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The 10 Food Groups For Gamers

by Blake Anglin 15 days ago in satire · updated 15 days ago

Getting all your gamer nutrients and gamer vitamins is just so essential.

Feast and be merry, gamers.

Gamers are a special breed, the true peak of human perfection. We can’t just live off of the food that most of the world lives on; we have our own needs. For handy reference, and the general health of the gaming community, I put together this handy PSA to make sure you’re getting the gaming nutrients you need.

Breakfast of Champions.

Energy Drinks: Energy drinks are a vital part of any gamers diet. Just as regular people need “coffee” or “calories” to keep them going, we need a shot of taurine to get us going. Their convenient access and quick-working power boost make them an easy way to power through those late night marathons. Please remember not to drink more than 5 (five) energy drinks during the span of an hour. Your heart will explode. Examples: Red Bull, Monster, 5-Hour Energy.

Don't forget the dip, you gotta diversify your snack portfolio.

Chips: A supplementary food group, chips are great for adding variety to any meal! Packed with healthy crispness and deliciousness, chips are great because they are so versatile. They can provide your daily doses of ranch, cheddar, nacho cheese or a thousand other compounds vital to a complete diet. Individual bags are usually cheap, and are a sure-fire way to ensure you have a zesty snack on the go. Examples: Doritos, Pringles, Fritos, Sun Chips.

The money shot.

Pizza: Pizza is a very important food group for gamers. Bursting with actual ingredients such as flour, tomatoes, meats, veggies and cheeses, pizza is a great way to blend in with all the other people who need a less advanced diet than us. Gamers are prone to a rare genetic deficiency known as HFT (hot food taste), and pizza is, of course, one of the best ways to supplement that. It is also deliverable, meaning you won’t have to waste precious energy retrieving your food, which equals more game time. It’s win/win! Example: Pizza Hut, Dominoes, Little Caesars, DiGiornio (If no delivery outlets are available).

Not pictured: Literally hundreds of other options.

Candy Bars: Candy Bars, while not a major source of gamer vitamins, are an easily forgettable supply of awesome. There is zero prep time, the cost is negligible and the mix of chocolate and nuts hits that sweet spot of just enough energy without being too healthy. They are available almost anywhere, and shouldn’t be ignored when putting together your own ideal gamer diet. There is a candy bar for everyone out there, so feel free to experiment to find your ideal bar. Examples: Snickers, Reese’s, Whatchamacallit, Zero

Sodas: Obviously food is important, but, for all the food out there, it is only ½ of our consumption. Soda, that sweet nectar of life, is the other half. Freshsoda reservoirs are available almost everywhere in the United States, and, at the time of this writing, it is estimated that over 80% of households have access to at least Coca-Cola. For maximum gain, it is recommended that you upgrade to Mountain Dew as soon as possible, but any carbonated, high-fructose drink will suffice. Remember, soda makes up 99% of Earth; that is science you simply can’t deny. Examples: Coke, Pepsi, Mtn. Dew, Dr. Pepper, RC Cola (Just kidding. Does that even exist anymore?)

This is too fancy for many of you, sorry.

Meat-In-A-Crust: One of the cornerstones of a good gamer’s diet, meats-in-a-crust (or MIACs) are a tasty and nutritiousless way to round out your meal. They come in all shapes and varieties, can be oven-cooked or micro-waved and usually provide your daily dose of niacin (for some reason). When paired with chips and soda, you have an iconic gamer lunch and/or breakfast and/or dinner. With MIACs, more so than with other groups, it is important NOT to buy generic. Trust me. Examples: Hot Pockets, Pizza Rolls, Chimichangas, Pot Pies.

Ok, the waiting isn't ideal.

Drive-Thru: One of the most important food groups for a gamer, Drive-Thrus give us thousands of different food opportunities at our fingertips, hot and ready to devour with one hand. Almost every food group can in some way be represented in a Drive-Thru, and it is important, yet easy, to stay balanced. Chicken one day, tacos the next, chili-cheese fries on both; the possibilities are exciting and infinite. Examples: Taco Bell, Popeye’s, Arby’s, Sonic.

We all know your fridge does not look like this.

Leftovers: Leftovers are an excellent source of “real food” that can provide at least some of your gamer vitamins, but isn’t readily available to everyone. If you have a significant other and/or adult figure close-by who can whip these up for you that’s great, but it is important to note that leftovers should come from only authorized sources. Second-hand or black market leftovers should never be touched under any circumstances. Examples: Last night’s lasagna, last night’s Mexican chicken, last night’s pot roast.

You can definitely trust these were made with the utmost safety and care.

Gas Station Food: If you need some HFT (see pizza) on the go, gas station food can be a terrific way to satisfy that craving and get some solid biological benefits. Also, don’t forget to factor in the additional food groups (i.e. Energy Drinks, Candy Bars) that can be obtained in said gas station. Remember: As a gamer the deep-fryer is your friend. Anything can be deep-fried, and gas stations are the go-to place to learn that. Examples: Crispitos, Burritos, Chicken Breasts, Those Little Taco Things.

Ugh, makes me sick just looking at it.

Others: If it doesn’t appear on this list, I can’t vouch for its safety or any benefits it may have, but it never hurts to keep an eye out for various foods that can top off your day. All other foods should be kept in extreme moderation for optimal gaming, so please enjoy anything else with the utmost care. Under no circumstances should your whole meal exist from foods from the Other category. Examples: Fruit, Vegetables, Water, Bread

satire

Blake Anglin

"Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong."

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