CATS - A Movie Review by Tomás

Bear in mind, I’ve never seen or read the staged play, but I remember the commercials advertising its arrival at the Pantages Theatre when i was a kid. Even then I thought it was a reach.

Having said that, there are some plays that do well when adapted to film, such as Fiddler on the Roof, West Side Story and from what I’ve been told, The Sound of Music … Etc. (Yes, I plan on correcting that last one before the year is ended – which means I’ve got four days left!) However, this one, CATS, is not one of them.

Opening scene/song (because every scene is a song) is the introduction of the cats who are in the scene already. We learn where they’re from, what they do, etc. Then, there’s the throwing of the abandoned cat (who was tossed into this world in a burlap sack) and all is fine and dandy; but the first 30 or so minutes spent on introducing who is who in this cat world, ugh. Already I’m thinking, “Ooooh boy, is this something I really want to sit through?”, and I should’ve listen to the answer… Which was no.

Then we have the cats themselves, whose names are … no, I’m not going to research and list their names because I don’t care enough about them to do so, really… I don’t.

So, here they are in the characters they portrayed - disappearing cat (Idris Alba, the villain I guess), who likes to grab his talent competition and transport them to a pirate ship in a magical mist, so he’ll win the prize from Dame Judy Dench in a talent contest that I can only surmise top prize was a trip to their 9th and final life on earth, in a hot air balloon no less?

There’s a magician cat who, on top of his own fur, wears a top hat and tails (not the tail that’s wagging between his legs, but a tuxedo coat with tails), and likes to do very poorly presented magician tricks with fake flowers and streamers and the like. He’s actually, I think, my favorite character (if I would have one) because he is the least annoying?.

Then there’s the lead cat (who is the one that was thrown in the burlap sack), who acts like she’s new to everything, and everything is being done for her - and I’m thinking “who is this cat that the whole cat world is fawning all over?”, And then I realize that it’s none other than Taylor Swift who, if you think about it, isn’t really acting because that’s how the world treats her already. But, I’m not sure that’s even Taylor Swift after all… It might be the new girl that they’re introducing in this film… How can we tell when they’re all covered in make up in fur?!

Either way, her character is always in and out of trouble when she decides to follow this cat, or that cat, on whims that she just happens to have in the middle of all these scenes and throughout the film. Did that sentence make sense? Exactly.

I don’t understand the purpose of casting a young and beautiful Jennifer Hudson in the character of an old and worn has-been cat.? And I don’t know why she even decided to do this. The same can be said with Sir Ian McKellen - why did he do this, and why are there these characters in there at all, if nothing more than to add a hint of sadness in this supposed happy magical film?

Oh wait, I have to correct myself on the whole “who I think my favorite cat” was… It has to be the overzealous, over eating, very well acted and very well danced, James Corden cat.

As with all the other cats he shows up out of nowhere and begins his song and dance explaining to us who he is but probably did it the best … and the gayest. There, I said it. I think James Corden is gay. ‘Not that there’s anything wrong with that’ (thank you, Jerry and George) - it’s just, James, it’s time to tell the wife.

The Controversies: I think that the whole CGI thing is blown out proportion, I don’t think it was all that horrible or all that great - it just is. I never saw the stage hand in the film, and I looked for him, and that sucked that I didn’t see him, if he was there at all.

The whole ring on Dame Judy Dench’s finger/paw thingy - was there, although I don’t know if it was supposed to be there or not … apparently not. But, there it is, bright and shiny, in front of everybody. And it didn’t distract from the film, looking for it distracted me from the film! It was just another part of a very poorly made film.

The directing in this film is as it was to be expected, how do you direct something like this? What emphasis do you put on storyline or song? What actor do you spotlight most or want to spotlight most or should have in there at all? All are good questions and the answer to those questions is this – The Scenery!

When they did venture out of their sound stage and into the real world, there’s beautiful images of London and the Thames River and all their other landmarks, and with that, I think there are some really beautiful moments in the film. However, and I would say this even if I were reviewing it as a play, save for a couple songs, I don’t think the music is all that great. I don’t think it holds your attention and I don’t think it’s worth my almost 2 hours of time spent watching it.

I hear that they’re going to issue a corrected version of this with better CGI and the blurring of whatever they didn’t want you to see that’s already in this film. I would like to tell the director and producers of this film, DON’T BOTHER! It won’t make a difference. Just let it go and let it die and go to the place where all bad films go … to HBO!