REVIEW: Tank Mechanic Simulator

I will give it a shot, video game or not.

While you won't find me hanging-gliding (f*** highs) or deep-sea-diving (f*** sharks), there are many video games I will try. It is very foolish to write off whole genres, as I learned from cinema. In this spirit, I started Tank Mechanic Simulator expecting at least a game I could enjoy.

Now, I have never claimed to be a smart man.

Tank Mechanic Simulator may be a misnomer. However, I believe marketing chose to use the less accurate "Tank Cleaner" and "Part Purchaser" because it better reflected how dull and mindless this "game".

As an unnamed protagonist, I played"BLIMBO"?"Your father died from boredom and left you a tank repair shop. You will take over the family business that repairs a range of historic death machines for clients. They communicate with you via email. No matter what task you are attempting to repair or restore, it is as simple as pressing a button at a specific spot and then waiting for a few seconds. Then, you will need to navigate through horrendous menus that were clearly created with a keyboard and mouse in mind. After that, more waiting.

You must wait between each gun-inspiring level of tedious action before you can move onto the next. Although it's only a matter of seconds, it feels like a long time. If you've managed to keep sharp objects from your ears, the reward is a short walk around the most depressing looking wasteland since Burnley in England. You might also be able to salvage old tanks. It doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter gameplay-wise.

Even things that I love for so long, I don't do them anymore. The mug at the right of my office computer was my only refuge. It's reminiscent ofTwin Peaks'Famous Red Room. This mug is the exact same one I have, but it has been used far more than this one. This is my favorite part of the game. It suggests that me and the faceless protagonist would get along reasonably well. I wish I could have been there.Twin Peaks. I betBLIMBOIt does, too.

This title and other genres are not as complex or involved as I thought. We have to ask: Who is this game for? It is not intended for particular fans as it lacks the functionality or gameplay that simulator users love. Because it lacks mainstream appeal, it is not suitable for a wider audience. It's ugly, clunky and far from being what rational people would consider "fun". It works. But at what price?

That's it! We'll come back to the cost. Let's not forget who this bilge is. I think I know the answer.

It's only for me. Tank Mechanic Simulation is a bullet-shaped video game with my name on. At the risk that I sound like the worst main character syndrome I've ever seen, Tank Mechanic Simulator was created, designed and released to find me and cause a crisis. At the time of this writing, I will be thirty-years old. It is preordained that this game would provoke an attack of The Fear in me. I don't know why. I will soon turn 30. This is halfway to 60. I have yet to have children nor a steady career. I won't be able to get on the property ladder and I haven't cleaned up the little pool of water in my fridge. My partner keeps asking me to do this, and I keep saying that I will. But, I don't. Instead, I am holding the A-button and trying to remove the virtual rust from the virtual tank of the virtual person who has the tank.

Tank Mechanic Simulation is like lying awake at 3am, surrounded by the fact that you will die. Your partner's breathing is not comforting, as she will also die one day. It's too much to digest. Thank you Tank Simulator.

Let's finally talk about cost. Tank Mechanic Simulator costs PS16.19 for the Nintendo Switch eShop.

Yes. It's not me.