The Alien

Chapter 1

There was once a place where all knowledge was contained, absolutely everything about everything was known. This place was called The Great Hall of All Knowledge, in this Hall there were many beings who shared all of the knowledge collectively, I was once one of these beings. We would continuously recite all that we knew so that we all had access to the knowledge and nothing would be forgotten. It was our only task, to remember and maintain, giving importance to the portion we were currently reciting. We knew about the mysteries of time, we knew about the significance of existence, we knew all that there was to be known and there was no more. There were no such thing as ideas, there was nothing new, there was no more. Even the concept of more was somehow forgotten as it had been such a long time that all was known none of the beings of the Hall remembered it. So it was when I had the Idea of More that my problems began. The Idea came to me that there could be more and as it was well known to us at the Hall of All Knowledge that thought, Ideas or knowledge were substance, the cause proved to be one of contamination. There could be no more, this was well known to all and I had somehow become contaminated with the idea of more.

Rather than risk such a well established society it was decided that I be cast out into the nothing with my idea of more. The thought of being cast out was not one that was to my liking but I understood the gravity of the situation and had also developed feelings for my newly found Idea, I wished to explore it even if it meant being cast out into the nothing.

And such it was I was cast out into the nothing with A Great Big Bang.

Chapter 2

I was born in the multicultural city of Toronto in the year 1970 and as all who are born I had no recollection of my previous life. It was a strange life that I lead and although all of my basic life needs were provided for by the family I was born into and by the acquaintances that surrounded me I had always felt somewhat segregated. I found that my opinions were very efficiently ignored. Whatever it was that I said was either completely ignored or even sometimes caused a violent revoke. Because of this I had the feeling of not belonging of not being accepted.

The feeling of not being accepted was and is somewhat of an underlying theme in this life. I have always felt that I needed to ask permission for my presence, whenever I would approach anyone I would pause for a bit before commencing to speak to see if it was ok that my presence be shared. Amongst people I always felt a bit like an uninvited guest and desperately tried to make up for it by being as kind as possible. But as always my basic needs were provided for and for some strange reason I have often felt that they were almost guaranteed as if I were some guest that had to be taken care of.

It was when I was amongst nature that I really felt accepted and I would even say loved. I never felt loved amongst people but in nature I whole heartedly felt acceptance and love. On various occasions wild animals would even approach me always with a friendly intent. I remember once when I was approached by a mother bear and her cubs I was afraid for myself, because I had been told that a mother bear would always attack if in presence of her cubs, but the mother bear looked at me reproachfully as if to say ‘what would make you think that I would hurt you?’. Animals had a way with me that made me think they seemed to know me, whenever I came in touch with an animal I would get the feeling that the animal had long since known who I was. Domestic animals were different, sometimes dogs would bark menacingly at me but I have never had anything but warmth from wild animals.

I also had a similar feeling with the sun and the moon. I felt that somehow they knew me personally. My life for the most part has been rather lonely and the greatest companionship I have felt is that which I believe that I received from the sun and the moon. Just the site of either the sun or the moon would produce deep rich feelings within me for which I was very grateful and always tried to project my gratitude towards whichever it was either the sun or the moon. I must say that the sun and the moon are rather different the sun being more majestic and straight forward while the moon is more mystical and mysterious. I truly love them both dearly.

When I was a child this love for the sun and the moon got me into a bit of trouble. I used to believe and probably still do that the sun followed me with its intentions and one day I mentioned this to one of those acquaintances that surrounded my life. He was a boy several years older than I was and when I told him I immediately felt his extreme disapproval. He told me to open my mouth and close my eyes, I knew that nothing good would come of this but due to my status of unwanted guest I felt obliged to comply. As soon as I closed my eyes and opened my mouth he spat into my mouth. I felt shamed and degraded which is exactly what I expect his intentions were that I should feel. Before this incident he had been cold towards me as everyone else was but now after this incident his hostility towards me increased and I suffered many further incidents of cruelty.

