Belated film reviews: Two Night Stand

I really, really hate that thought, you know. "Is it just me?" It's never just you. Never ever. It's like those viral tweets that read: "Is it just me, or does anyone else like summer better than winter?" It's not just you, it's also hundreds of thousands of people, Karen.

But... Is it just me, or is it getting harder and harder to find films of the general romantic comedy persuasion that are good? I'm not asking of them to turn the genre upside down, and I'm not asking of them to have an impact on my life like some of my personal classics have. I'm just asking for good, would watch again, without the pervasive addition of a "but" following the complimentary adjective.

Just good. Period.

Following that kind of disillusioned introduction, I expect you have guessed that my seven-year late review of Two Night Stand is not going to be stellar by any means. I found it in one of those lists I mentioned in my previous post, and I jumped headfirst, with only a vague, two-line summary of what was to come.

Two Night Stand is the story of Megan and Alec, who meet on a dating website, though "meeting" might be an overstatement here, and, after a particularly forgettable one-night stand and an argument before breakfast, find themselves locked up in Alec's flat while a snowstorm and intense blizzard are raging outside. I loved the plot. I thought the concept was original, and I liked the idea that two virtual strangers were going to find themselves forced to talk, get to know each other, and subsequently, develop feelings for each other while the weather was apocalyptic, and the world was at a standstill. The premise drew me in.

It's just the execution that pushed me out.

Before we dive deeper into the story, let's get this part straight.

I spent most of the eighty-six minutes of Two Night Stand wondering where on Earth I had seen all those actors before. The only actress whose name I read and immediately recognised was Jessica Szohr, who I knew for her portrayal of Vanessa Abrams in Gossip Girl. Everyone else made my brain go into "I've seen them in something before, but where?" territory. I had to Google the cast afterward to figure out I had seen Miles Teller (Alec) in That Awkward Moment (which qualifies as "lacking. Just lacking, in general") and apparently Divergent, though I have no recollection of anything that happened in that film. In my defense, I saw it at the cinema ages ago, and I went in without knowing anything about the franchise at all. The actor who plays Cedric, Scott Mescudi, also looked familiar, only because he is best known as Kid Cudi, whose physical appearance I only know because he was in One Tree Hill (episode Lists, Plans, in season 8). Finally, there is a brief apparition from Josh Salatin, cast as Megan's ex-boyfriend Chris, and I couldn't for the life of me remember where I had seen him. He's Simon Byrnes in The Carrie Diaries, a show I love and have seen at least three times.

I'm abysmal at this game, aren't I?

(Yes, I'm aware I look like I haven't watched a film or a TV show in about a decade.)

The film starts with Megan, lying in Alec's bed after their one-night stand, and she's trying to leave unnoticed, which doesn't go according to plan, because his alarm starts ringing loud enough for the entire continent to hear. Megan finds herself throwing away the note she wrote and jumping back in Alec's bed with her coat on. From this point, the film jumps into a flashback to set the scene, sad little Megan who's newly single and unemployed after college, like it's a completely abnormal thing to be. Her flatmate, Faiza, is the exact opposite of that. Faiza and her boyfriend Cedric invite Megan to go clubbing with them for someone's birthday, with the promise of introducing her to someone they know, because Faiza is ready for Megan to move on, nevermind if Megan is ready herself. See, I know that's just a rom-com plot device, the whole "you're single and I, your friend/relative/housemate, have had enough of you sulking while I am happy in my relationship." I know it is just meant to get the ball rolling. You cannot have a romantic comedy without the romance aspect of it. It's in the damn name! But it always, always annoys me. Let her wallow! Let her be sad! Let her cry while she listens to sad Céline Dion/Taylor Swift/Whitney Houston songs! Don't force her to jump back on the horse if she's not ready? Are you her friend, or what? Because Megan has lost her ID, she cannot get into the club. Now, that's a film where they check ID, even when everyone very clearly looks like they are over the age of 21, to a point I had a hard time believing that these people were fresh out of college. To top it all off, she runs into her ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend while she's having a bit of a meltdown, and then, runs back home and on a dating website. After a very short conversation with a guy whose name she doesn't even know, she asks him if they can hang out because she's about to get "sexiled" by her best friend.

Sexiled? Excuse you? Has anyone in the history of the planet ever used the word sexiled? They briefly video chat so that she can see what Mystery Guy's apartment looks like, and then, she crosses half of New York City to visit him on a whim, which is not dangerous at all and not how horror stories start, and then, we're back to Megan pretending to be asleep in Alec's bed the next morning.

I liked the flashback. I liked the idea of jumping back and forth in time to explain Alec's and Megan's pasts instead of watching them talk in bed while they're eating noodles. But that was only ever used once, so it felt like the film had a good idea but gave up on it halfway through.

