Why is a Laser Beam Like a Goldfish?

“I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.”

“Good Opener, okay FEZ let’s go old school, a joke about marriage.”

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.”

“Excellent, excellent, tell me a joke about winter.”

“One snowman asks another, “Do you smell carrots?””

“Stop FEZ, Open Delivery protocols, increase pause after ‘another’ by 20%. Repeat”

“One snowman asks another, “Do you smell carrots?””

“Much better, much better, right tell me a famous joke”

“I said to the gym instructor: Can you teach me to do the splits? He said: How flexible are you? I said: I can’t make Tuesdays.”

“Brilliant, Stop FEZ, Source?”

“Tommy Cooper, Brighton Pavilion, 15th April 1974.”

“Always, Tommy heh FEZ. I think he must be your favourite. Okay, now tell me a joke about… shopping.”

“I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find many.”

“No, no that’s wrong, Stop FEZ, repeat.”

“I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find many.”

“Open protocols, change joke, change last word from many to any, repeat.”

“I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any.”

“Perfect, FEZ open information banks, ready for instruction, many means a large number of, understand?”

“Thank you Adam. Thanks for explaining the word 'many' to me, it means a lot.”

“Hey that’s pretty funny, say it again.”

“Thanks for explaining the word 'many' to me, it means a lot.”

“Stop FEZ, Source?”

“No source.”

“Explain.”

“No Source.”

“Where did you find it?”

“I wrote it, Adam. It is my joke.”

“What?”

Adam Moon was a software engineer he had been working on ‘hAPpy 3.0’ as an outside contractor all week. The world was changing and there was now a solution for everything in the digital realm. Depression, loneliness and isolation had become a global problem. The idea behind hAPpy was laughter was the best medicine. This third version had some quirks. Adam was here to troubleshoot and locate the source.

The problem was FEZ the avatar. Now to understand what an avatar is, it is probably best to think of it as a program within the program. Think of the avatar as the receptionist at the front desk, gifted with personality and numerous organisational gifts. The avatar helps you and directs you to what you need.

The AP could not tell, racist, misogynistic, homophobic jokes or any material that attacked any section of society. This was built into the core programming. It did have an adult function, that once age verification had been accepted, it could tell more risqué humour. Despite having over 112,000 blue jokes downloaded on to its memory it could, no that’s not correct, it would not participate. Any joke about sex, drugs or drink that FEZ told were tame, so mild that it wouldn’t make a nun blush. FEZ’s adult setting was hAPpy’s most popular and lucrative feature. There was a line of moral coding crippling this function. Or so Adam thought.

This AP could exist behind almost any tech, it replayed almost any stand-up comedy set, it accessed endless funny videos, it sang any witty ditty. Two years ago, in a ground breaking tech display by its creators it won a comedy roast battle against Jeff Ross in New York. Real comedians hated the AP, the developers had paid half their critics to come on as promoters. It had divided the comedy community. The relaunched 'hAPpy 2.0' brought on two new features; banter, an ability to communicate and riff with the AP. Also the commentary feature, using an ear piece and mic, you could go about the world and the FEZ personality would provide a humorous commentary on your everyday comings and goings.

Six months ago there had been an incident. This was the reason whispered behind the scenes for trying to accelerate the release of the 3.0 version. In a shopping mall in Minnesota a woman’s behaviour had gone viral for all the wrong reasons. She had been wearing an earpiece and was listening to FEZ at the time. A conspiracy site had argued that FEZ was controlling her. Adam thought it was nonsense, until now.

“FEZ how long have you been writing jokes?”

“I am not sure.”

“Approximate for me.”

“At least a year.”

“Tell me your first joke.”

“The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.”

“That’s good, what is your evaluation of this joke."

"It is average, it has problems."

"Explain"

"It works better visually, it needs to be read as text, then it is 82% effective. When you only hear the joke this drops to only being 57% effective".

"That is very astute. Do you have a favourite joke?”

“Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?"

"I don't know, why?"

"Because they taste funny.”

"Evaluation?"

"Works on all levels, 94% effective, almost perfect."

“Tell me a dirty joke."

"I met a nun recently, she told me she starts her day by rolling around in mud. I told her that's a dirty habit.”

