Why I'm Giving The Kids NFTs For Christmas

It's Christmas Day and I'm self-isolating because I've contracted coronavirus. I've had to skip the day with my family. Instead, I've been staring at a screen, moving little images and pieces of text around Cavna. Why? Well, I haven't been able to do the usual last-minute panic buy for the kids as I've been busy washing my hands like Lady Macbeth. Since we're in a climate crisis, I stopped giving coal some years ago. I feel it sets a bad example. And I think Jeff Bezos, or whoever owns Amazon now, has earned quite enough this year (if you're reading this, thank you for sending the massager so quickly and discreetly... you angel!). So in this modern age, I've been making NFTs (non-fungible tokens). The real gems in this articles are in the pictures (PHEW!). Just read the pictures... You'll be fine!

Although I've no kids of my own, between my brother and my sister, I have seven nieces and nephews and a great-niece and nephew to boot. Yep, at 32. I'm a great uncle, twice over. And it's grand. All the fun and very little stress. Except when they go missing in my care. Which is terrifying. Or when I take them ice-skating... Imagine trying to wrangle five excited people under 3ft, who insist on going in every direction, whilst on ice. Yes, they are constantly falling (despite their penguin stabilisers). Now, envisage hundreds of others circling them with knives tied to their feet as Christmas music plays in the background. Sickening, isn't it? Such tiny fingers. It's not always so fun being the fun uncle.

Since they've all managed to survive a variety of these activities, I've got 7 kids to get stuff for (the 18+ ones don't count now, right?). Because I'm in solitary confinement and this has facilitated the loss of my marbles, I've decided to give something a little different this year. I'm going to make them NFTs, bro! I'll mint them on the NFT sales platform OpenSea. Naturally, they're all going to be millionaires by the new year. This is a very strange move for me. After ignoring my brother repeatedly, though he's been saying I should look into cryptocurrencies, I've finally decided to do it. But it's not about the money. It's a lesson for the kids, I swear!

I'm not a crypto guy. The only thing I can think of that's more soul-destroying than staring at charts is staring at charts on a screen. Yuck. Besides, we writers tend to shy away from anything that might have us come into unseemly wealth. We can't know for sure, but it would probably make us worser artists and writers than we already be. Our breed delight in modest pursuits. Among these are: trading our talents for exposure, working on our craft for very little return and playing the delightfully life-affirming game of, 'How Long Can I Keep These Socks Until They Become Anklets?'. I've tried to instil these values into my siblings' children. One way I've done this is by doing a terrible job of marketing my book, Ten Drinks that Changed the World. It even got reviewed by Difford's Guide, but if you're not a bartender, you may have missed it. It would have made a lovely Christmas gift. My apologies to all of you for the late notice. But I'm assured by my publisher that the book does keep working throughout the rest of the year. Projections have it that the book won't go off until about 2027. Plenty of time to get a signed copy before the next plague hits then!

But why the NFTs? Get to the fucking point man! Well, although they may be morally bankrupt and helping to exacerbate the climate crisis we spoke about earlier, NFTs represent something else, too. They offer exploration of expression. I've been writing for about 16 years in some way, shape or form. NFTs offer a new way to play around with the medium (read procrastinate). I'm no maverick. Others have had this bright idea before me. There is already a literary Metaverse hub, which I'm currently in the process of getting barred from by writing this weird Christmas isolation article. Is that it? No! Keep reading...

I think NFTs are a pretty poor investment opportunity for most people (at the moment). Also, it doesn't sound like they're the best way to make or sell art. Like the traditional art world, it sounds like very few people are making lots of money. And I suspect many have lost money through NFTs. I also don't think they look that great (except that Nyan Cat one. Quite good that cat one. Wouldn't buy it, but who doesn't like a rainbow out of the sphincter?). It is a medium, and as artists we should be exploring it if we can. We're meant to be risk takers after all. As Mark Rothko said (who I hadn't heard of until I'd Presearch'd* the sentiment I was trying to communicate), “Art is an adventure into an unknown world, which can be explored only by those willing to take risks.” However...

