The Pale Gray Dot

“It’s late Ellison.”

A voice said, breaking the silence so suddenly it startled the old library. Its joints creaked and moaned as they jolted awake.

“Sorry Alicia, I’ll leave soon,” was the response of the seventeen year old boy whose face was buried in a book about the 1977 Voyager Missions.

“Stay as long as you want. I’ll be shelving all night anyway,” Alicia said as she transferred several books from the shelf to a cart.

“Where are those going?” he asked with a pointed finger.

“To the back corner. We have a new genre going here.”

“Isn’t history an important section?” he asked as volumes on the Roman Empire were exchanged by thin books with blank spines.

“It is, but nowadays people prefer to resent the past rather than learn from it. It can be easier to accept the way the world is now than to be reminded of what it used to be,” her eyes dwelled a moment, as she recalled her own memories. “Besides, these books have collected dust long enough, I don’t think they’ll mind a change.”

Ellison knew that longing look in her eye, he saw it every day. The look of hopelessness emitting from swollen eyes, made bloodshot by tears or exhaustion. It was a universally recognized expression; one that made conversation futile and done only when necessary.

“What’s taking its place then?” Ellison asked.

“Journals.”

“Just plain old journals? I thought we weren’t allowed to take anything home,” he said, trying his best not to sound underwhelmed.

One of the many changes the world's ending brought about was library policies that ejected anyone who attempted to take books home, in order to ensure the preservation of knowledge they held within.

“They’re not for writing in, they’ve already been filled, see?” Alicia lifted a journal with leather binding and showed Ellison the ugly handwriting spanning from cover to cover. “It was just an idea I had,” she said with a shrug, “I put an ad online asking if anyone would be willing to donate their journals to us and we got submissions from all over.”

“But what for?”

She grabbed a handful of journals and took a seat across from Ellison, “A big part is for your generation, so you can read what everyday life used to be like from an everyday person’s perspective. Perhaps even relate and learn from the hopes and hardships of a stranger. That’s my hope at least.”

Pushing his book aside Ellison walked around the table to browse the remaining journals on the cart, but one in particular grabbed his attention immediately. Lying alone on the bottom row was a little black book. At first glance he thought the cover was completely blank but as he lifted it he felt an indent in the bottom corner.

“For Mission Specialist Lawson.” were the words inscribed in its dark leather. He carried it back to his seat and began reading.

March 28th 2064

This is it. After five years of preparation and a lifetime of waiting it’s my turn to float among the stars. Tomorrow, the place I’ve gazed at in awe of won’t be so far away. Tomorrow, all I’ve worked for will pay off. Yet I’ve never been more terrified. The fear is nearly debilitating. There’s so much that could go wrong yet I’m choosing to bet my life on the chance that nothing will. Still, no matter my fears, not taking the risk scares me more, for a physical death is far better than the soul’s. If I reject what I feel like I’ve been destined to do I’ll spend the rest of my life shaped by regret. Studying the night sky would fill me with remorse rather than wonder for the rest of my days. So I won’t allow my fears to hinder me, today I choose to be liberated of them just as I choose to soon be free of the clutches of gravity. So wholeheartedly, I wait in earnest for tomorrow, when the day’s beginning and end is no longer dictated by the Sun’s command.

~Lawson

The awestruck expression on Ellison’s face was as apparent as the moon on a clear night as he finished the first entry. He lifted his eyes to find Alicia’s on him.

“How is it?” she asked.

“It’s hard to convince myself I’m not reading a piece of fiction from my own imagination,” he said with a thoughtful look in his eye, “You know… I’ve never actually seen the stars before.”

His gaze fell to the floor as Alicia cast a shade of pity over him. Her aching heart took control of her facial expression, making it impossible to hide the sorrow she felt.

“Take the book Ellison.”

He looked at Alicia in shock.

“I couldn’t, I don’t want to rob anyone from reading this.”

“Something tells me it was meant for you,” Alicia said with a smile so sincere it laid all Ellison’s objections to rest.

“Thank you. I promise I’ll take good care of it,” he held the book close to his chest.

The two said their goodbyes and Ellison left Alicia to admire the silence of the place that was teeming with things to say.

