Carolina Sphinx Moth

”Self diagnosis is VALID!” ~ EGBO’s Lillian Carrier (Drea)

“It is offensive for someone neurotypical to claim autism...” err in the face of accountability for bad behavior. (Sorry Kayla Cromwell for the awful paraphrasing of your words)

This episode DELIVERED in every way.

Before we get there though I would like to admit that I tend to review things from a reactionary lens first. And, when you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.

Last weeks episode took a swing at a topic I’ve hoped to see more representation of. Adult diagnosis isn’t even fully explored in the field of psychology itself.

Oh shit, I forgot to say there are spoilers ahead! If you are not caught up to season 2 episode 9 I warn you to go no further until you get there. Otherwise, you may proceed.

Last week’s episode sees one of our favorite couples split up. (We do like Alex and Nicholas together right?)

Lol, honestly I’m still I’m still debating that one myself 😬.

But here’s why,

Not because it wasn’t cute to watch Alex get stressed out at every little thing it seemed Nicholas did... 👀😢

And maybe it’s in part wanting to see the two reconcile that we hope Nicholas gets some answers.

Maybe it’s my own journey why I sat on the edge of my seat the entire episode anticipating.

Is this the closest I’ll see to MY story being told?

Will it describe my experience in a translatable way?

What does this say about me?

Then, it was the replay of my first few months in therapy. At 23.

Therapy is already taboo in many communities. I could go off on a separate tangent on this as to why, but I won’t.

I wasn’t not around counselors and therapists my entire life. My grandparents had me in the church active young, a family church. There was plenty spiritual counsel. My mom also took my brothers to be diagnosed as having ADHD when we are all much younger.

My little brother had hearing issues earning him a diagnosis of ASD at about 3.

Largely what I remember most from my childhood is being heralded as some sort of absolute beacon of good because I was “normal”.

Fair, I had a very similar moment (infinitely worse than our neurotic Nicholas) when I had come to the same point. And through eyes of someone who had come to love me.

I think the words that stuck out to me most this episode, besides Matilda’s very important grandstanding Nicholas’s inquiry, was his own admission of how hard he’s been faking it. It’s not easy to step out of that facade. That safeguard you built for yourself for so long. And to be honest it’s probably why there are so many stubborn ass people in the world. The harder you worked to seal up all of the cracks in a reality you worked hard to build, it’s not worth it to tear down is it?

“I just thought everyone worked as hard as me but turns out, no, some people just know how to be”

This sentence has ruminated in my thoughts about as long as I’ve had my diagnosis.

Growing up as a normal kid in a city no less you hear all of the ableist things people say about those suffering with mental illness or divergences. And autism is spoken of almost exclusively in a trivial manner.

I know soon comes the season finale, but in a show where the creator opens the theme up to be “moving on”, one fan is looking forward with great excitement and hope. Maybe my exact story may never be told but if enough are, we can start to piece together core information so we can start to understand our spectrum all the clearer.

If you want to hear me really nerd out on EGBO go follow me on IG @ likeapoeticscientist.

I’m going to start doing breakdown of the shows (for no reason) Saturday’s on live time tba.

As always I hope to see more AA persons case and represented. But I know we’ll get there. Peace, love, and chicken grease. Take it easy and thank you if you’ve even read any of it.