The Alien's

The Alien's

First church experience

Legendary rock and roll star Kurt Cobain once remarked, “The outside world is pretty foreign to me.” I feel the same. Just to be clear I am by no means a fan of the heavy metal music genre. I much prefer the mellowness and steady tempo of rhythm and blues. However, for some reason I have always been drawn to Kurt Cobain's energy. After reading his biography last week I finally innerstand why I found him so intriguing. From the time I was born I have felt like a fish out of water. I compare my birth to being yanked from the warmth and familiarity of my mother's womb then abruptly tossed onto the cold, hard pavement called Life. From there I have been on my own trying to innerstand myself and innerstand the innerworkings of the world at the same time.

Much like a fish reeled in and gasping for air I have spent most of my life flipping about trying to find spaces where I can breathe. Constantly searching for places where I belong. Maybe the circuits in my brain are wired differently than others around me because as an African/Native American woman when I stepped foot in a Baptist church for the first time a shock of confusion and disbelief overwhelmed me.

Thirty three years ago I sat among hundreds of people, some running up & down the aisles, arms waving in the air. Some even spoke a different language. Years later I learned this is called "speaking in tongues." Crying out to their savior desperate to make a spiritual connection. I felt terrified. Meanwhile, I looked around and absorbed my surroundings. I learned later on in life Empaths tend to do this. I could not have been more than five years old at the time. Sitting there felt like I was having an outer body experience. Kurt Cobain mentioned he felt like “an alien, sent to Earth to study the natives.” At a young age I realized I was an alien. I had the same feeling sitting in that church. I'm not sure what was more uncomfortable the tight stockings I was forced to wear under my cotton lace dress or the hard wood pew I sat on. To make matters worse the wood pressed against my tail bone. To further add to my discomfort the loud music and banging drums made my temples throb. Sensory overload. I searched for the nearest exit. There were people wearing all white standing at each exit door. Bolting out the door wasn't an option. In my young mind they appeared to be guards. At the time I didn't realize they were ushers. I wanted to make up an excuse to leave but I couldn't think of one. My grandmother had already forced me to use the restroom before service started so we wouldn't have a reason to leave. I felt trapped. To further add to my misery the music steadily got louder. Then the preacher begin to shout. By the end of the service I was mentally drained and shell shocked.

I felt like an intruder. I didn't intentionally invade their world. I was forced into their world and expected to adapt simply because I look like them. However, I am not like them. Sitting in the middle of other people's spiritual experience felt alien to me. I look up at their god who was framed prominently at the head of the pulpit. Their god appears to be white, with blue eyes & blonde hair. I survey the congregation and notice none of the members look like the god they worship. Everyone wore fancy clothes. My grandmother wore a sparking white hat with a shimmering feather attached on the side. The ushers wore white heels that glittered. They looked stunning. I wondered why they didn't honor and worship a god in their image or a god that looks like them. Don't they like themselves? At any rate, I ran out of options on how I could escape and having no concept of time I sat back and quietly played with a paper fan that was tucked inside of the pew in front of me. I eagerly waited for service to conclude.

At the age of 38 I still feel the same as I did when I was five when it comes to attending church. I feel like an alien sitting there. What is interesting is I didn't ask questions when I was five. At least not out loud. Everyone seemed happy and at peace with their god and looking forward to a place called Heaven. There is this unspoken respect and reverence we are expected to have for religion. No matter how oppressive the religion is at times.

Having said this I still feel like a visitor on Earth. I would go so far as calling myself an alien. Why? Because, like Kurt Cobain, I too, feel like I was sent to Earth to simply study the natives, therefore, I do not have to understand what others do or even fit in on Earth. This isn't my home. I'm just passing through...

Works Cited

KURT COBAIN. (2021). A Life from Beginning to End. Hourly History.