Self-Reports Take Precedence

6% of people self-report they are below average, but they are way above average in self-reporting. The 94% of people self-reporting to be above average are actually below average in self-reporting. The first shall be last and the last, first. Unless, of course, you're EXACTLY average. Then, you'll have to just wait in line with the rest of 'em. Average wait time for this ride is 80 or so years, unless you can somehow get a FastPass, which is by walking into a concentrated ghetto of ethnic homogeneity, chanting anti-ethnic slogans and slurs about said ethnic residents who live in the said ethnically concentrated homogeneity. When asked, 94% of people self-report that they can do this above average, but they only say that because they feel the other 6% live in said ethnically concentrated areas.

Only 12% of researchers say they've never fudged their results; 22% say they have. And 97% admit that they would do it if it proved they were in the 94% of those who are above average. 15% of all women are lesbians, but another 30% say that, while denying it, they still think about them all the time. 4% of women are bed wetters and 9% of these are prostitutes.

57% of those living in trailer parks say they have real class. The other 43% are only between trailers at the time and expect to have class real soon. 87% of people report they find Charmin advertisements effective because of an unreasonable fear of inadequate toilet paper. The other 13% have no problem using a gas station rest room or a Port-o-Potty. 100% of Americans, on average, state they have never been to North Dakota, including 39% of people who are from South Dakota.

92% of Catholic nuns prefer Coke over Pepsi, creating a severe, secret schism that has ravaged all of the orders for over 60 years. They say that Pepsi is NOT O.K. Don't even get 46% of them started.

87% of plumbers expose butt-crack when working; 86% of housewives turn away. According to skin area studies used in burn patients, the "Rule of 8s" says that 8% of you is one leg, whereas 73% of people report that they think 100% of you is asshole. 49% of people see their cups as half-full; another 49% see them as half-empty; the remaining 1% are half-full of themselves, constituting the 94% of people self-reporting they are above average. 29% of people see their wit as half-full, and another 18% see everyone else's wit as dim.

95% of people feel that God is love; 67% of these feel that love is blind; 100% of these know that Ray Charles is blind; 36% think that Ray Charles is God. 47% of people know the difference between shit and Shinola; 53% of people have the shiniest shoes in town, but are plagued by dogs everywhere they go.

72% of alcoholics say, "Bottoms up!" 28% of them say, "Arghwewcrrrhuggh..." 100% of the vaginal lining is stratified squamous epithelium, but only 31% of vaginal linings are satisfied squamous epithelium. 82% of those who watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians have never read a book; 100% of those who have read a book have never seen Keeping Up with the Kardashians. 40% of people think O.J. is innocent and 60% think he is guilty, but 100% of his two victims are dead.

96% of the beautiful people are only beautiful on the outside; the other 4% are losing their remaining scruples more quickly than 2nd Place winners in beauty pageants. 48% of people believe strongly in Climate Change; 45% are Climate-Deniers; but 100% of the Earth will survive long after everyone and everything are extinct. 34% of people who believe in Climate Change believe people can change.

If you add up all of the %'s there are to report, it would be 9,463,965,397,348 x 10 to the 23rd power %. If you divide that by the 94% of those who feel they are above average, each of them think they should get way more than what they deserve from the remaining 6%, who are behind on their student loans. Of all the dollars and cents there are up for grabs, that comes out to 96 per measly cent. This proves there's never going to be enough to go around--less than 100%, and it's dropping fast.