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Realization and church

week 5

By Cori MeltonPublished 3 years ago 3 min read
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Realization and church
Photo by Victor Malyushev on Unsplash

Week Five

A return to church, the same but way different

I went back to a church this week. In some ways, it was remarkably similar to what I had just left. Yet it was so vastly different. I went with a friend because I was not sure that I would be able to go through the service without a panic attack, but I did not want it to have that kind of power over me either. It was beautiful. It was held in the high church fashion, the incense, and the sense of awe that comes from the early century worship style. It was all in English. I did not have to struggle to understand what was happening around me. People wanted to be there, and they were not in fear of what would happen if they said the wrong prayer or were not in perfect cadence with the people around them.

I also came to a further realization that I believe less and less like them. As beautiful as the service and the church are, I know in my own soul that there is so much more then what they are teaching me. So much more to the faith even the profess. I want more. I want the love and security that they promised me. I want, I want, I want, yet now I must find it on my own. There is not really anyone who can give. My life is my own and will become what I make it. The stories I have found of people who have survived are cathartic, but I have realized most came to the same realization. Healing or hurting, trusting or not, it all comes down to ourselves at this point. I want to see the faiths of the world. To see what is good in them, all too often it is used to hurt others. We use it to exclude those who are not the same as us. Exclude those whose beliefs are just a little bit different.

I wandered the property of the church I attended. It was a large parcel of land, the gardens beautifully manicured. There was still a peace there. It is a peace that only comes when you leave all problems at the entrance and go and still your soul. Whether the creator is a part of that or not. It is a peace that is only attainable when you empty yourself of yourself. We are our own worst enemy. I am at the point that there are times that I feel empty. I want and need something to help fill me up again. It will not be through the church or through volunteering or anything else. I need to learn to fill myself. It is only then that I may be whole.

Tomorrow is a new day. A day of school and lessons and figuring out this crazy thing called life in the modern world. It is a day of politics and watching people fight over stupid things while others are just trying to survive. There is so much more to this world than I ever could have imagined. So much more to help, to love, and to grow. People to meet and things to see. In every eventuality, there is something that will give hope. There are people around who are willing to help, willing to serve, and all in the name of doing good for the sake of doing good. Not because the God they profess to serve tells them to do so. Maybe one good thing to come out of this craziness is that we are learning that there is so much more to this world.

religion
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About the Creator

Cori Melton

A survivor, using words to fight injustice, and make a place in the world.

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