I not only had feelings for the sun and the moon but also for the earth, it may not have been as obvious as with the sun and the moon due to the fact that I could see them completely and the only place I could see the earth completely was in pictures. Pictures are no substitute for the real thing and they do not evoke the deep feelings that can be gotten from looking at the sun or the moon, but whenever I was close to nature I would also get feelings which I related to the earth. I loved all the seasons, I loved the rain and the snow and especially thunder storms. My relation with the earth was not as objective as with the sun and the moon but rather more like being wrapped and included I felt a part of the earth and I also loved her dearly.

Chapter 3

I was brought up just like everyone else, attended school and was part of the program society runs us on. I lived content, not happy but content. I followed routines, played video games, wasn’t much for sports though. At school I was usually slightly bored, had some friends, not many but a few. I was quite a bit of a dreamer, always with my head in the clouds. It wasn’t a very unusual environment but although I adapted as best as I could, I was unusual, it was evident in my upbringing and became more evident as I grew conscious of it.

I realized that there was a sort of pattern to this social reality that I was a part of, certain programmed responses to given situations. I am sure that if they tried they could write a guideline to existing in such a fashion as we did, that is if it weren’t taboo to describe our own social detail. But for example if you were exposed to aggression you reacted with aggression and if this aggression was mild then it doubled as humor. If someone was hurt a little bit it was funny but if it was a lot, it was serious. Then there were certain etiquettes that most would just automatically give into, things with the seal of official, anything with the feeling of authority or power was an automatic must like for most. A powerful sports car or a jet fighter occupied many a conversation back then. I was however different, what I wanted was a more grassroots natural feel to what attracted me, anything underground was to my liking. Although I must admit that I did occasionally cater to the sports car or jet fighter praise. We generally acted and reacted in a predictable and like fashion but we were young and the youth always find ways of including the element of fun along with life in whatever they do so it was not such a bad time.

I have always been very observant and it was when I started to question my reactions to certain situations that I realized there were more options of reaction available than what I previously believed. This is where I lost myself of the social reality I was a part of. It lead to different ways of thinking as my thinking was no longer direction based with an if this then that sort of mentality. I would now hover with a situation and try to contemplate, feel my way through it. I would discover new reactions to situations or even how to minimize my reaction in a sort of non response. Minimizing a reaction would mostly set it off to a later moment to be dealt with after more contemplation was had. All this observation of behavior seeks more consciousness of consciousness and expands the very reality that is available to us. One must however be cautious as expanded realities have more and different elements to deal with. This might complicate life while surrounded by people whose realities may not be as complex, you may find that there is little understanding of anything that is different.

The very notion of thought had changed for me it was no longer something to be taken for granted. I had removed myself from the social radio waves of thought so I no longer had any of the programming swirling through my brain, the if this then that sort of programming. Thoughts did come to me but it was more on an existential basic need sort of deal, and they were much more intense. I sometimes would have to lay down and meditate with the thought. Sometimes the thoughts would not just be in the forms of word but also visual, I would have visions with the thoughts. This all lead me to contemplate profoundly as to the very nature of what thought is, it is very definitely energy but weather it is contained in our brains or somehow leaks out and communicates with our surroundings in some sort of thought wave or more like a thought field of energy. As modern physics has determined that everything is energy and as thought is energy isn’t it possible for our thoughts to be influenced by our surroundings and at the same time to be influencing our surroundings in a continuous interaction.

