Pretty Sure I'm Correct Here

Wisdom can be hard-earned from life experiences and also gleaned from five minutes of checking social media. Just because one of them leaves you less scarred (and that could be either source, depending on the day), doesn’t mean it’s any less relevant.

Here’s a collection of the profound and the mundane that I have embraced. Can you guess which came from living and which from social skimming?

1. People are expected to become proficient very early in life. Just because I ‘wasn’t born yesterday’ and ‘this isn’t my first rodeo’ doesn’t mean you won’t need to explain setting up a Venmo account just one more time, Skippy. Some of us need more than one day or one rodeo to get up to speed.

2. Squash does not taste like pasta. Almond flour does not make bread that tastes like sourdough. Roasted radishes don’t taste like baked potatoes. A person can live without pasta, sourdough, and potatoes; don’t make it harder to do that by lying to them.

3. A stretched out rubber band in my back pocket should not be a sufficient reason to pull me over for a pat down at the airport. If it indeed a weapon of great destruction you’ll need to explain it to me. I’m not MacGyver.

4. Every person should have their own box of 64 Crayola crayons at least once in their life.

5. I know there are pop-culture references in ‘American Pie’ and ‘Come Together’. Just tell me them once and then forever after let me mumble my way obliviously through the songs because they make me happy.

6. Under, behind, and on top of my refrigerator are totally safe from my meddling. If I can’t move it or see it it doesn’t occur to me to do something with it. Yes, I am aware this is not good. But it’s truth.

7. Whatever happened to fruit cocktail? Does the youngest generation (whoever they are and whatever we call them) believe that fruit cocktail in Jell-O is a dessert?

8. I will never read all of the books I already own. I will continue to purchase and borrow books. Both of these sentences are facts.

9. I can Copy and Paste with Ctrl/Alt/C and Ctrl/Alt/V like a pro. I still hesitate to Cut with the CTRL/Alt/X, which looks like scissors. I mean, where does it GO when it’s cut? I’ll always prefer to Copy/Paste/Go back and delete it in the original place.

10. I know it’s true, but ‘Zero Carbs!’ on a bottle of water is dumb.

11. ‘Sock it to me!’ and ‘Hit me baby, one more time’ are catchphrases that sound like they might mean the same thing, but they don’t, even though neither are about violence.

12. If you ask me for my opinion please be sure you want to really know what I think.

13. Marie Kondo started a movement of paring away unused stuff in your home. Then Minimalism got hot and suddenly everyone wanted to live in an Ikea. Now I’ve found Maximalism and think maybe I’ve found my people.

14. I remember at least two rhymes from my childhood to determine who will be ‘It’, which is a position in a game, not just a Stephen King novel-made-into-movie. I have no idea when I will use them again, but I’m here at the ready should my skills be needed.

15. Putting the cream/creamer in the coffee cup before adding the coffee makes it taste better. No stirring. No messy spoon.

16. There is no ‘unwired’ bra that can do the job of an underwired bra. None.

What are the things about which you are sure? Leave me a comment and let me know!

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(Originally published by the author on the Medium platform. Read more of my writing on Medium here.)