'Fortnite': The Kingpin of Deception
The global phenomenon that transfixed a generation and actually got away with it
So, Fortnite did something most of us never thought possible yesterday. That's right, they actually pulled the plug on the game, and left 250,000,000 players stranded and isolated, with only a scalp to scratch and a bucket to cry into for grievance sake. Well, I mean, I didn't need the bucket. In fact, I bloody hate Fortnite. So, I just sort of laughed when I heard the news.
But, for all the tween kids who managed to max out their parents' credit cards on microtransactions over the course of three years—well, I can only assume their worlds must've collapsed beneath their very pre-pubescent feet when "the event" spelt out the sudden demise of their cartoon aliases.
So, whilst parents were finally able to snap their fingers once more, and regain the attention of millions of rebellious and sun-deprived kids, I imagine the vast majority of us gamers were smirking harshly at Epic Games, as they dissolved smugly into the background. And why? Well, because those thieving bastards probably just pulled off the biggest scam this generation of players has ever seen.
Of course, it isn't the end of Fortnite. It's simply drawing the curtain partially, and preparing to release a whole handful of more play-to-win content. But, for every player who has devoted most of their life to the game, I only imagine them to be heartbroken at the sudden transformation of the iconic world, as the new black void fills its place rather dismally.
Well played, Fortnite. You've managed to grab every gamer's attention with this one. And, shamefully, the media is giving you the credit you probably don't really deserve. Even I, the guy who actually hates the game, is taking time to do a write-up on it. So, I mean, you've done a pretty nifty job with your marketing strategies. Touché.
As for the future of the global phenomenon, well, I can't really set it in stone and make false promises to armies of distraught kids. But, if you were in possession of a $7 billion video game, would you sweep it under the rug and call it a day with the snap of two fingers? Yeah, neither would I.
Still, I think it's kind of nice to have our obnoxious teenage brats back on the streets for a while. I think they probably need the sunlight and the social interaction with another human being, to be honest. Because, let's face it: They'll probably be back buying friggin' rip-off dances on Fortnite again soon, anyway. Dabbing away and calling each other "donkey whores," or whatever the kids do these days; they'll return soon enough, without a shadow of a doubt. And, with that, our streets and parks will return to being vacant, derelict, and tumbleweed-riddled places.
Personally, I've never seen the fascination with the game. But, I can't stand and face quarter of a billion users, and call them all idiots for taking this marketing strategy too close to heart. But, then again—Yeah, I probably could. Because, truthfully, Epic Games has probably done just that to every one of its fans, when forking out cash for pointless upgrades every five minutes of every day since 2017.
No doubt they'll be smothering their grubby hands right about now, whilst prepping for the next big reveal. And, until that moment does finally arrive, I can guarantee millions of kids will be tapping their fingers rapidly, like heroin addicts thirsty for a fix. So, Epic Games, I guess congratulations are in order. You've essentially put 250,000,000 people on heroin. Nice one.
Hang in there, naive children of the world. Fortnite will be back in a jiffy. And you can bet your balls they'll be clawing for even more of your monies than ever before. But, to be honest, heroin might actually be the cheaper alternative. But I'll have to advise against that as well, seeing as my content is often under pretty tight scrutiny from third-party parents. So, just don't do either, okay? That way, we both win.
So, that's it for now, I guess. Fortnite this, Fortnite that, blah, blah, blah. It's all very interesting, of course.
Don't cry, Fortnite squad. You'll have your game back soon. Then, the world can go back to normal and we can focus on more important matters. So, yeah, just keep calm, sleep tight, and don't let the microtransactions bite. Epic Games will be there to tuck you in and steal your pillows before you know it, my friends.