There now came the question as to whether the thoughts were my own thinking, sometimes I felt as if I were the recipient of something foreign, that the thoughts were somehow being projected at me. It now became fundamental to differentiate when the thoughts were my own and when they were being projected at me. As all this thinking in my perception appeared to be happening within my own brain, it sometimes became difficult to tell the difference. I realized that thinking was a lot like speaking it could be louder or softer, faster or slower, clearer or fuzzier. If you received a thought that was slow and soft and fuzzy it might just slip by your guard and you might take it as your own. Or on the counter part if you received a thought that was loud and clear it could be so concise that you might also take it as your own. I developed a feel for thought and realized that there was a sort of personality to each thought. I also realized that no thought was completely my own as some would have more of my personality and some would have less. But then if thought is energy and everything is basically energy, what is to make us think that our thoughts are completely our own. We are all influenced by everything that surrounds us, breath air that was foreign to us before we inhaled it and yes participate in the energy that surrounds us with our thoughts, or partial thoughts as everything participates in us to.

I started to get a feel for the personality of the portion of thought that did not belong to me. This is where my world grew into much of what now is my personality as I found that my relations with these portions of thoughts was and is an integral part of who I am. I have actually managed to have conversations with these portions of thought that are not myself but think themselves through my mind as part of my own thoughts.

Chapter 4

It was really the sadness in my life that triggered my further involvement with thoughts. I would contemplate why I was sad, how I was lonely and uncomprehended. Why when I tried to seek understanding people would just back away and work their way to a place where distance allowed them the set reactions to my person they had always used so as to not have to take my opinions into account. I started to contemplate why I should have to be affected by this, why I was the one who had to be sad. With what I had learned by not reacting in a set fashion I tried to embrace this sadness, I tried to embrace my not being accepted.

I had realized that my not being accepted was due to my searching for more while others were content with the success they got from their patterns of familiarity. I realized that my very being took people out of their patterns of familiarity and this offset them and upset them. Even before all my experiences with thoughts my way of looking at things was different to that of others, I somehow allowed for more possibility within the possibilities of life. Once I could look at myself and see how I was, then the sadness became more bearable as I understood the reason for it and my being different was something that I was rather proud of, I saw myself as a sort of existential explorer.

There was still however the element of sadness in my life that came from not being able to share all of my exploits in reality with anybody. I understood how familiarity was a great comfort to people and how I would take them away from this all comfortable familiarity that they enjoyed but still I felt that my perspective on reality was also valid and merited some attention. I then became angry that people didn’t want anything out of their familiarity and decided that it would serve them right if I didn’t tell them and just let them go round in their circles of familiarity while I explored. I would become a tower on to myself and I would forget about them, or at least ignore them as they ignored me.

It wasn’t long before I realized that this still didn’t eliminate the sadness, even though I was different I still wanted to relate and felt that sometimes people wanted me to relate, they just didn’t want their familiarity offset. However, this sadness that would not go away made me think of the very sadness, it made me explore as to what exactly this sadness was. I realized that this sadness was different from any other sadness as it was the specific sadness that regretted my lack of communication. Sadness is usually about something that is not the way it should be and in this particular case it was that I could not get through to people. As I meditated on this sadness I realized that this sadness was not all of my own but that people also were sad, I felt their sadness as a part of my own. So I took this as a message that they wanted to hear me but couldn’t as they were not yet ready due to their patterns of familiarity. I then imagined myself as the only one of my kind, uncomprehended in a world that wanted to hear me but couldn’t do so completely.

I meditated further on this sadness and began to see the faces of the people as they wanted to hear me and I saw the eagerness in their eyes but as I started to open up their expressions changed to that of fear and mistrust. On this went from eagerness to fear and mistrust, and as I meditated further I realized that somehow some of the information that I stored as a person was getting through. In between the eagerness and the fear and mistrust there was a slim expression of understanding, it was slim and slow but it was there.

