Life Without Pokémon GO: A Superfan's Story

I'm not wearing a red and white cap and there is no Pikachu by my side! As the rest of the world went mad for Pokémon GO I had to sit here as the kid who missed out. Until now that is...the day is here - Pokémon GO finally makes it to the U.K. App Store and I can join in sharing 'Oddish' experiences of dead bodies, exposed infidelity and late night Poké- strip clubs. All from this little VR app, "But how does it work" (my grandma would say). Poké-spoilers everywhere, I became out the loop, so I guess it is time to fill up that Pokédex!

Maybe not wanting to be a law breaker, I refused to download the various pirated versions floating around, so whilst my other U.K. friends pottered around as their own Ash Ketchums, I patiently waited. The only App Store alternative was something called Go Catch Em' All - a cheap knock-off created by iPhone nerds. Funnily enough I didn't fancy spending £8 to watch Electrorat or Generic Persian Cat #2 fill my phone with malware and swipe through my emails. Luckily the 'official' Pokémon GO doesn't cost a dime, so move over Angry Birds, there is new app on my homescreen.

Unfortunately I don't own a suit, so I won't be one of those spending my lunch break with a convenience sandwich in one hand and a rogue Pidgey in the other. I will be one of those late-night freaks that you bump into at midnight, taking my Mankey for a walk whilst everyone is Snorlaxing at home. It is the middle of the day and I write this article bed-bound and Poké-hyped. Nearly an hour into the game and there is no Tangela down my pants, Exeggcute in my frying pan, or Sandshrew waiting on the toilet when I get home. This is my first foray into the world of Pokémon GO, and to be honest, it didn't go very well!

Let's Pokémon GO

It boots up, and apart from the obvious warning of don't walk into giant Gyrados, everything runs pretty smoothly. We meet Prof. Willow, who is apparently the new Brock; this silver-haired fox is my guide on the journey. I would have preferred a Pikachu, but hey ho! Willow isn't quite like your Prof. Oak, he appears to be wearing sports leggings and a backpack - he is possibly going spelunking or something edgy. I guess if you are going to use VR,you should probably update the character too, but Willow is a bit of a hipster, I'm not sure if I trust him and I'm not convinced his hair is really silver!

I've just lost 1% if my phone battery (be warned) and we enter some sort of Sims-esque avatar mode. Like the laborious start of Fallout 4, can't you see I just want to be Ash and get on with it! There are too many choices, but managing to swerve the temptation to go for bright blue hair, I pick a sports luxe look in bright orange. Hopefully people can see me on my late-night Poké-strolls.

Gotta Catch Em' All

Now you get to choose you starter Pokémon. I had heard you can pick Pikachu, but we all know that the starters are better (sorry, it's true). Being all nautical I pick Squirtle (cue your hatred now). Popping up in front of me, I move around the room and he follows. I thought of somewhere witty to put it, like in a glass of water, or in the fridge. I could only imagine the floods of hipsters hashtagging their funny Pokémon finds on Instagram, so did the normal thing and caught my Squirtle on the toilet (without the need of photographing it).

The Name Game

Down at 11% - then comes the naming! I was one of those kids who had a Gameboy packed full of Pokémon named after friends from school, Simpsons characters, or the name of the family dog. Squinting at the pixelated shapes of your Pokémon on the original games made it a Guess Who? to tell who you were actually carrying, but luckily Pokémon GO fixes this with some pretty solid graphics. I had read an article on the hilarity of autocorrect naming your Pokémon, so meet my shiny new Squirtle..Squirrel. We might be waiting, but I can assure you Apple will probably release a Pokémon accurate autocorrect soon.

Wait though, what about my name! Here we go, cue up the puns...oh, nope, my bad. It appears being a latecomer to the game can also affect your ability to be called what you want. Unless you want to be AshKetchum256123, chances are all your witty puns are gone. 'GottaKetchumAll' was free, but apparently it was too long, so I ended up choosing my Instagram handle, which to be pretty honest, is dull! It looks like someone else gets the fun of being 'AshKetchup', 'Pikaboo' and 'Pikachubacca'.

Hitting The Gym

Now I am on the lookout for PokéStops, I guess they sell stuff, or do stuff - I kind of got lost in Prof. Willow's eyes and wasn't really paying attention. I can see a gym, but Prof. says I don't have enough experience - not sure I enjoy his negative tone here. I also found a PokésStop. I can see it out of the window, but apparently it is too far away. Do I actually have to leave the confines of my room?! I was intending on going to the gym today, so does this count as that?

The Road Is A Long One

Thankfully (sat in my room) I came across a wild Zubat, but spent 10 PokéBalls trying to catch it - was it worth it, probably not. However, having a Zubat in your arsenal called Sinatra was definitely worth moving around the room for. I could go out to the nearest PokéStop, but to be honest, me and Squirrel are quite comfy here in pyjamas. To make matter worse, my Poké-time has K.O'ed my battery - even on battery-saving mode I hear this happens a lot! In the meantime I will brush up on some tips on how to be a better Pokémon trainer.

So, this has been my week! As my Facebook filled with ways to have a happier Pikachu, my head was filled with nostalgic times of cramming a Pokémon Yellow cartridge into the back of a Gameboy and spending the car journey glued to it. As I wait for my phone to charge up, to eventually be drained again, I contemplate rummaging for that old Gameboy and doing it the old fashioned way. I am just kidding, I am being a bit harsh on Pokémon GO, the ability to feel like you are really catching your own Pokémon is something we have always dreamed of. They never said the road to being a Pokémon Master was an easy one, so I better get polishing those balls!