I don't find my collection sooooo aesthetically pleasing, even though I’m quite proud of them. I do like the rain and the thunderbolt on 'Teleportation'! I did try really hard. But I'm not a designer. I'd have asked a designer to make them, however, on Christmas eve? I'm not made of money, yet. Still, as a way of communicating an idea, I think it's fantastic. And if novels and poetry are worth the paper they're printed on (I think they are, but morality is hard these days isn’t it!) then let's give it a go. Let collectors pay the big bucks and let everyone read works for free.

As a way of broadening our perspective of the expanding limits of the world and as an introduction to what might be just around the corner, NFTs are a fascinating learning tool. Just find a way not to pay the gas! They have been a way for me to engage with cryptocurrencies and coding through the lens of creativity. It has been a vehicle to stimulate interest in an area that I was disinterested in before. And that has to be a good lesson and hopefully a good gift. The gift of curiosity. Dawww, I almost got that warm fuzzy Christmas feeling... Maybe now's the time to open the champagne?

If the kids do become millionaires by the new year, I'll be quite pleased with myself. I'd say we'd all go on a family holiday but some of the family aren't vaccinated (I'm glad I've avoided that minefield today!). I'm almost certain we won’t earn anything off these minty NFT things. And I'd strongly advise you not to invest in my NFT collection because you'll probably lose your money. But if you'd like to have a go at making them yourself, you can find some more information here... But I’d spend some time assessing the pros and cons first.

The only reason you should buy one of my NFT’s is that you like my booze haikus and you want to own a digital version (which you could view for free by using your eyes in this article). Oh yeah, I forgot to say, the NFTs I'm "giving" the kids are all alcohol-related. I wrote seven haikus on drinking in the first lockdown. They were good! I was selling them on Etsy for a bit. I think they're still there. It's been a while. I mean, it's not like they're NFTs or anything.

What the kids will get is a percentage of the profits (10% each). Sure, it's not an Oculus or a Pokemon, but as a family, we've been slow on the uptake to investment. Hence my reckless introduction to cryptocurrencies. I'm basically the one at the front of the glass floor conga line in Squid Game (the show, not the currency. It's baffling, I know.). All my siblings offspring have to do for this 10% is let me have a go on their PS5. To me, right now, a PS5 might as well be a house. I'm never going to own a house. Or a PS5. So having a bez on their new Oculus thingy before the Metaverse (the virtual place, not another decentralised currency!!!) spits me back into the analogue realm, where the forces of Capitalism will continue to have their way with me, would be worth 70% of the profit. If you're an accountant, take this opportunity to DM me and scalp another 20% because I'm clueless. Capital gains? Can you imagine what it's like to gain something? Imagine! By the way kids, that 70% of profit is after tax. Thanks. P.S. I chose 10% because I'm shite at maths. If the benevolent accountant suggests otherwise rates may fluctuate. I love you and I'm always here if you need me. Unless I'm in Aruba.

So, the point of this article, then, is freedom of expression and curiosity in how things tick. Which I probably could have summed up in a paragraph. But, I thought perhaps you'd like the little break away from your loved ones to be slightly more elongated than that. If you're not quite ready to go back and eat limp parsnips whilst trying to keep your eyes open watching telly, here's a video of a man trying not to vomit whilst eating Surströrmming with his sons. Nothing like a bit of family fun to get you in the Christmas spirit! I might order a tin for next year to celebrate our ascent into tax havens. Forget champagne, listen to the hiss on that!

However you're spending your Christmas this year, I hope you're surrounded with love. Whether distanced and expressed by proxy of investment opportunities; in the traditional wrappings of warmth, passive-aggression and gathering of kin; or by expelling your guts whilst bonding over fermented herring; have a cracker! Stay safe, eat well and remember – a novelist is basically a politician who lies better, earns less and drinks more. My first novel will be out at some point this century. This last line is, as I'm sure you've gathered, posturing. Some novelists are very bad liars. Myself included. 'Til the next book is out, here's some Christmas cheer. X

*full disclosure, I earn free crypto currency every time I search with Presearch.org but this is not sponsored. You can do it too. Piss easy.

*The designs are a mock up. They may well change by the time I put them on OpenSea... Gotta make sure your boat floats.