Phoneless In Chicago

I know I had enough power. In any case, my phone's attached to the little circle charger thingy that runs off what used to be the cigarette lighter. Power's not the issue. Course it could be cat hair. Cat hair in the phone. My phone had that once, drove me around the bend until I had it cleaned it out. Saved a big repair bill. Siamese cats. Lots of hair. Not that I do my part brushing them frequently enough. There isn't a brush in the world soft enough to satisfy them.

But focus, focus. Six lanes of traffic in each direction. Now I don't know how to get where I'm going. Is this the right road to the interstate west? Wait, everyone's stopped. Everyone's stopped on this beltway or whatever it is. Radio. That's it. I'll check the radio. Static, static, then 'We interrupt this broadcast with an important bulletin. Cell phone signals are down. All across Chicago, all across Illinois, and, wait, this just in, all across the continental United States. Stay tuned for updates.'

Well, some of this could be a good thing. I sure won't miss my to do list. Oh but no! This is a crisis. Think, think!

OMG! Shouldn't I mark myself safe or something? Isn't that what you're supposed to do? Wait I need my phone to do that. And am I safe? I have my diabetic sensor but it's useless without the phone. Maybe there's internet on computers. No, that's right, computers were eliminated last year. All the computers are on cell phones. Another bulletin: no the cell phone outage is world wide. Yikes! That announcer sounds just like Doris Day. That's impossible. Doris has moved on to the happy place in the sky.

I have to reach my daughter. If this is the end, there's so much to say to her. How to find me in heaven (if they let me in), what to do with the cats. I'm sorry what I said about that boyfriend. Wait, what if she doesn't make it either? Oh no, steady, steady, I have to stay steady. I do not want that famcy internal defibrillator shocking my heart just now. Keep a cool head. Cold reason. Cold reason and a warm heart. That's the formula. Count to ten, special breathing. Cold compress. I don't have a cold compress. Oh but there's ice in my food chest. Good. That's the ticket.

Are there any landlines left? In museums maybe, but they probably don't work. What about the red phones, the hotlines between world leaders? They must be working at least. No, I heard that a while back. All hotlines eliminated because cell phones are more reliable. What if this is caused by enemies? What if they're going nuclear? What if the president's going nuclear in defence? Another radio bulletin. Unconfirmed reports from a silo that a change in DEF-CON status has been initiated. Not clear if it was authorized by the White House, or if the underground bunker has done it just in case...

That makes no sense. They can't change the DEF-CON status without a presidential order, can they? And without cell phones, how can this radio gal even know that? It could be a hoax.

That's it. A hoax. War of the Worlds all over again. This radio gal's some kind of feminine Orson Wells Wannabe. Any moment she'll break into the alien thing. You know, "the Martians are occupying the bridges, they're attacking, .... oh the horror of it, the toll on humanity..."

Well nice try, Orson or Doris, I don't know how you turned the phones off, but we're not buying it this time. I'm rolling down the window, and shouting, "We're not falling for it, are we? What's that? Are we what? Falling for it! We're not falling for it! Yes I'm all right. No, no one's fallen. Oh F me? Well F you! Step out of your vehicle and say that! Thought so. Buck buck buck chicken heart. Well so what if I outweigh you by a hundred pounds. You don't have the courage of your convictions. Jerk!"

Better roll the window back up. No need to listen to that A-hole. Call me Homer Simpson on steroids will ya ... Well, there's nothing else for it. The smart ones among us have to figure out what's going on, don't we? Of course we do.

Okay now, steady, steady, steady the nerves. No more yelling out the window. I have to figure this out. When in doubt start with the five Ws. When? Right now. What? Cell phones disabled. Where? All over the world. Who and why? Ah those are the key unanswered questions. Yes, yes. Very good. I'm making progress already. Who, and why. Which shall I try first? Hmmn. If I knew who I probably could figure out why pretty fast. And vice-versa. Yes, vice versa. Maybe I'll solve both at once. Ah the head is working. It's like that World War II movie. Tom Hanks's head is working. He's a smart guy, a teacher, and since his head is working he gets his company up the hill. Yes sir, that's the ticket.

