Biology, Lesson 101: The *Strange* Animal Kingdom

If you are looking for the answer to if aliens helped build the great pyramids, if DaVinci ever successfully flew or if the chicken came before the egg- this article isn’t for you. You are about to walk down a dark path of completely useless, semi-entertaining, and just plain weird information that you never knew you never knew. How did I come across this? Why was there any interest? It probably began when I watched a documentary about the Galapagos turtle and then it was just all downhill from there. A million questions that just had to be answered and honestly, the internet was just asking for trouble!

In this article, we will be covering some worthless biology (unless you specialize in biology and if you do specialize in the subject, you’re probably not here reading my little blurbs. If you are, make sure you mention me in a footnote someday!)

In most cases, we all know the basics of human anatomy and the reproduction process. Traditionally, two people who love each other very much, get together and... and then the stork comes, right?

In all seriousness, it’s pretty old hat… We know how everything works on the human body, we’ve all suffered through sex ed, but what about the animal kingdom? Stay with me here because most of these fun-not-so-fun facts are hilarious.

Let’s start with my personal favorite…

Tortoises

Have you ever heard the tale of the “Tortoise and the Hare”? Perhaps, that story was loosely inspired by true events, because these turtle-brethren have a libido like rabbits (and possibly worse.) They reach their sexual maturity at 10-20 years old and like most animals, mating season is not a time you probably want to be around them. They are a little violent, but besides the possible dangers of any animal mating- the act is fascinating. The male tortoise’s penis folds out from the cloaca and the female tortoise must be willing because she needs to lift her tail so that he has access to her cloaca. The female’s cloaca is also amazing, because she can hold the sperm in a deposit for up to seven years! Crazy, I know.

From their noises to their ahegao, they are not far from being 50 Shades of Reptile. These guys will mount abandoned toys, masturbate, and even come running to the sounds of their little tortoise pornography. These guys even go as far as needing to be separated when in captivity because they just won’t stop! They will keep trying to mate and I am going to guess their little prehistoric hearts might just come to a halt if that is the case. The most disturbing and yet mesmerizing fact about this whole situation is them getting jiggy to their own baby making music. Imagine, if you will, cows mooing plus lassie howling and you are listening to the sweet romantic sounds of terror. The female’s moan will make a sailor blush or die from laughter whichever comes first, because it is like the THX sound effects theme. The male’s gasps of pleasure? It sounds like a 180-year-old man who just hoofed ten miles, puffs of dust and all.

Aren’t you glad you don’t have one as a roommate?

On another note, the little turtle’s and tortoise’s squeak is kind of adorable and you really cannot help but cheer him on! It seems like so much work for such a tiny little guy, even though most of the time the females do not seem amused.

Ducks

Our slightly aquatic feathered friends. Cute, peaceful, and innocent… or are they? The mating rituals of these birds are interesting and vicious to say the least. Picture yourself at a dock. You’re throwing breadcrumbs to the waters below, watching them clean their feathers and bob into the pool with little webbed feet flapping above their cute little tails and then there’s a commotion! You see the brightly colored boy, trying to win the affections of the boring brown girl- ah, but there is another visitor, haughtily chasing as well. Have you ever actually seen them mate? Maybe, it’s because unlike a dog where it’s pretty obvious that they’re in heat and ready to land on third base- these guys and gals have adapted to make it a pretty bizarre and AWESOME challenge.

These facts are even more unusual when you consider that they form a small percentage of bird species that have penises. From corkscrew penises to booby-trapped vaginas, these birds have evolved to enhance AND prevent reproduction. The duck’s penis is almost eight inches in length, which is about a quarter of the duck’s body size. This is not just for show, these ducks need the length because it needs to be able to reach distances during mating seasons and then it becomes “Battle of the Duck Dicks” because rivals will advance on others’ partners. These penises have basically evolved into grapple hooks so that they can stick longer and inseminate deeper, but not all hope is lost! Female’s have evolved their own protection. They have multiple vaginal chambers long and twisted consisting of detours, wrong turns, and dead ends. Now these tricky tubes do not full-stop the intercourse, but it does stop the unwelcomed sperm. As of 2017, this fortress of a vagina is 98% effective against unwanted pregnancies.

