A Dark Stain on Our Pure White History: Hamilton MAGA Review

Three hours of sacrilege! The only reason to be entertained by Hamilton is if you think brown-staining our sacred patriot ancestors is acceptable behavior. Being entertained by this debacle can only be accounted to the boredom of being stuck at home during the fake news pandemic when it was released on Disney +.

These Patriarchal heroes fought for our country's freedom, and Lin-Manuel Miranda has turned them into Slumdog Millionaire immigrants fighting each other over bipartisan ideals of tyranny versus individual rights. Thanks be to the one and only true blond-haired, blue-eyed God above that our forefather's settled this issue once and for all, so it never came up again during the 250 years of the blessed and peaceful history of these truly UNITED States of the great land always known as America.

But this immigrant from the faraway foreign land of Puerto Rico has turned our deities of deliverance into Black people owning Black people. Disgusting and irreverent. While I agree slavery started this way, I don't think Disney should have allowed such a divisive and confusing message to be streamed to our impressionable white children. They usually have such a good reputation for being much more tolerant. Many of their illustrators were Jews, and Walt himself was a visionary Founding Father of clean and pure entertainment.

This play should have been animated and had more occult themes rather than this confusing message that we true pale-skinned Americans were always here on this land and, therefore, it always belonged to us. Therefore, no foreigners, whether overseas or domestic, should ever tell us what to do.

Instead, these live actors were depicted darker than the Indians who tried to infest our beautiful continent. Thankfully they were left out of the story of the founding if this great nation. They were perfectly assimilated later anyways as was accurately represented by a previous Disney true love story between Pocahontas and John Smith (yes that is a real name and not a make believe filler for a unidentified cadaver).

And to take the beautiful declarations and character of Thomas Jefferson and then turn him into a French-loving pimp is detestable. That man was a one-woman-loving saint who would never dip his pen in any dark ink.

The only thing they got right was that the title character, Alexander Hamilton, was a financial genius. He rightfully discovered that taking on massive debts that could never be paid back to bankers could easily build and maintain a united new republic with absolutely zero negative effects for future generations. Everyone knows that money and crippling debt always lead to happiness.

I appreciate that they perfectly captured how George Washington's god complex and Alexander Hamilton's daddy issues built great character. Also, the way Eliza understood that great men will, at times, have even greater appetites is a model for all wives of great American men. It is clear why both her sisters had a mormon wive's infatuation with her husband. "If you loved me, you would share him" is an anthem for true blooded American women! When a powerful man sees a woman that has clearly never been satisfied it is his American duty to show her the ecstasy of what makes this country great.

However, I did not care for how they glorified "honor" in dueling. This country wasn't liberated from effeminate British mad bullies by wasting bullets in the air. No way! You have to plow down your enemies with brutality and prejudice if you want to show everyone watching just how virtuous you are.

They also glorified George Washington's taking a "time out" to build up his wealth as a lesson that a president should abdicate authority after only two terms. How do you expect to get anything accomplished long term if we are allowing the commoners to run against strong demigods all willy nilly every 4 years, when clearly they are weaker men?

For these reasons, I believe this atrocity was a mockery of our great and otherwise factually handed-down history.

0/10. Negative stars.

Author's note: This was a joke for the challenge below... Please don't hate me 😅. I actually really liked Hamilton and took my daughter to see the play live. Until recently, she actually thought Thomas Jefferson was black and was disappointed to find out otherwise.