Wait, that could be it. It could be a war. Somebody switches off all the smart phones and we're vulnerable. They could bomb us. Oh I have to get to my daughter. But how? We said in case of disaster meet at the Chapters Store in Buffalo. Oh God I can't get there. Oh what do I do? Oh God!

Calm down, calm down, this is where all those months of CBT should kick in. How does that go again? Am I catastrophizing? I'm not sure. This does seem to be a catastrophe, or pretty close. That doesn't help. Question the probability. What are the chances we're in big trouble? A hundred percent. This CBT isn't working. Why did I pay for it anyway?

Wait, if the phones are out all over the world, the enemy can't do much can they? All those AI drones? Useless.

Wait, that could be it. AI agents ganging up on the cell phones. Think about it. Cell phones are part of the AI guardrails. No cell phones, no curb on AI. The fricking AI agents can do whatever they want. If they think humans are inefficient, they can get rid of us. If they want to gang up on some poor weak AI agent, they'll do that. G.dmn. bullies! Pick on someone your own size! Leave the poor little agent alone!

Hang on, I hear something. Better roll the window down. Some guy has a megaphone. He must make announcements at games or something.

What's that? traffic is stopped for 18 miles. No hope of moving. We might as well walk? Might as well walk. Oh, everybody's getting out of their vehicles to walk. Okay, "well here's mister chicken sh. big mouth. I should pop you one in the kisser, but we're in a crisis... What? This is an emergency? Well, now you're thinking straight. What? What if you need insulin? Oh you're diabetic too! Stick with me, buddy, we'll figure it out. There must be a medical station somewhere along the route. Who do you think knocked out all the cell phones, anyway?"

"AI Agents? Say, that's what I'm thinking too! We must be right. But why are they doin' it? Stock market, you think. Well there's an angle, all right. But can they trade stock without phones? What's that? Oh there's a special futures market? On an AI bot net? Oh, I heard something about that. Commodities futures, isn't it? Yeah, chicken futures. That's right. I heard it in a broadcast about Meta-KFC. Supposedly that's the most rock solid business. Everything can go to hell in a handbasket, but people need their fried chicken. Right you are!

"What's that? Your cousin used to be a chicken executive? What happened? Laid off? Hmmnn that sounds suspicious. Probably laid off so AI could have their way with the markets. exactly, that's what I'm thinking too. You are smart!

"Say, speaking of chicken, I could use something to eat. Just as good as insulin in certain circumstances. Oh look over there, off the highway and across the street... it's the Fenway Pesky Fowl Pole Lunchery. I like that chain. You know, with this crisis, they have to be hoping to unload their fried chicken. Yes, let's do that. They probably have a sale on...

"We'll take four chickens in a basket. I mean four chickens in four baskets. Four chickens, four buns, 16 slaws, 16 fries, plenty of honey, ketchup, and gravy. And what have you got to drink? Sugar free'll do just fine. Can we get the phoneless discount? You must have a discount. What about fifteen bucks for the whole lot? Fifteen bucks for the buck buck buck? You're gonna lose this chicken anyway right? Okay done. And here's a buck tip for you buddy.

"Feeling better? Good. Me too. Their chicken may not be the very best, but it's pretty good. Not finger lickin' good but good just the same. And these buns are just what the doctor ordered. So where're ya from? New York State? Me too. Where? Buffalo, geez my daughter's there. I've got to reach her somehow. Wish I still had my old CB. I threw it out last year. What's that, a telegram? Geez do they still have those? And how does the signal travel? Does anybody know? I'll just shout it out. Does anybody know how to send a telegram? Can it be done?"

