Depp vs Heard

DISCLAIMER: Warning do not read any further. By continuing to read this you and anyone you know or may know in the future are consenting to never seek legal or illegal action against myself (the author) or any of my descendants for at least 500 years.

Domestic Violence, similar to domestic violins; loud, often painful to the ears and children are usually the ones who get the blame for it. However, in the case of Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard, no violins were involved.

Now, I'm not going to force you to remain where you are standing or sitting, or possibly laying down, whilst I lecture you about the ins and outs of their complicated court case. Mainly because I haven't been bothered to research it as it's none of my business what goes on in their lives.

I for one don't even like to think about actors being normal people outside of their characters. Like a snake shedding its skin or a snail without a shell, it's not right and it creeps me out. So in order to escape the media bombardment and the torrent of mind numbing, brainwashing filth it spreads; which feeds off of others' misery and is force fed to us daily through our senses like Geese being fattened up for Foie Gras. I decided to take a little trip to 'Movie Town' (in my mind) for some much needed escapism. Whilst there I thought I might have some fun imagining how some of Mr Depp's most iconic movie characters, may have reacted to being victims of domestic violence.

First up we have Edward Scissorhands. A remarkably strange character from the hit 1990 film of the same name. I thought I would start with this one as it was the role which turned Johnny Depp into a household name, and you can't have domestic violence without a home, otherwise it's just street violence.

Although the tone of the movie is anything but violent, one can't help but see Edwards' Wolverine-like claws as a bit of a safety risk. Luckily for Kim, the love interest in the movie, her relationship with the protagonist remains caring and injury free (excluding a slight cut on her hand and a broken heart of course.) For the sake of this literary nonsense though, we must imagine that Kim is intent on doing Edward harm, which I believe could potentially alert his self defence protocols. After all, he is a synthetic man and therefor could have some programming pertaining to self preservation hidden beneath his shy facade. In the words of Mr T. "I pity the Fool", who attempts to abuse someone who has razor sharp scissors for hands, I think it could go very badly for them.

If you have ever watched a decent (18+) medieval or ancient history film depicting merciless barbarism of the blood curdling kind, then you have probably witnessed some poor bastard, tied to a post, having their back rearranged by a bull whip. As the soft flesh is sliced and diced over and over by the relentless lashings of the sadistic torturer, chunks of meat fall to the floor and flaps dangle still quivering from their violent departure; like a hungry baby ripped from its' mothers breast. These are the sort of horrific injuries I believe Edward Scissorhands could inflict upon an abusive partner if threatened to the point of attack.

Now, I don't know Johnny Depp personally but the more I see of his face, during my brief moments of weakness; when I give into the cravings to be normal and watch news clips of the court case, the more I can't help but see Edward Scissorhands sat there, sad, lost and alone, feeling judged by everyone around him. Being famous must be a lot like that sometimes and perhaps Johnny Depp is feeling closer now to his character Edward than at any other time before.

Next up we have one of my favourite movie characters of all time and arguably Johnny's most iconic role to date. The lovable rogue Captain Jack Sparrow is famous for his drunken charm, quick wits and for being impossible to catch and keep hold of, even after several bottles of rum. You might think alcohol abuse and domestic violence go hand in hand, yet Johnny's Captain Jack looks to be more of a danger to himself when he's been drinking than anyone else. In fact, regardless of his pickled liver and his dishevelled, potentially smelly appearance, Jack is quite the ladies man, whose only real crime of abuse is loving too many of them at the same time.

Yes, despite all the swashbuckling sword fights, gunpowder fuelled shoot outs and plunder filled plots, Captain Jack never comes across as blood thirsty or abusive. Unlike your stereo-typical pirate from other works of fiction, with an eye patch and a fondness for rape, Johnny Depp's Jack is friendly and heart-warming to the end. I realised this meant I had to consider the less usual responses a man, whose mind and body has been warped by years at sea, might choose when faced with domestic violence (whilst still maintaining his family friendly Disney credentials of course).

