Culturally Appropriate: Steal These Traditions to Improve Your Life

Christmas in Japan: when is appropriation merely appreciation?

The world knows no greater evil than a White girl in a cheongsam-inspired prom dress or a non-Dutch person in Dutch braids (also known as Boxer braids and often worn by people who aren’t pugilists). I, too, have been the victim of cultural appropriation while in Japan during the holiday season, forced to endure “Christmas” sponge cakes smothered with strawberries, fried chicken vendors on every street corner, and what appeared to be the conflation of the good Colonel with Jolly Old Saint Nick. (Japanese people eat KFC to celebrate Christmas — go figure!)

And while I was stoked to find not a single restaurant closed on the 24th of December, it was quite the disconcerting experience to be the only non-romantic pair dining out that night with my friend. Yes, rather than a family holiday, Christmas Eve in Japan is for couples, akin to Valentine’s Day. (Which they also do wrong — can you imagine giving your male boss "obligation" chocolates on Valentine's Day?) Bah humbug! It’s offensive how little the Japanese understand the true spirit of Atheist Christmas, my most cherished day of the year. (Don’t they know it’s about the Pagan tradition of decorating a felled tree? And the exchange of material goods?)

However, cultural appropriation need not be a bad thing, there are traditions we’d simply be remiss if we didn’t nab from other cultures. Here are some customs I put to you, how about giving them some cultural appreciation:

1. Dessert before dinner

“If you don’t eat yer meat, you can’t have any pudding”, spits the psychotic principal in Pink Floyd’s The Wall. Totally unfair. The Japanese joke that they have a betsu bara, a second, separate stomach dedicated to dessert, but the reality is a filling main course often leaves little room for cheesecake. Tragedy!

In South India, people will often have a bite of something sweet before the main meal during festivals, which acts as a palate cleanser rather than a table cleaner (as per the original meaning of the French desservir from which we get the word “dessert”). Next time you’re at a fine dining establishment, do me proud and order the chocolate mousse before your soup and salad. (And then again after the main course.)

2. Unwrapping gifts in privacy

Although it’s the thought that counts and the sentiment which is appreciated rather than the gift itself, it can be hard to school one’s features into enraptured delight immediately after unwrapping a puke-yellow sweater or a copy of “Deadly Equines: The Shocking True Story of Meat-Eating and Murderous Horses”. (Although, I suppose it’s only fair that horses had their revenge.)

The Japanese are big on letting other people save face, which is why they take a tidily wrapped gift reverently with both hands, profusely thank the giver, and then open their present in privacy. This means there’s no pressure on the receiver, or the risk of offense or hurt feelings on the part of the giver. I think this is the way to go, particularly when receiving gifts purchased by distant and doddering relatives or by co-workers who know you only well enough to confidently state you seem to enjoy wearing shoes and consuming oxygen.

3. Short but sweet coffee breaks

Modern day life with it’s to-go coffees is much too hectic; a coffee break referring to the fetching rather than the enjoyment of a latte. In contrast, the Italians imbibe their caffeine at the counter (al banco), with the taste and moment savoured to the fullest. A far more relaxing and indulgent experience than the sad act of sipping a tepid one-thousand calorie frapptrocity all day at the office lest one’s sugar levels dip and one falls into a coma. Speaking of which…

4. Siestas

It must be acknowledge that the brain is incapable of forming complex thoughts at the same time as it’s digesting complex carbohydrates. And yet, the work day bleeds into the post-lunch, catatonic hours when we should be napping instead.

5. Telling parents their progeny is hideous

In Thailand, it’s common to “insult” a newborn as “very, very ugly” (na kilat mak mak) to its parents as praise might attract the attentions of evil spirits. (I guess it’s the same sort of logic as telling an actor to “break a leg” before a performance.) At last, we could all say what we’re really thinking when confronted with a child who looks like a cross between a foot and a Blobfish.

6. Fashionably late to meetings

I had an acquaintance that did some pro bono actuarial work in…er, I can’t remember, so let’s say it was in Tonga. She would regularly marvel at people she was trying to help — and free of charge at that — arriving several hours late to a meeting. Ah, African Time, how I wish the rest of the world would adopt you. Imagine if it were in vogue to arrive fashionably late not just to parties but team meetings too. I mean, I already do, with the poor optics of a takeaway latte in hand, no less. (You don’t understand, Boss, I missed the train and the café was just a hop, skip, and a jump away…)

Parting thoughts

Now, this is a lot of stealing without any giving back. Time to remedy this. In Russia we say “neither fur nor feather” (ni puha, ni pera) instead of “good luck” to which you reply “to hell with it!” (or more literally, to the devil: k chortu!). And let me tell you, that confident devil-may-care dismissal really puts one in a better mindset for, say, tackling an exam than a timid “thank you” ever could.

I also wanted to give you something of Australian culture but then I got distracted by visions of dancing Lamingtons which happens when I think too hard on this aspect of my identity, so perhaps I’ll leave you with an appreciation of irreverent humour as per this article…