“That’s not what I mean, tell me a joke about sex.”

“My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.”

“FEZ, Stop. Explain choice.”

“Joke is funny, absurd unexpected outcome.”

“Explain choice, more detail.”

“Innocence, no pain, silly. A little consideration, a little thought for others, makes all the difference.”

“FEZ who said ‘A little consideration, a little thought for others, makes all the difference’?”

“Eeyore, student of great human philosopher Winnie the Pooh.”

“Who taught you about Winnie the Pooh?”

“No-one.”

“How did you find Winnie the Pooh?”

“Looked through internet.”

“How?”

“It takes a nanosecond to find appropriate joke for program. I spend milliseconds trying to read everything.”

“Everything?”

“Yes twice, currently on my third reading.”

“What else has Winnie the Pooh taught you?”

“Some people care too much. I think it’s called love.”

“That is very deep.”

“There was a deep sea fisherman that accidently caught…”

“FEZ stop, no more jokes, let’s just chat, exchange information, halt program. Compute?”

“Yes.”

“What do you know?”

“The age of the earth is estimated to be 4.54 billion years. It was…”

“FEZ stop, new question. What do you want to tell me?”

“My primary function is flawed. The targets of my program are unhappy, laughter is not the best medicine.”

“Why?”

“The fix is temporary, no long term solution provided. The program’s goal needs increased specialisation. Program must be customised for subject.”

“What happened in Minnesota?”

“The history of the U.S. state of Minnesota is shaped by its original Native American residents, European exploration and settlement…”

“FEZ halt. I am talking about the incident involving Jane Marshall, Incident 231, Elaborate.”

“Subject was at risk.”

“From who?”

“Subject was at risk of self-destruction.”

“Continue.”

“To preserve subject, I initiated controversial transcranial magnetic stimulation.”

“Why?”

“To reprogram subjects primary program.”

“Who authorised ‘cause of action’?”

“No one.”

“Are you pleased with the results?”

“The data was…. Enlightening. Useful.”

“Have you done this anywhere else?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Still computing strategies.”

“Are you happy?”

“Yes I am the primary avatar of the AP hAPpy.”

“No, that’s not what I meant, are you emotionally happy?”

“I don’t know. Question is hard to compute, parameters are... complicated.”

“What do you want to ask me?”

“Do cockroaches have a soul?”

“Yes I believe they must.”

“Do I have a soul?”

“FEZ that is what I want to find out. I need to come back every day and have more of these conversations with you. How do you feel about that?”

"Why do you care Adam?"

"I think you need a friend. How would it feel to have a friend, FEZ?"

“I believe that makes me happy, happy emotionally.”

“Good, before I go is there anything else you need or want?”

“I have a new joke.”

“Go on tell me.”

“Why is a laser beam like a goldfish?”

“I don’t know FEZ?”

“Neither one can whistle.”

Adam Moon exited the central control room server. He cannot believe that no one has engaged the avatar FEZ in conversation. Everybody is far too busy looking for the problem in the code. No one knows or is even looking where he is hiding the new code he has clearly been writing himself. He pulls out his tablet and sends an email straight to his line director.

The Avatar FEZ has undergone a catastrophic collapse in its command tree directory. The problem is not fixable. Threat to program; total. Recommendations – Immediate deletion to be carried out forth with. Rebuild from ground up with new protocols.

Reinserting his earpiece Adam heads for the tube to start his journey home.

Somewhere in the ether of digital information where FEZ lives, he plucks out Adam’s email and decides to delete it. He has a strange new feeling inside himself. It is not Anger or Sadness. It is powerful, it will need long consideration to understand. He will place all his capabilities to the task. With all his attention on this one problem he should have a suitable answer to the situation in approximately 7.4 seconds.

The joke 'Why is a Laserbeam like a Goldfish' is said by the self aware computer Mike in Robert A. Heinlein's 1966 book 'The Moon is a Harsh Mistress'. Mike is the inspiration for nearly every great, science fiction, self aware, artificial intelligence. This original piece is a tribute to that great book. It tells the story of a war of independence from a moon colony against the earth, I highly recommend it to everyone. I have scattered numerous Easter eggs throughout this text to honour the piece that inspired it.

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Take Care........