Surely he could just sail away into the horizon to escape his abuser? Well, if an Englishman's home is his Castle then a Pirate's home is definitely his Pirate Ship, and living with an abusive partner on a moving home, often surrounded by miles of treacherous ocean, can make escaping domestic violence difficult, when like the Kraken, it rears its ugly head. Despite there being many hilarious ways a pirate could rid himself of an unwanted shipmate, like keelhauling and cannibalism, I wanted to try and stay true to the spirit of Jack Sparrow and can therefore only imagine one scenario. I believe Jack Sparrow would force himself to walk the plank, yet rather than drowning or being devoured by man-eating sharks, he would land in a lifeboat already festooned with the entire ship's complement of rum and then row to the nearest island for some peace and quiet and lots of drinking.

My final choice is a character which Johnny Depp really put his own unique spin on. Although already made famous by the actor Gene Wilder, Johnny's portrayal of the mysterious chocolate factory owner Willy Wonka, took the character to new levels of weirdness and likeability. I love this film and find Johnny's Mr Wonka to be both intriguing and unnerving at the same time, a difficult balance to strike and certainly a difficult character to write about from the perspective of domestic violence. After all he appears to live alone, preferring his own company and that of his equally strange workforce known as the Umpa Lumpas, rather than engaging in any romantic shenanigans which could potentially turn from sweet to sour and lead to domestic abuse. Yet the chocolate obsessed confectionary tycoon does have a dark side which is never too far away, a scary truth that many of the film's young characters are unfortunate enough to learn for themselves first hand.

There is a theory circulating the internet which suggests that Willy Wonka is in fact a child murdering serial killer who invites obnoxious children to his factory to receive their 'just desserts'. Whilst it's not entirely clear whether his motives are sadistic, it cannot be denied that many of the children suffer horrible accidents during their tour of his factory, to which Wonka displays little concern. So if he is in fact a serial killer hiding in plain sight as an eccentric sweet salesman, then his reaction to domestic violence could be all the more sinister. Firstly, you have to be a genius to create a marvellous chocolate factory like Willy Wonka's, so if he is evil, he's an evil genius. Secondly, if he's an evil genius then he is going to have thought about all of his abusive partners' greatest weaknesses and will seek to exploit them to his advantage. I'm not sure what Amber Heard's favourite chocolate is but I have learned recently that she is fond of the occasional glass of wine, which isn't too far away from wine gums, which of course Willy Wonka could make with his creepy eyes closed. So what I'm saying is, don't mess with Wonka because his inventive genius knows no limits and he may just create a glass of wine to make you whine, or perhaps a bottle of red that will make you dead. If gummies are more your thing, be careful, for these gummies may come with gingivitis. You might get a marshmallow that's impossible to swallow or a mystery morning biscuit, but with a partner like Wonka, would you risk eating it?

Of course these are just the ridiculous ramblings of a writer ready for re-education, so thank you if you have made it this far. I thought I might end it here, but not before sharing a parting observation with you. As previously mentioned I do not follow the Sheeple and their gawking interests, so it has only just become clear to me that despite all my chat about Johnny Depp's characters and films, it is Amber Heard who has in fact starred in one of my favourite movies of all time, Pineapple Express. Playing the mistreated girlfriend of Dale, the protagonist of the film played by Seth Rogan, Amber Heard's character, Angie, quickly finds out that she has been replaced by another lady in his life, Mary Jane. Arguably, it saved Angie's life and spared her from a lifetime of underachievement and disappointment born out of her continued relationship with Dale the unambitious stoner. Yet it could also be argued that Mary Jane saved his life as well. Saving him from failing at sustaining a relationship which, despite some sweet making out, wasn't right for him either. Perhaps a bit like Johnny and Amber, they're better off apart, who knows. One thing is certain though, Mary Jane makes a better life partner than most.