John Wayne vs Joseph Stalin

*Disclaimer, this is partly a work of parody, but is based on the true story of Joseph Stalin's order to have John Wayne killed. No part of this entry is meant as an endorsement of communism or any particular ideology. It just comes across as being one of the most absurd pieces of history I have ever heard. Please enjoy.*

So you are Joseph Stalin—yes right now—and you are thinking to yourself, "Alright so this communism thing da? Fantastic, it is the best thing since sliced breadlines." However, the problem is all the people who don't like it.

That is fine; this is why we have gulags. It is no big deal. Unless those people who didn't like communism were in America.

That is still fine it is still okay. There is no need to panic. We have all heard the seminars of Yuri Bezmenov. America will be red, if not dead, eventually. The campaigns of demoralization and indoctrination are progressing well. The capitalist pigs will know the error of their ways soon enough. The western bourgeoisie shall fall to the might of the proletariat; you have nothing to lose but your chains, das vadanya, etc. etc. Everything is well in the Kremlin da? Da.

So you relax—remember you're still Stalin—and do Stalin things. Like channeling the spirit of Lenin for vitality and censoring anything that isn't nailed down. It is truly the absolute peak of Soviet self-care and you love it. Then your good friend Sergei Gerasimov visits, and he has bad news. He just got back from a peace conference in New York, and he met this real suchka named John Wayne. You see comrade, John Wayne is not only fervent anti-communist, but he is also an actor. That is a very bad combination. Now this would not be an issue if John Wayne was just some random low rate supporting cast member, but apparently, he is one of the most famous people in all of the country. Millions all over the world see his films, and to say that he lays it light on the ol' hammer and sickle is just not factual.

Alright so now your day—Stalin's day so yours as well because you are Stalin—is ruined. Your red blood, which is even redder because you are the greatest of all Soviets, is boiling in your veins. You gather all members of the KGB from whatever now irrelevant task they were doing to make your greatest proclamation yet...

John Wayne, must die.

So now, we have our old friend the Duke, just enjoying life as a big shot movie star. One day the FBI comes over and tells him that apparently, Old Joe wants him strung up by his britches.

The FBI obviously wants to prevent this from happening, but this is John Wayne we're talking about. The Duke doesn't just sit this one out. Who exactly does Joseph Stalin think he is?

Any sane man of course would allow the authorities to take care of such a situation, but John Wayne has the sicko powers of America flowing through him. He decides to hatch a plot with his scriptwriter Jimmy Grant to abduct the assassins, and stage a mock execution at a nearby beach to scare them into joining team America. Now what likely happened is that the KGB agents were so terrified of being sent back to Stalin as failures they just defected, but as you all know John Wayne is a badass, so the former seems more likely.

Now with John Wayne as the self-declared defender of the nation, he shunned the protection of the FBI, and did what any regular American man would do. He didn't tell his wife or children about his problems, and instead moved them into a nicer house. This house was so nice is had a big wall around it, which is ironic considering John Wayne's moniker.

John Wayne the Commie Slayer would then go on to gather a group of loyal stuntmen, who would infiltrate cells of communists all across America. Their goal was to uncover more about the plots against his life, and foil them where possible. This would continue until finally, Nikita Khrushchev canceled the order to slay the Duke.

Khrushchev would personally apologize to John Wayne. He claimed, "That was a decision of Stalin during his last five mad years. When Stalin died, I rescinded that order." We all know what really happened.

John Wayne went up to Nikita, knowing he intended to kill him, but with one look, he disarmed the Soviet leader and then proceeded to spank him like a child. Such is the power sealed within the Duke that he can do all of this in a fraction of a second, causing his enemies great shame, and securing the supremacy of Uncle Sam.

If you think this is the end of John Wayne's adventured foiling communists, think again. During his 1966 visit to the troops in Vietnam, a sniper sent by Mao Tse Tung himself, tried to assassinate the Duke. Unfortunately for the hitman, you cannot kill a badass. After his capture, the fiend confessed to his crimes against America, begging John Wayne for deliverance. What happened to the hitman is lost to the annals of history, though it is likely he starved to death.

This would seemingly be the last attempt at the Duke's life by the communists, and for good reason as well. John Wayne is indefatigable. He lives on in our hearts and minds forever, as the cowboy who stuck it to Joseph Stalin, and all communists everywhere.

Das vadanya, indeed.