shop Quartet on The Simpsons. It was a mere moment in popular culture between when everyone loved the Turtles and when everyone stopped loving the Turtles.

When the owners of the TMNT I.P decided to make a 3rd film, they specifically set things backwards in terms of appeal in attempt to find the new 5 to 11 year olds who still might want to play with Turtles toys and acquire chintzy Ninja Turtles memorabilia. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 is exceptionally dimwitted and low watt because it's intended specifically to entertain little boys who love gross monsters, pizza, and the idea of ninjas. It might not seem possible for the makers of TMNT 3 to dumb things down from TMNT 2 Secret of the Ooze but you underestimate just how much these filmmakers love the money they can ring out of an I.P like a wet sponge.

Yes, somehow, this movie is dumber, louder and sillier than the previous film in the franchise and all in a naked effort to draw in the youngest audience possible in order to sell cheap plastic toys at a premium price. Cynical? Absolutely. But that's Hollywood capitalism baby. If there is blood to be squeezed from a stone, someone will pay someone to do the squeezing. That someone in this case was writer director Stuart Gillard managed this property to a minor profit by cutting as many quality corners as possible. You can darn near see the seams on the Turtle costumes and the sets are so dull, it's hard not to wonder where that 21 million dollar budget actually went.

I am in absolutely no position to comment on the racism involved in the time travel aspect of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3. The film seems to stop just short of yellow-face in terms of Asian stereotypes. The film has such a vague conception of Asian culture that I am pretty sure every part of Asia is represented in some way in this vague mishmash of Asian culture that makes up the setting of TMNT 3. I can't say that with any authority but it's hard not to notice while you watch it how incongruous the actors and the sets are.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 was recently the subject of the Everyone's a Critic Movie Review Podcast spinoff, Everyone's a Critic 1993. Myself and my co-hosts, teenager M.J and Gen-X-er Amy, watch the movies of 1993 in chronological release order, one movie at a time. It's a fascinating window into how movies and popular culture have shifted dramatically in just 3 decades. You can listen to the Everyone's a Critic 1993 Podcast on the Everyone's a Critic Movie Review Podcast Feed, wherever you listen to podcasts.

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