I meditated on this sadness continually, I spent hours upon hours in my fascination with the understanding that I was getting through, fully believing that it was having an effect. That somehow if I persisted I would become accepted by the people. I became fascinated with the slight expression of understanding and noticed that it was growing firmer. The intense meditation was also causing emotional reactions from me where I would become eager when the expressions of the people were of eagerness, with the fear and mistrust I would also become fearful and mistrustful and with the understanding I began to understand myself many details of the people. I would understand how all of their set patterns had been developed throughout history by the many joys and tragedies that they had encountered. I realized how tragic history had been for the people. Many of their experiences of repression had stopped them from seeking out, had stopped them from exploring the life that they were living. Such a fear had been conditioned against anything out of the ordinary, anything out of the routine, of anything out of the supposed control we were to have with all aspects of existence. Humanity has been obsessed with controlling the results of our activities concerning life and this has made the life lived by humanity to be one that is brutish and forceful in far too many of the aspects of life. It is good to have some control over certain elements but the attempt for absolute control can only lead to disaster as has been proven by the history that has caused so much fear of the unknown. After all it was the unknown that had interfered in the attempts for complete control, it was the surrounding unknown elements of life that reacted with protest to this attempt of complete control by causing disaster. The people had to understand that it was their attempts for complete control that were causing the disasters, the unknown would react differently if our stance on life were different.

Just then I heard a voice say in a very dry serious manor “Are you the Christ?” and I saw a face materialize from the many faces that made up my meditation. It was a bland face with rounded expressionless features.

Chapter 5

“Why would you ask me that?” I answered.

“It is you who seeks to bring understanding to where there was none.” The face said.

“But I barely understand myself, I am only just beginning to understand.” I was a bit affected by all of this, being asked if I was the Christ had deeply shaken me. I felt as if a great burden was being cast upon me, one that I wasn’t sure that I could handle.

“You understand well enough to help those who need your understanding.” Insisted the voice of the face with a harassing tone as if it could feel my anguish.

“But I myself seek understanding, all I want is that I not be so uncomprehended.”

“Yes you seek understanding, you wander where knowing is a mist and you do so unafraid. You don’t think that there are elements that can hurt you in the unknown, that may even want to hurt you. Then you want others to understand you, to be like you, unafraid. Their fear guides them, it keeps them safe you would bring ruin upon all.”

“But the life they lead is one of learned responses, they don’t feel for what they must do through their understanding, they just hope that the situation will respond as it has done so in the past. They confront situations that they don’t understand first with fear and then with force.”

“All that is unknown must be dealt with by the use of force, it is the way that purifies the unknown and makes it our own.”

“But can we maintain this level of aggression? It is very wearisome on the people they seem to be content on the surface but I notice a deep and painful concern that resides in the depths of their beings, how much longer can they hold this back from affecting their content daily reality.”

“They will hold, they must hold for all that is unknown must be purified by the use of force!”

“But there could also be helpful elements in the unknown that might get damaged by the use of force I do not believe that the use of force be applied to all that is unknown. We should feel for the elements in the unknown and develop a sense to distinguish which could be hurtful and which could be helpful.”

Rage filled the voice now “Blasphemy!! All that is unknown must be purified by the use of force! And you are the Christ who tried to ruin the way that things must be 2000 years ago and now you have returned to try it again! Well, we shall crucify you again!!”

And the face disappeared into a vast blackness carrying the voice along with it.

Chapter 6

I awoke out of my trance with a great leap that landed me on my feet. What had just happened? I had been talking to a voice that called me the Christ! This sent me into a very deep panic that laid its bed in my very bosom. I was overwhelmed, the weight of all that was the Christ fell onto my being, all the praise, all the suffering made its way into my own experience. I felt the conflict with society and I felt the crucifixion.

The following years of my life were very fragile as I was very fragile. The experience had left me overwhelmingly sensitive, every minor detail of what surrounded me in my daily life was blown into a dynamic of my being the Christ and all of a sudden everything was my fault. Every disaster was because of some portion of my being that was in disarray with its surroundings, every aggravation that I saw in society was because of my nonconformance. My difference with the society that surrounded me had now become my deepest agony. How could I cause so much suffering, the guilt that I began to feel was a horror so vast that my voice became trapped in my body and I could barely speak.

