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Kinder Cosmic

by Farren Blackwell 2 months ago in future

On The Outskirts of Everything

Sometime in the near future; SETI has captured a strange, indecipherable signal originating from within deep space...

Somewhere just beyond the reaches of the kuiper belt. For months scientists and astronomers have mulled over the signal superimposing it on spectrographs, using advanced computer systems and data processing equipment to discern what it might mean exactly.

None succeed; though one thing is determined: the signal is infact of alien origin and that distinct images recovered from the signal take the very same shape of a mysterious hieroglyph found throughout various ancient structures and texts.

In conjunction with NASA the United States Space Force has planned a mission into deep space to determine the source of the mysterious signal.

In charge of this mission is the young captain Luna Valentina; her mission statement is to first find whether or not the source of the signal itself might have been sent my an extraterrestrial civilization. And if so; to establish communication and diplomatic relations with the potential intelligent extraterrestrial life that way be discovered.

After many months of travel throughout deep space on an extensive, dangerous, and daring mission of "space odyssey" like proportions of which there will be no great detail because it's rather boring and not quite relevant to this story.

Captain Luna and her crew find themselves arriving at their mysterious destination...

Loosely orbiting around the kuiper belt is what looks to be a small dwarf planet, on closer inspection the crew realizes that this celestial object isn't really a planet at all but a large comet that's been retrofitted as a sort of colony, a habitable satellite of sorts.

Peppered along it’s surface are small dome-like objects and other structures of a technological origin, illuminated by low level blue lighting.

The crew quickly determines that this must be the source of the alien signal and so they begin preparations for landing and meeting their newfound neighbors.

Luna is chosen as the diplomatic representative of earth and boards a lander to meet the small colonies natives, if they’re still around. As the lander touches ground she spots a figure moving towards her coming from the direction of one of the domes.

From the short distance of the landers position Luna can barely make out the appearance of the small, lanky, shadowy figure walking towards her position. But as the figure approaches it's features become easier and easier to perceive in the dim lighting of the colony and the space lander.

It is a "grey" alien, about 5ft in height it’s anatomical structure and facial features are humanoid in nature and it's body composition although smaller and thinner than your average human appears more in common with an anemic adolescent than some of the historical sightings of greys throughout history.

All the while as the mysterious creature approaches the human astronaut; it can be seen flicking it's head from side to side and waving it's arms periodically making audible "groaning" noises and muttering in an indesipherable dialect.

The creature pauses before Luna and starts speaking in a language not understood by man.

Luna stares at the creature quizzically.

The small alien holds up a single, extended digit and starts fiddling with a piece of technology fitted around it's neck.

Alien: "hold on"..

The grey alien continues fiddling with the piece of equipment.

Alien: "There....had to set my translator to "fucking stupid".

Alien: "WHAT!?!?"

Captain Luna steps forward and introduces herself then asks the creature it's name.

Alien: "Name? We don't have "names", those are a human construct attributed to the need to feel important, individual, a false sense of security in one's own identity when really not a one of you are all that different from the others.

Luna: Well then.....what should I call you?

Alien: "I'm the one that lost at the game of "rock, paper, scissors"..."

Luna: Then how about this? Since you're the first representative of your kind that Ive met, could I call you "alpha"?

Alpha: I don't give a damn...

Alpha: What do you want?

She tells him they found an alien signal and followed it.

Alpha: "SHIT! Jorg! Turn off that audio transmitter!"

Another alien yells from within a dome

Jorg: "but my favorite songs playin.."


*Another alien staggers out of a biodome with crystalline powder all over his face. He looks alot like alpha but is about 4 1/2 feet tall and with a slightly stockier build.


*Jorg sees the human, staggers back then leans forward and squints at them curiously.

Jorg: .....Is it real?

Alpha: yes Jorg, it's real...

Alpha glances back at the human: "What's it going to take?"

Luna: "Excuse me?"

Alpha: "What am I gonna have to give you in order for you to get your soft, oily, pale ass off my cosmic porch and go back to pretending you're an evolutionary fluke, a one in a trillion chance of life forming within this universe and that we never even existed???"

Luna: "But....why?"

Alpha: "Because the last thing I ever wanted to deal with when I woke up this solar rotation was you people and your bullshit."

Alpha: Do you really think we weren't perfectly aware of your existence? Aeons ago after countless failed attempts to educate and enlighten the failed evolutionary experiment of humanity we just gave the entire ordeal up because you people are a lost cause.

You are genetically predispositioned to ruin everything you touch, including yourselves and especially each other. So we decided to kind of leave you on your own in the boonies of the galaxy, all in your own sandbox entertaining yourselves like the slow kid in daycare that likes to bite.

