This is it folks, my final confession before the apocalypse: I hate Star Wars.
I'd like to preface this with the fact that I watched the series as an adult, and therefore am not faced with nostalgia bias when I write this. The people who watched the movies as children were blinded by the big furry bear man and the cool guns.
I was tuned in to all the Star Wars flaws. For starters, to quote my boyfriend (a man who has several Star Wars themed lip balms) "The Star Wars movies are meant to get people excited" - WRONG. Never once have I had my heart racing during a Star Wars movie. In fact, at least 3 out of their 11 movies (not including the Holiday Special. It includes a character named Lumpy and therefore is way too easy to critique and shall not be counted) are all about Space Politics. To illustrate how exciting these Space Politics are, the signature scroll states in the opening to Phantom Menace: "The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.". RIVETING.
Now, I hear you Star Wars fans, I hear you cry out that everyone thinks the prequels are bad and that they shouldn't be considered. And I am here to tell you: bullshit. You can't say a franchise is amazing and discount the worst parts. That'd be like saying you love cupcakes but you don't eat the ones with icing, those are just muffins. The prequels are meant to be there for a reason and shall be counted as canon in this review.
But fine, I'll move on. Because the sins of the prequels are not isolated within their own garbage compactor, so I'll gloss over the inconsistent timeline, the midiclorians, Jar Jar Binks and the racism. Let's start with the originals, I'm not gonna get into controversial bits like Greedo shooting first or whether Boba Fett should've died, because those things don't matter. What matters is the blatant mishandling of the main villain - Darth Vader. First of all, as Becca points out in Pitch Perfect, "Vader" literally means Father (not in German but in Dutch according to my best friend Google Translate). I can't speak ill of google translating character based words and utilizing that of a naming convention - that's what I do for all my D&D characters. But, I am a broke, twenty-something with no accomplishments and therefore deserve leniency - George Lucas has power and will be held accountable for his name crimes. Second, Vader is not scary. He looks like a scuba instructor that's really into capes. I get that he needs the armour and the mask to breathe, but he doesn't need that cape. Not to mention ALL of his supposedly powerful armoured lackies couldn't defeat a bunch of creepy dogs with sling shots. That's right - the Ewoks aren't cute. They're furbies with a tank. Now that we've cleared up that a snorkel named Dark Daddy is not much of villain, let's go to our heroes; Leia kisses her brother, Han is a cowboy with boundary issues, and Luke's a himbo who should not be trusted with lasers. There.
I've gone through the oldies, how about the new movies? The new movies are mostly just re-purposed plots of the old movies. Which, by the way, on the topic of repeating plotlines - the amount of times some evil group makes a big planet killing gun rivals how many times the guys in The Hangover are hungover. You'd think the evil guys would think of a better idea than "Bigger Gun". The best part of the new movies is that they make fans of the old movies furious. Ok, that was spiteful. They're just not that great, mediocre at best. Sure, it's nice to have a woman at the forefront of such a big sci-fi franchise, I just wish we had someone cooler than Rey. She is written like they googled "strong female protagonist" and then just had a bot do the writing. She's bland. She's a long-haired brunette who has problems but is important. We've seen it before. Star Wars putting Rey as their female protagonist is doing the bare minimum. So ultimately they made no one happy with that one, since manchildren are upset that there's a woman in their Star Wars and feminists are upset that she kinda sucks.
If you disagree you can meet me outside the 7/11 at midnight.
The soundtracks are good, I guess.