Kangaroos

Our darling marsupials from the great old Outback, but I am not going to be talking about Kangaroo Jack here. These creatures are already fascinating for their obscure features. This includes the capability to jump up to 25ft, the ability to use their tail as a fifth leg and their absolute ability to stomp you to death and most likely drown you (as they like to do that to their enemies.) Kangaroos have a modified cloaca, which they use for urination, defecating and their sexual organs. The Jills have three vaginas and two uteri. The two outermost vaginas are used for impregnation and the third middle vagina is used to give birth. The Jacks have a terrifying, two-pronged pitchfork snake downstairs for inseminating the two vaginas.

The amazement does not stop there, oh no! Jacks and Jills can control their reproduction impeccably. Jills can be continuously pregnant, because of this two at a time baby maker machine. They can also control their babies’ developments with a process call Embryonic Diapause. This means that when weather conditions are severe, the mom kangaroo can put a hold on them being born when there are shortages in food and water. This dormant state can also be used when there is a previous Joey who isn’t quite ready to be out of pouch. Once the joey leaves, she will signal her body to continue producing hormones and the baby will continue to develop like normal. She also produces two different kinds of milk for her babes, one for the baby and one for weaning the Joey! The Jacks also have a way of conserving energy during rough bouts of weather, they freeze producing sperm until conditions are better.

Snakes

Some people love them, some people hate them, but no one can dismiss how interesting these sleek, sneaky spirals are. There are over 3,000 different species of snakes and they all vary in size, color, and adaptations. Some snakes can breathe through their skin underwater, some squeeze and suffocate their prey and some are venomous and can kill an adult in twenty minutes. They have no eyelids, and they smell with their tongue. They are ectothermic, which means they cannot control their own body temperature. Snakes reproduce in three ways viviparous, oviparous, and ovoviviparous.

Viviparous snakes do not lay eggs at all and have a live birth, like mammals. Oviparous snakes form eggs and lay them in a nest, sometimes curling to keep them warm and sometimes, leaving them to fend for themselves. Ovoviviparous snakes form eggs, but do not lay them, so in this situation they form inside the womb, hatch in the womb and then are delivered live. Snakes’ clutches (a batch of baby murder noodles,) vary in size as well, from one egg to one hundred. Usually, the bigger the snake is the bigger the clutch will be. Sometimes, the eggs will be soft and sometimes hard like birds’ eggs. The babies also have a tooth that forms inside to help them break through the shells and match up their heartbeats to communicate so that their hatching is synced. Neat, huh? But we are not stopping there, because how does the fertilization happen?

The female snake when ready to mate puts out a pheromone from glands in her skin and will travel along her way. If there is a suitor nearby, he will come find her and slither on top of her, bopping her on the head and then entering through the cloaca. If there are many suitors, unlike many other animals, there is no fighting or territorialism- it is just whoever successfully wraps around her first. Inside the male’s cloaca is where you’ll find the hemipenis, which is two reproductive organs. This is because the female can store sperm for up to five years and choose whether she will become pregnant after mating. She can also choose to have a clutch from multiple fathers!

Flatworms

These creepy, crawlies are enough to give anyone the heebie-jeebies, literally. Flatworms are usually an extremely invasive parasitic species. Much like other species, they come in all different styles- the most well-known being the tapeworm which will take over your intestines if you are not careful. Thankfully, the tapeworm is NOT going to be the focus in our subject, but the oddly, beautiful flatworm known as Polycladida. The polycladida are not like most Phylum, they are not parasites but free-living aquatic worms that hunt and eat other animals. They are only 16% of the 18,000+ flatworm’s species.

They range in size from 1 centimeter to almost 4 inches and vary in vibrant, tropical coloring that they use to ward off potential predators (as these bright colors make them appear appearance or warn that they are toxic in some cases.) They are known as “liquid death”, due to their ability to squeeze into tiny spaces to reach prey or hide. They are a whopping millimeter in thickness at most! While being small is a great advantage for hiding or hunting, it makes for challenging research on our end- they are extremely fragile. Fortunately, for the flatworm- they are regenerative. If injured, they can grow new limbs, or even if they are cut in half, they can regenerate to form two separate living flatworms.

