FYI 8/18: Today in Ludicrous History

Just FYI, but...on this day in “history”(1), August the 18th, 1920, Tennessee legislator Harry T. Burn--who may be the single most attractive human who has ever served in government service and would surely be played by Austin Butler in the movie(2)--cast the single deciding vote for ratification of the 19th Amendment, granting women the freedom to … [checks notes] … vote in the United States.

In 1920.

A whole-ass Constitutional Amendment and literally one guy in Tennessee (State Motto: At Least We Ain’t Mississippi!) cast the deciding vote, meaning this one wasn’t a landslide, folks! Which makes sense, given that 51% of the country’s voting population in 1920 COULDN’T VOTE ON WHETHER THEY SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO VOTE!

America: Absolutely Crushing the Irony Since 1776.

Apologies. As you know, we here at Today in Ludicrous History don’t usually become emotional about our historical reportage, but this one is a bit of a kick in the old pantaloons and reminds us that, with very few exceptions, the history of this and nearly every other country on Earth is just a miserable bag of bullshit until the Fewest Possible People do literally the Least They Can Do to scrape out an Excruciatingly Incremental Change. Well done, That One Guy in Tennessee! Also: Goddamn you were smoking hot! This guy definitely didn’t have trouble getting the ladies even before he cast the deciding vote, forever guaranteeing him the greatest pickup line in human history(3).

Also on this day in ludicrous 1991 history, Soviet President Mikhail “The Splotch” Gorbachev was placed under house arrest at his VRBO in Crimea for the crime of not being a big enough Communist asshole and refusing to force thousands of Soviet citizens to wait in line for the one roll of Charmin Ultra-Quilted toilet paper left in Moscow. When pressed by his Soviet hardline captors to resign in order to make way for the triumphant return of Vladimir Lenin’s desiccated corpse, Gorbachev simply said no, thus entirely stumping the plotters who, rather embarrassingly for war-hardened ex-KGB thugs, had forgotten to bring weapons to their coup d’etat(4). Even more incredible, not a single plotter came to the coup shirtless with a Hammer and/or Sickle painted on their face while wearing a Daniel Boone fur cap beneath a horned headdress. Complete fucking amateurs.

After an awkward exchange of muttered apologies and uncomfortable eye-contact, Gorbachev’s captors were sent back to their offices to think about what they had done. Curiously, every single one of them would very sadly accidentally brutally saw their own heads off the next morning while shaving(5).

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1. The very notion of “history” is currently being attacked from both sides of the political spectrum and is in severe danger of being canceled outright: Conservatives would like very much if history didn’t include anything negative whatsoever about the entirety of White Male Culture, especially those pesky bits about slavery and keeping women around as voteless, landless breeding stock; Liberals simply want to change the word to “herstory,” because we’re absolutely terrible at fighting these social wars.
2. If moviegoers cared about a film depicting the heart-pounding conclusion to one of the most socially and politically important movements in US history featuring a drop-dead gorgeous young politician and his last-minute decision to ride for Suffrage, which they absolutely do not because it isn’t a movie based on a comic book character created in the 1930s to sell bubblegum ads to children.
3. Jokes like these are the reason women wanted Suffrage in the first place, and we are deeply ashamed of ourselves. Please be aware, however, that in deference to the #MeToo Movement and all it righteously stands for, we have redacted at least four jokes having to do with “polls,” “polling,” and the “ballot box.” You’re welcome.
4. French or possibly Turkish for “vegetable tray,” as recently taught to us all by famous diet-pill enthusiast and long-time Pennsylvania resident Dr. Malibu Oz, a leading authority on both the cost of broccoli florets and their use as a cure for Bubonic Plague.
5. I have stolen this bit entirely from the greatest single episode of British comedic television ever filmed, “Dish and Dishonesty,” the first episode of Blackadder the Third.