Steaming into the future

I say Carruthers, what’s all that smoke coming from behind the hill? Isn’t that where your mine is located?

What? Oh, that! Don’t worry about that, old chap. That’s my new steam engine getting into its stride.

Steam engine? What, you mean like that Scottish fellow was on about when he spoke at the Institution last year?

Watt.

I say, that science chappie, don’t you remember?

Yes, of course I remember. His name is Watt, James Watt.

Oh, I see what you mean.

Yes, got the fella to whip up one of those steam engine contraptions for me.

Really? Whatever do you think you could use it for? The vast, iron, demonstration model he showed us, drove everyone out of the tent. What with the noise and the smoke belching out all over the place.

Ha ha, too true, George, too true. That’s why I had it installed out here on the country estate. Nobody about but agricultural labourers and colliers and mud-kicking urchins, so no need to worry about noise or smoke.

Ah, I see, but I still don’t know what it is you plan to do with the devil-sent contraption.

Well, my dear boy, this is why I am the brains of our little partnership and you are the merchant banker.

How do you mean, Charles?

Well, I plan to use it in my little coal mining setup. Thing is, Watt thinks his steam engine is only good for pumping water from the deeper mineshafts. I have other ideas, but I’m not telling Watt about it. He’d be charging me double for every steam engine if he knew what I had in mind.

So you are not going to use it to pump water out of the flooded mine shafts of yours?

Absolutely not. We’ve had water coming into those shafts since we opened the mine three years ago and it never gets to more than waist height. Though the pit overseer tells the lazy tykes who push the coal trucks that it will reach the top of the shaft if they don’t hurry along.

Didn’t you lose a nipper last year? Washed away in a flood wasn’t he?

Just what I mean. Fell asleep in one of the service shafts and was caught in a downpour. Parents had the cheek to complain it was the mine’s fault. Johnny lawyer said I should pay ‘em a guinea, to save a fuss, but I managed to bargain the price down to 17 shillings. Rob you blind, these mining families, if you let them. I wouldn’t mind, but the one who was sleeping on the job was the youngest of nine and only 10 years old! You would have thought they would appreciate one less mouth to feed.

Hmmm, yerrs, perhaps... But I still don’t know what you plan to do with this engine thingummy.

Oh, I have lots of ideas for bringing us right up to date and for our future prosperity. We will be leading the way, right into the nineteenth century.

Nineteenth century… what will the future bring, I wonder…

Wonder no more, George. The steam engine is the future.

How do you mean?

Well, I got one of the mine’s spanner men to rig up a flywheel and drum arrangement, to lift trucks of coal up and out of the sloping shafts. Reckons he can connect it to the Watt engine no trouble.

Really? That should save a pretty penny.

Yes and it will get the coal out three times as fast. If nothing else, it will cut a big chunk out of the labour costs. Not only that, but it will stop all that talk of wages and conditions. With half of them out of work, the rest will be keen to keep their jobs.

I should think they would.

…And that’s just the beginning, George. Met a chap in London, showed me some drawings.

Drawings?

Yes, drawings of some mechanical diggers he’d dreamt up. Great spiked shovels, worked by levers and pulleys. No labour required.

So who’s going to work the levers and pulleys?

Think about it, George.

Oh, I see, you think you could connect up that steam contraption…

Exactly! Y’know the thing about these inventor types… thinkers… is that they are so focused on their marvellous little inventions, they can’t see the bigger picture. Whereas I, being a man of the world, can.

Ha ha! You certainly know how to connect things up, Charles. What next? A steam-driven machine to replace the thinkers?

Yes, why not? You may be onto something there George, ha ha ha. Yes, indeed, a steam thinker… a steam-powered, artificial brain to give us some proper thinking. If we can have an artificial coal digger, why not a bit of artificial intelligence, what?