These worms live mostly in the coral reef. They have no respiratory system or blood circulatory because their flat little bodies allow the dispersion of oxygen and carbon dioxide. Their digestive track is a simple structure with many branches to help spread the nutrients throughout their body, but they do not possess anuses. Anything that is not digestible is regurgitated from the mouth. Their main diet consists of bryozoans, sea squirts, mollusks, and in some cases algae. Flatworms are hermaphroditic, so they have both male and female reproductive organs. When it comes time for them to mate, they have three common ways. The first is asexually, the second is called hypodermic impregnation, and the third is called “Penis Fencing,” which yes is as awesome as it sounds. It’s a battle to inseminate the other, a vicious dance between two flatworms trying to stab the other so that they don’t have to be the responsible woman. In a few cases, BOTH can become pregnant from this ritual.

And last, but not least...

Whales

For our grand finale, I would like to take you down into the deep blue where our majestic giants swim. Cetaceans, dating back 50 million years, are some of our most interesting and mysterious creatures on the Earth. Originally, being a creature known as Pakecitus, it evolved over a span of 15 million years into Dorudon (which is really fast by evolutionary standards,) and then evolved into our whales of today. Whales are made up of two groups, baleen and toothed. Baleen whales (such as the Humpback) have a fringe filter made of keratin that pushes water or mud out of their mouths and traps small fish like krill. Toothed whales (such as the Sperm Whale) obviously use their teeth to eat and hunt fish and other sea critters. The number of blowholes differ between the two groups as well, Baleen have two blowholes while Toothed whales have one. Baleen whales have fourteen known species and Toothed Whales have seventy-six! Dolphins and porpoises also fall under Toothed whales.

Blue Whales, a part of the rorqual baleen family, are the biggest species known to live on the earth. Weighing in at 330,000 pounds and averaging a length of 100 feet long, these creatures manage to stay almost a complete mystery to this day. There are some things that we do know about these cetaceans, though. They do not use echolocation, but they do have “songs” that they use to communicate that can reach hundreds of miles. They live for an average of ninety years, but the oldest recorded Blue was one hundred and ten years of age. Remember the krill we mentioned earlier? Their diet consists of at least 40 million of them a day! Blue whales migrate to warmer waters to mate, but colder waters to find food. Female Blue whales give birth to a calf (23-27 feet long and about 6000 pounds) once every two or three years, after 12 months of pregnancy.

But have you ever asked yourself how? How do whales breed? You really can’t picture 165 tons trying to saddle up, can you? Well, it is closer than I thought it would be, but also weirder. There’s a lot of debate, when it comes to Blue Whales, because as mentioned before, they tend to elude us. Blue Whales reach sexual maturity between five to ten years old, or whenever they reach a certain size. They are dioecious and undergo sexual reproduction with a partner of the different sex. They usually travel alone but tend to form pairs around mating season. They migrate to the equator and then perform their mating ritual.

Before the female blue picks her partner though, it is believed by some scientists that she puts her suitors to a test of physical strength and endurance. The two males will race and must block the advances of one another to prove that they can protect her and keep up with her. Once she has chosen her knight in shining barnacles, they continue their rite. Reaching the warmer waters, they begin to roll around each other, diving deep down below still communicating, the male bellows and serenades his mate in what we believe is a song of courtship. As they come back up and cross the water, he will then penetrate the female with his ten-foot-long-monster-dong releasing 5 gallons of sperm (which is only 10% of what they ejaculate.) This colossal organ remains hidden in a “S” shaped loop inside a slit until erect. Now, if they are anything like other whales, the encounter is brief. It lasts for maybe a minute long and then they continue on with their lives. Now, if they're like Dolphins or Orcas, the male's reproductive organ would become a retractable alien arm when erect, fondling everything in its path to hit its mark, but for now, we don't know.

These majestic maestros will just have to remain a mystery. Unfortunately, on a much more serious note- Blue Whales are STILL endangered. Although there was a ban placed on hunting them in 1986, their numbers have yet to recover, but hopefully we will have more opportunities to study and learn about these beasts' habits in the future and not mourn the loss of another beautiful and bizarre species.

Thank you for taking the time to read this article! If you enjoyed, please drop a like and feel free to share. I hope you learned something new, weird and had a couple of laughs whilst doing so.