Megan and Alec end up arguing about their one-night stand, he calls her a slut and, after she tries to storm out of his flat, she finds herself stuck in the building because of the heavy snow and the blizzard, so he has to invite her back in to wait it out. Cue a lot of awkwardness. These two don't know each other, don't have mutual friends, don't have much in common, they've only had a one-night stand neither of them particularly enjoyed, he called her a slut, and they are forced to stay in the same apartment until the weather calms down, which could take anywhere between a couple of hours to three to five working days. Speaking of apartments, Alec's was seriously cool! It had a huge record collection, an indie vibe, large windows, and a ping pong table. See, I have always pictured living in New York City like living in London, but worse. You'd pay millions for the tiniest shoebox, and your landlord goes ballistic if you do so much as blu-tacking a picture on a wall. I don't buy that everyone in New York has large, airy flats with awesome interior decor and big windows, especially straight out of college.

But in unrealistic indie rom-coms, I didn't mind. I liked the setting.

Megan and Alec exchange some sort of broken conversation, eat snacks, get high, play table tennis, she blocks the toilet with the page of an article she didn't like in a magazine, as you do. Some of it was really, really cute. They built a blanket fort with fairy lights in the living room, listened to vinyl, made paper snowflakes, and Megan danced. That part was seriously adorable. That was when I still had hope.

But some of it was just awkward beyond belief, and the fact that it was so eerily silent and devoid of any sort of music at times didn't help the case. I still don't know what to make of the fact that they needed to use the bathroom and, because Alec didn't have a plunger, they ended up breaking and entering his neighbours' flat, smashing the childrens' bedroom window in the process. Again, as you do. It's as if this film saw the opportunity to build a story that was fluffy, adorable, and fun, with two main characters that had a decent amount of chemistry, and decided to run the other way instead. I know it's meant to be an indie film, a bit of a quirky love story, but, come ON. Breaking into your neighbours' flat to borrow a plunger? Really?

Couldn't Megan throw that stupid article in the bin, just like everyone else, or better yet, not rip a page out of a magazine that doesn't even belong to her?

What to possibly do with the scene where they argue, once again, about their seemingly forgettable one-night stand and decide to give each other sex advice for the next person that comes along? Brought up more naturally, I would have applauded the idea, wholeheartedly. People, especially women, openly talking about things they enjoy or don't during sex, sounds brilliant on paper. In Isn't It Romantic, a parody of all-things rom-com, there is the implication that sex in that specific realm of fiction is only vaguely alluded to as well as something unrealistically magical. It was a brilliant idea to bring in the perspective that sex isn't always satisfactory, and that communication is the best way to solve it. Again, it's one of those times when the concept drew me in, but the execution shut me out. (And the following sex scene, equally awkward and contrived, didn't help the case.)

After the traditional mid-rom-com fight, Megan leaves Alec's flat and treks back home in the snow, where her flatmate and her boyfriend inform her that they liked having the place without her, so, could she move out within the next four days? Come ON! I was given more notice to leave by someone who legitimately kicked me out of her house and made a point in attacking my character because one morning, I didn't have time for small talk, or I would have been late to work. You're telling me that these people are friends, have lived together for several years, as implies the "it's going to be our last New Year's Eve as roommates," and they're giving her four days to move out? In New York City? Around Christmas time?

On one side of New York, Alec breaks up with Daisy, the girlfriend who wanted to break up with him in the first place. That's going to be the Taylor Swift fan side of me aggressively showing up here, but there was an Easter egg in the form of the large poster in the living room, with the word "daisy" on it, right? She was always here, in the background. He then tries to contact Megan, finds out she has deleted her profile on the dating website, and, obviously, the customer service isn't allowed to give out her personal details. On the other side of New York, Megan, newly single, unemployed after college, and now almost homeless, is bored out of her skull on New Year's Eve...until the police turns up, that is. They are specifically looking for her, and she ends up in jail for the breaking and entering of Alec's neighbours' flat. Also, small detail, she ends up here because...Alec framed her.

You read that correctly.

Boy meets girl. Boy sleeps with girl. Boy still has a girlfriend and royally messes it up. Boy can't find girl's details unless he's a cop, according to customer service. So, naturally, boy involves the cops to find girl again.

It's a romantic comedy and, as in any romantic comedy, I expected a happy ending. I imagined that, somehow, they would end up at the same New Year's Eve party, or run into each other somewhere, catch up, and decide to take it from there. I never, not in a million years, thought that because Alec didn't know how to find Megan, he would get her arrested for a crime they both committed, none of them would suffer any kind of consequences for it, and it would even be made to look romantic.

If you couldn't tell already, these people are white.

In what other world can you send the girl you like in jail, bail her out with a balloon that says "Sorry, I'm an asshole" (at least, he was right about that one!) and a bouquet of what looked like daisies to me, the police is absolutely chill with the waste of energy and resources, and the girl laughs about it and falls for it?

I'm out.

Here's to hoping I get to write something positive at the end of the next film.