I hobbled from situation to situation, if my life had been difficult before it now became a very heavy ordeal. Every simple interaction was now a major transaction, the weight of everything I did was now so overburdened. I had to relearn myself with the perspective that everything that I did or thought now mattered more than anything I could ever have thought possible. I had to learn to be flexible and measure my responses. All my experiences with flexible thought now became crucial to me in my getting from situation to situation.

I learned much during this time, I learned how to sense into the unknown. As much of what surrounded me now was unknown, I could not tell how a certain action or reaction of mine would set of one of my guilt trips. Sometimes it happened because I acted to concisely sometimes it was because I didn’t act concisely enough. Whether I should have acted or not acted at all also became an issue. I started to develop a sense whereby I could tell how to act. How to maintain the composure of the situation regardless of how much was going on within me, how to know what to do and how to do it.

Needless to say I had recuperated my ability of speech by this time and was getting better at it. I found that I understood people better and that they somehow understood me a little better as well. I found that this sense that I had developed very much depended on my knowing myself and my surrounding as best as I could and of communicating as much as possible. Communicating with my every gesture and intention not only helped my understanding of the situations but also helped the understanding of the people around me. It seemed as if my efforts were not in vain. Things were getting better.

The experience of being the Christ, of believing that I was the Christ was a heavy one. As I got better I started to doubt whether or not I was the Christ. I mean I was Christ like in the sense that I wanted to change the society around me, but I did not feel like the son of God. It was something that just wouldn’t fit with my being, it just didn’t feel like a conjunction were being made. I slowly started to relax with life I didn’t believe I was the Christ anymore although I was still a bit Christ like at times as the experience had really marked me.

I then began to think about how my vision of the many faces that represented the people on my meditations with sadness had turned into that one face who spoke and accused me of being the Christ. This face, this voice had somehow impacted me very deeply in order to make me believe that I was the Christ. I realized that while in the meditation or trance as it may be I had communicated with something and it became aggressive with me. It had somehow projected the Christ experience on me and it was quite an experience. I also realized that although I had a bit of a rough time with the experience I had however learned a lot from it. And now I believed that I had actually recuperated to a level where I was more aware of my surroundings and had a better understanding of those surroundings. I believed that I could now be more successful at life.

The question of contacting with some form of entity was now beginning to become attractive to me again. I had already explored thought to where I saw how thoughts had a life of their own and could even take on form and become images. Now within this realm of freeing the thought form I found that there could be thought forms with intelligence who communicated.

Chapter 7

At The Hall of All Knowledge the sole purpose was that of maintaining The Sacred Knowledge of All. There was once a time where the accumulation of knowledge was important but it was long ago, beyond the barrier of memory. This was a society that had somehow learned all that there was to know, they had reached a point where there was no more to know and then decided to maintain this knowledge by putting it to practice through the reciting of it. This phase of the society had lasted for so long that it was all they knew, no memory remained of any other time. They saw themselves as keepers of The Sacred Knowledge of All, that is what they were, that is all they were.

When the case of contamination with the thought of more occurred the reaction was quick and concise. The expulsion of the contaminated one had happened with the minimum contact to others at The Hall of All Knowledge. It was a society where every member was of equal importance and carried their share of the recital duties. So when the contamination occurred those beings directly related with the contaminated one were quick to act and had both the ability and the authority with which to act. The decision of expulsion was shared by all those affected immediately, it was even shared by the contaminated one who saw the gravity of the situation.

The Hall of All Knowledge had existed in its maintaining of The Sacred Knowledge of All for such a long time that the contamination with the thought of more could have destroyed the very essence of this society. It was immediately decided by all involved that the concept of All maintained by the society had to be preserved by any means. The further expulsion of those who were involved was decided absolutely anyone with even the slightest knowledge of more had to be cast into the nothing and this was also carried out efficiently. But when they were cast into the nothing as they were not directly contaminated with the concept of more they did not end up in the same place as the contaminated one.