A sigh left his lips as he looked out the glass doors. The lampposts had a dull aura to them, the kind that only foul air could produce. He wrapped a gas mask around his head and shoved the book into his jacket.

As he walked down the street to his apartment Ellison’s mind wandered. All his life he’d known nothing but gray skies and perpetual gloom. His parents both died when he was young, one after the other, making him the sole survivor of his kin. The word orphan had lost its weight after so many years beneath a sunless sky. Like the many diseases that now plagued the world, the word ‘orphan’ ran rampant, until there wasn’t a child left unaffected by loss.

Ellison stood before his apartment. It was a pathetic building, its bricks and windows were stained with grime, its stairs littered with trash. He unlocked the door and walked through the lobby to his door, ripping off his mask like a leech.

As Ellison stepped into his small home he thought about what Alicia said, “Nowadays people prefer to resent the past rather than learn from it.”

He couldn’t help but group himself with those her statement addressed. He did resent the past. The thoughtless generations before him were the reason the planet was derelict.

After years of polluting the earth they lived on it unleashed its wrath onto them tenfold. Half the world flooded while the other forgot the existence of rain, allowing wildfires to devour the continents like termites. Monstrous plumes of smoke filled the sky, suffocating entire nations and concealing the planet in ash. Famine followed as biological matter withered away. Pandemic after god-awful pandemic ravaged the globe, cutting the population to a third and leaving those who survived wishing they hadn’t.

Ellison collapsed onto his bed and stared at the white plaster of his ceiling, imagining the swirling galaxies were in its place. He snuck a hand under his mattress and pulled out a bulging envelope with the words “Space Fund” written on it.

Space travel had boomed in the years before everything collapsed. Not only for exploration, but also for tourism; both satellites and Hilton Hotels orbited the earth. Outer Space became the most popular destination and most luxurious escape from the poison air.

Although the price of space travel substantially dropped in the last twenty years, he knew the money he had wasn’t even a fraction of what was needed to go. With a massive sigh he pushed the envelope away and began to read Lawson’s journal.

Hours went by as he read. He studied every word, even the mathematics written in the sidenotes. The life of Mission Specialist Lawson fascinated him beyond compare. The entries were so elaborate; replete with the most minute details that indicated how desperate they were to immunize themselves from the curse of forgetting.

As their mission was coming to an end Ellison could sense the disappointment in the astronaut’s writing. Their taste for the infinite blackness that hoarded the night sky was stronger than ever and nothing on earth made them want to leave it.

After twenty-six weeks in orbit Lawson came home. The writings that followed their return were brief and infrequent.

Up until the final entries Ellison couldn’t pry his eyes away from the book, but as both he and the astronaut’s interest began to dwindle he could feel his eyes grow heavy. Ellison’s head began to fall and with the final pages as a pillow he fell asleep.

When Ellison awoke he assumed it was morning due to the slightly brighter glow of the hazy sky.

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes he noticed the book had fallen facedown on the floor. As he picked it up a paper fluttered out, he reached down to examine it.

BOARDING TIME OF USS EXEO: 7AM MARCH 12TH 2085

PLEASE REPORT TO DEPARTURE CHECKPOINT ONE DAY IN ADVANCE. SHUTTLE WON’T WAIT. DOCUMENT VALID FOR ONE PASSENGER ONLY. ENTRY WON’T BE PERMITTED WITHOUT PROOF OF ID. ELIGIBILITY IS FORFEIT IF BOARDING FEE OF 20,000 CREDITS IS NOT PAID IN FULL BY DEPARTURE DATE.

Ellison sat in disbelief for a moment, rereading the ticket over and over. The document didn’t disclose the location of the checkpoint and March 12th was days away. Without thinking twice he ran to the library, book and ticket in hand.

“ALICIA! ALICIA!” Ellison yelled as he ran through the library to her.

“Yes?” she said with a raised brow.

Ellison shoved the paper into her hands and let her eyes do the rest.

“I’m relieved you finished it as fast as I thought you would.” Alicia said with a smile as she handed the ticket back to him.

“You mean you knew this was there?”

Alicia nodded.

“And you just left it for anyone to find?”

“I knew you’d be the one to do it.”

