BARSOOM SERIES FANCAST

Listen, whether you've heard this drum beaten before or you didn't even know this was a thing, you're probably over it. But I"M NOT! I"LL NEBER VEE OVER IT!!!

Okay listen, Disney is very limited despite having possibly every single money spent this side of the Equator and probably half of the other side just to be safe. Disney+ has given real artists like Jon Favreau and team to do amazing things with the Mandalorian. They also let Artemis Fowl and Wrinkle in time happen, which leaves me very confused because the talent behind it normally has me all in. There's a charm to be found sure, but for John Carter, if the ERB estate is to be believed, needs a studio with more... well more. With three main characters, I'm gonna throw a fan-cast in, just because it's fun and I want it to be known how fun it is and I am.

John Carter was from Virginia and was a captain in the Confederate Armed Forces. After the war, his money and officer's commission was useless, so he set out to rebuild his life as a prospector in Arizona.

Now with this knowledge, there might be some hangups some might have with this fan-casting. I understand, but it's not just because I want Donald Glover in more things. It's also not because I'm on a crusade to find more Star Wars analogues for Star Wars Alumni like Poe Dameron being in Dune.

I have a special fondness for Taylor's work in John Carter especially his comedic timing, but when it leans into the square-jawed hero that John Carter is "supposed to be", my eyes glaze over. In order to give a tired trope some more dimension, it requires someone with the charisma and talent needed to highlight the best parts of the story: the fantastic Grown Gambino.

His work as Lando Calrissian is already enough for me, but to the more sceptical, I turn you to his other incredible work: Atlanta, This is America, Atlanta, Spider-man Homecoming, and This is America.

It'll never happen, but maybe the ERB estate is a lot of brave entrepreneurs like our John Carter. I'm picturing a Django energy to this version of John Carter some opportunities to touch on the less-known and more accurate depiction of the wild west. John Carter gets chased by "hostile Arizona natives" into a lonely cave, where he was mysteriously transferred to the dying red planet of Barsoom, a fictionalized version of planet Mars.

Barsoom is home to a myriad of different races of Martian, including the race to which Carter's future wife and iconic sci-fi baddie, Dejah Thoris, belongs.

Dejah Thoris is a Princess of Mars (which her people call Barsoom) who eventually becomes the wife of John Carter. She is a native of the city-state of Helium, the daughter of Jed Mors Kajak, and granddaughter of Jeddak Tardos Mors. As a noblewoman, she is fiercely proud of her heritage and demonstrates great courage.

She is sometimes portrayed as an adventuress and heroine in her own right, when not needing to be rescued by Carter. Like other Red Martians of Helium, she has red skin (I'm picturing MCU Gamora but actually Red instead of Green), black hair and she is usually depicted wearing at least some clothing. Christine Ko is obviously gorgeous enough to wear a garbage bag and make it look good, so the least prudish fans shouldn't worry on that front.

In order to marry the roles of nobility and heroism, there's an element of scientific curiosity introduced in the film that I want zero in on. Christine's work on Tigertail and Dave are enough for me to see this queen is ready for the throne.

Now with these two gorgeous leads what ground-shattering cast do we have for the four-armed monstrosity that is TARS TARKAS!!

Wait WAIT! DON'T GO! Check this out. Tars Tarkas was a fierce warrior of the Thark clan of Green Martians on the world of Barsoom. When he was a young warrior, he developed a romantic relationship with a female of his clan named Gozava, and the two of them had a daughter named Sola. Such attachments were forbidden in Thark society, and unlike most members of his race, he has developed a sense of love and sentimentality.

Already having voice work under his belt with the likes of the Kung Fu Panda franchise as Monkey and his equally charming work in Lego Ninjago. This well-known legend and cinnamon roll would bring the softness combined with the reliable action know-how that is necessary for Tars. William Dafoe is a gem and irreplaceable, but for this character, this is more the direction I'd love.