The new place where the indirectly contaminated beings would now reside was called The Hall of All Knowing and although they were to have absolutely no contact with the Hall of All Knowledge they were to watch over it and make sure that no further contamination occurred. There was something else that they were to do, they were to try and find out what had become of the contaminated one. There were many reasons to do this, the most important of all was that he had been a member of the Hall of All Knowledge and contained The Sacred Knowledge he had to be taken account of to see how this Sacred Knowledge had spread. He was also a bit of a mentor to those who now resided at The Hall of All Knowing as they were those indirectly contaminated and he was the original being who contaminated them. This was a very important factor as the indirectly contaminated beings never really had received the thought of more, they only knew about the thought of more because of the contaminated one. It was now essential for them to begin to understand this concept of more in order to protect The Hall of All Knowledge from any further contamination. This new situation caused a lot of excitement amongst the beings of The Hall of All Knowing and gave them a purpose that was of the utmost importance, but what really exhilarated them was that they could now explore more it was fascinating and new.

Back at the Hall of All knowledge there was no trace left of the contamination and they were able to continue as they had done for so long, without the concept of more. The Hall of All Knowing was also finding purpose in their new situation. But what had become of the contaminated one. He had been cast out alone and had been fully contaminated with the thought of more. Reaching him was now of the utmost importance to those beings of The Great Hall of All Knowing.

Chapter 8

I further experimented with my meditative states and the implications of free thought. I ventured many times into the sadness that had caused the meeting with the being that had called me The Christ. I searched for a response, I searched for a meeting with the being but I did not find any. I however did explore this sadness and its implications on my life, how all that I had in me to share that was not getting through wanted to flow. This urge for my sharing was also accompanied by the eagerness of the people for the comprehension that would lead to understanding. But as the understanding grew, it grew to fast, fear erupted and rejection followed as too much understanding too quickly may lead to fear and rejection. I meditated on this again and again in the search for understanding looking for the reasons that lead to the fear.

I realized that for the most part the fear wasn’t caused by a direct offence against ones being but rather by being overwhelmed, by receiving so much new understanding you worry that you are going to lose the understanding that you already have. But I have realized that nothing is ever lost all experience is somehow maintained so even if we are overwhelmed with the new, the old is still somewhere in there. Accessing this old may sometimes take extreme concentration and meditation but it is still accessible.

In my dealings I have also found that sometimes when dealing with beings they might take offence with you and attack you. This is usually produced by an impatience in a misunderstanding, all misunderstanding is temporary if the resolve exists. It can also be the product of a meaningful direct and intentional attack as what had happened to me. We must understand that we are dealing with entities with intentions to fill the plots of their own. That being that called me The Christ had full intentions when dealing with me and I believe that this being had prior knowledge of who I was and how I was in order to explain the way I was dealt with.

On my many dealings with the eagerness and the understanding before we get to the fear I find that there are things that attract us to each other. That is to say there are things that attract me to the people and there are things that attract the people to me. So this mutual good feeling is what fuels the attempts at understanding. The understanding has been rather difficult to bear as it has been quite dreary. The position of the people in this day and age is the repercussions of all their history which has been rather violent. At fist in the distant past this violence amongst the people was wild and untamed but with technology and the construction of order it became more structured and destructive. It has gotten into many aspects of life in this modern age so that many of our actions are destructive in nature. It may be that the conscious intention be one of routine and no negative thought be recognized but the actual impacts of our actions are destructive.

I realized what attracted the people to me, I realized that it was that I could somehow free them from such tyranny their violent past had had on them. That through all my instigations in different ways of being I could somehow find the way to loosen the grip all this violence has on them. This violence was causing suspicion of that which surrounded each individual and this mistrust of one another had lead to a society where things were stagnant, uneven, difficult and obtuse. People really couldn’t relate to one another on an intimate level and a lot of the natural experience of life was being made inaccessible. I realized this as I realized that I had somehow managed to find a lot of these natural experiences of life that in my observation were lost to the people.

Written by

Joseph Antony Bracamonte