“Take it Alicia. You deserve to leave this place and when you come back you can tell me all about it. I can’t pay the fee anyway. Take it.”

“If I wanted it don’t you think I would have first? The USS EXEO isn’t a return mission. It’s a relocation. I’ve lived a good life Ellison, you deserve to too.”

He shook his head rapidly, “B-but I don’t have 20,000 credits and I don’t even know where it is.”

“The checkpoint is an hour away, I’ll take you there. Now check the folder in the back of the book.”

So many questions flooded Ellison’s head and pestered him like wasps, but he obeyed. Reaching in the folder he pulled out a check and nearly gagged when he saw the amount was written for 20,000. Signed by none other than Mission Specialist Lawson.

After nearly an hour of debate it was decided that Ellison would be the one to take Lawson’s seat aboard the USS EXEO.

He spent the following days in a daze of bewilderment, anxiety, and uncontainable excitement. How could it be that he found himself in the same predicament as an astronaut from twenty years ago? Somehow fate had bound the two together.

The day of departure came. Ellison stood in his room aboard the USS EXEO with what few possessions he had, but none more valuable than the little black book he carried. His room was small, barely big enough for the bed, but he was grateful for the small window that’d allow him to watch the world fade from view.

“Attention passengers, we will be taking off in one minute. Please fasten your seatbelts and ensure all items are stowed.”

Chills more intense than anything Ellison had ever felt infected his body as the announcement rang overhead. He took his seat beside the window and tightened the belt. It hugged his legs tightly, reminding him of the letter in his pocket that Alicia had given him. After a tearful goodbye she made him promise not to open it until he was onboard.

As the countdown began Ellison started reading.

Ellison,

From the day I met you I knew you were an intuitive soul with a natural curiosity. I could see in your eyes the fire for discovery and the hunger for knowledge; qualities that the world extinguished in myself long ago. For so long I felt remarkably lost, aimlessly wandering through a life I didn’t recognize anymore. I began to envy my nightmares, because even they were better than the reality we’ve found ourselves in. You awoke me from my reverie by helping me recognize that the desire for life we’re born with doesn’t have to disappear. Even in times of unbelievable sorrow, when endless bargaining with a higher power to free us from this torment is all we know; that childlike innocence that begs to ask questions never leaves us. You reminded me that no matter our circumstance, we cannot let it rob us of our inherent interest in the world around us. To fall into a state of routine, where we simply inhabit our bodies from day to day rather than embrace life is to forgo the very thing that makes us human. It’s a sense of wonder that keeps us alive rather than simply existing. You never let this world take your wonder, and I hope you’ll never surrender it to whatever world you go to next. I’ll miss your company more than you know. This goodbye has taken a greater toll on me than I anticipated, but there is no other reason I would rather part from you than this. I hope the stars turn out to be everything you thought they would be. Take care of yourself Ellison. Live a life you can be proud of. I will never forget you. This is my final entry.

~Mission Specialist Alicia Lawson

The rumbling of the USS EXEO shook the drops of water from Ellison’s chin, only once they splattered on the page did he notice his drenched eyes and ascending body. Through his blurry vision he watched the rivers and roads become smaller and smaller. As the land was repelled from beneath him, he wondered what it had looked like before.

Darkness stole the scene from view as the ship assimilated with the atmosphere of ash. Ellison had always been under it, yearning to see what was above. Now he was breaking through it, longing to see the world that was trapped inside.

Nothing could have prepared Ellison for the moment when the gray cloud he’d always known metamorphosed into a new form of darkness, one that was not bleak or lusterless, but vast and wondrous.

As the ship broke free of the earth’s grasp a blinding light spilled over the gray planet’s edge. The luminosity stung Ellison’s eyes in a way he had never felt before, forcing his eyelids to seal shut. When he mustered the strength to open them again he saw in full clarity the ball of light that up until now had been nothing but a blur. Ellison winced, but knew that the tears that came were not from the stinging radiance, but from the sun’s rays that were unobstructed for the first time and free to embrace him warmly. It imbued him with a joy he’d never known that diffused throughout his entire body. A contentedness that enveloped him more wholly than an ash cloud ever could.

Within the rivers of tears that stained his cheeks specs of starlight began to dance.