Luna looks at Alpha, dumbfounded: well...could you atleast answer a few questions?

Alpha: if it'll get you to fuckoff, then yes.

Luna: "We found these hieroglyphs carved in a strange, unrecognized language on the Egyptian pyramids.

What do they mean?"

Alpha glances at the print of hieroglyphs and then glares at Jorg disapprovingly.

Alpha: what did I tell you?

Jorg: But it's my signature...


Jorg: you can't put a value on fine art...

*Alpha snatches a print of hieroglyphs from human and looks down at it again.

Alpha: That "fine art" isn't even spelled correctly, dumbass.

Luna: what does it say??

Alpha: "Jorg wuz hear"

Luna: We also found a chamber beneath the sphinx with one of those same hieroglyphs carved into the side of one of it's paws.

Alpha: What's a sphinx?

Luna: a half lion, half man ancient statue.

*Alpha laughs aloud

Alpha: oh shit! That's still there?

Luna: what's ins-

Alpha: Don't worry about it.

*Jorg is squatting near a large flat stone pillar with a small crystal in hand, smashing it into powder with a rock.

He stops, looks at luna, grins, slams his face into the powdery residue and then inhales deeply.

Jorg: OOOOooooooaaaaahhhh!

The little alien then looks towards alpha and speaks.

Jorg: By the way you know we're all outta exocrystals? Gonna have to go to Earth and re-up soon.


*Luna perks up quizzically towards Alphas secrecy and frustration.

Luna: You didn’t....you put dr-


Luna: But-


Luna: So the legendary "Hall of records" is actually just an alien drug stash?


Alpha: .......No?

Luna: .......

*Jorg falls over onto the colonies dusty surface then rolls around laughing hysterically as the dust is kicked up then settles around his little body still kicking and chuckling.


Alpha: "In all seriousness; why are you here? What do you want?"

Luna: "To further scientific understanding and discovery of extraterrestrial life within our shared universe."

Alpha: "Fuck are you people? The Galactic Federation??

Luna stares back blankly

Alpha groans to himself again

Alpha: Star Trek?

Well, you found us! Congratulations! You can go home now..."

Luna: But my second mission statement is to initiate interplanetary trade and diplomatic relations; if possible. With any newfound intelligent sentient life...

Alpha: That isn't really a decision I can make on my own. You have to....er...speak to the....

*Alpha coughs

To the..um...to the elder...

Luna: The who??

Jorg: "He means his mother, you've gotta ask his mom first."


Luna: You mean to tell me you two aren't even adults? You've got to ask your mommy before communicating with another species??

Alpha: HEY SMARTASS, I'M OVER TEN THOUSAND YEARS OLD! I've watched entire civilizations rise and fall in a span of time which to you would seem like an eternity but for me is no different than motherfuckin brunch at Denny's.

Luna: Then where is she? Your mother?

Alpha: "Her"

Luna: What? I need to speak with the elder, your mom. On behalf of humanity.

Alpha: You can't....

Luna: ........why not?

*Jorg snickers quietly

Jorg: can I tell her?

Alpha: Shut up, Jorg...

Because my mother is in the midst of an epoch long process of intimate cosmic renewal and rebirth, gathering energy and matter coursing throughout the universe and birthing new stars. Her language, her very existence is one beyond the capacity of understanding for lower life forms such as yourself.

Luna: I don't understand...

*Jorg snickers again

Jorg: What he means is; his mom is a "Starfucker".

Alpha: FUCK YOU JORG! I told you to quit calling her that. A thing that encompasses the very fabric of this reality cannot be summed up with such a crude oversimplification. Besides, that song sucks. The Beatles were better...

Jorg: The Beatles were better...

Luna: The Beatles WERE better...

Jorg: It's true though, everybody calls your mom a "starfucker". She's really hot too...

*Jorg points at Luna


Luna: Wait a minute....your mother is the pillar of existence? A great cosmic cloud that births new stars?

Alpha: "are"

Luna: .....

Alpha: is that what you call her?

Luna: Then how do I talk to her?

Alpha: ........I can facilitate communication but I really don't wanna.

Luna: Please do...

Alpha: FINE!

Alpha mutters to himself : shit.....

Alpha: hold on a minute...

*The little alien closes his eyes and then starts to levitate for a few moments giving off a multicolored aura then settles back onto the ground and looks back at captain Luna.

Luna: Well? What did she say?

Alpha: In your common parlance it would sound something like: "WHHOOOOSSSH!"

Luna: And what does that mean exactly??

*Both the aliens look at each other, back at Luna and then shrug...


Farren Blackwell
Farren Blackwell
Read next: Understanding the Collective Intelligence of Pro-opinion
Farren Blackwell

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