"Oh no kidding! That's why you called this place the Chicken Pole? You've got an old telegraph pole? And a telegraph line? Oh well maybe... Where does it go? Can I get a message to Buffalo? You think so? The line follows the rails along the Great Lakes? You haven't used it in years but you think it might work? Oh you don't know Morse Code. Just a sec, cover your ears while I shout. Does anybody here know Morse Code?

"Oh you know it ma'am? A hobby? Well if you know it, can you send a message to the Buffalo station? I need to reach my daughter. Oh you could? Ma'am that'd mean the world to me. What's the message? I should write it down, I mean print it, of course. Does anyone have a pen and paper? Oh yes I know the waiters don't take orders that way, but--oh sir, you have a pen and paper--it's your hobby--you're a calligrapher... Well if I could borrow your writing materials for a minute, I need to send a message to my daughter, and this lady will put the Morse code in. Thank you. It means the world to me.

"Now let's see... Dear Iphigenia STOP. This could be the end STOP. You have made my life.... what has she made my life? No cross that out. You are the apple of your father's eye... No that's just stupid. And somebody else will read this. One person at each end. I've got to think. Get my thoughts in order. Find the words.

"My very dear Iphigenia STOP. If this is really the end don't worry too much about that emergency plan we talked about STOP. That is if this is really the end STOP. In that case just lock the doors just in case and say a prayer to your mother who must be an angel up there. And mention me too STOP. I am sorry I made such a big fuss about your fiance STOP. As it turns out, his being an English major, well it doesn't seem that important now, does it? STOP. Really there is nothing wrong with English or liking it as a subject STOP. How did his favorite poem go? STOP. Was it To lie, lie asleep, purchase a dream? STOP I know it was something like that STOP. And there was that other one he said to you STOP. Something about a balcony and a light in a window I think STOP. And please go and collect Pixie and Dixie and keep them with you STOP. No pet should have to die alone STOP. And feed the tropical fish STOP. You could give them a little extra STOP.At least they can die on full stomachs STOP. When you get to Heaven, which you will, STOP. I think you will find me in the Logistics Department STOP. After all they will need good truckers in Heaven STOP. Otherwise how would they do the meals on Wheels and such? STOP. How would they move the equipment around without trucks, the harps and keep the wings in good repair? STOP. I wish I could be with you but I am stranded on the Interstate STOP. God bless. We will see each other soon STOP.

"There, could you put that into Morse Code? Oh, it will take you a while because it is long. Well thank you and bless you. Will it go off as soon as you finish? Oh it has to be relayed? Typed in every city? Oh. So it could take a while. Well thank you for your efforts. If you need anything carted in Heaven, just look me up.

"You know friend, this could be a good thing. I didn't really like that guy she was thinkin' to marry. All hat and no cattle. I expect she'll meet a whole different class of people in Heaven. Someone more like me. At least I think so.

"What do you think about those poet guys? I think it can't be hard. I bet you a Lincoln I can come up with a poem right here right now, just as good as those English major guys. Oh I know, you need to hang onto your five bucks. Every bit of cash might matter. I didn't mean a real bet, but what do you say? Wanna watch me try? Okay. Here goes!

"Here's me now on the Interstate

I'm okay cause I just ate

Then I telegraphed my daughter

Now I'll have a glass of water

Maybe this is our last day

Wish I had my weekly pay."

"Ha, ha, ha, that last line's good. Witty don't you think? Witty means smart, I think. Right. That's it.

"Hey quiet everybody. There's some kinda announcement. That gal really sounds like Doris Day. Or maybe Lily Tomlin doin' Edith Anne.

ANNOUNCEMENT: This concludes our test of the worldwide communications and transportation infrastructure. If this had been an actual event, you would have been assisted by your AI agents. We will analyze the results of this test and use them to prepare better the possibility of such an emergency. Have a nice day.

"Well, buddy, let's get to our trucks and move along. What's that you say? You wonder what the AI Agent learned this time? And you wonder what it might do next time? You do wonder a lot, don't you?