JUST.FANTASY?

Imagine a universe where you were free to be you with all of your good, bad and ugly qualities. You are loved in this place exactly as you are. Do you see it?

Guess what? You just fantasized.

"Fantasy" is usually associated with unicorns or sex (and sometimes both--we don't judge), but fantasy is simply your individual way of seeing the world. Fantasies are comprised of your hopes, dreams, fears, and your plans for the future. We even fantasize about what other people might be thinking or feeling.

Fantasies manifest in two ways: conscious fantasies, which are the ones that you are aware of and can articulate -- like George Clooney in a bubble bath. Unconscious fantasies are outside of your awareness but govern your beliefs, your thoughts, and your relationships.

Just as easily as you can imagine a soaped-up George, we can read into and imagine what a loved one is communicating. We have all kinds of miscommunications due to the imagined meaning we assign to our interactions. Couples, in particular, are famous for this because they've developed unconscious ideas about themselves and their significant others. When tensions or resentment runs high, every interaction -- even the well-meant ones -- are colored by unconscious fantasies.

If we are overtaken by them, fantasies can be detrimental, leaving very little room for relating with others. A common example is people who become involved in porn addiction; they have allowed their fantasy life to take precedence and interrupt their real-life interactions and expectations. But as long as you can separate your fantasies from external realities, fantasy can enhance your health.

The benefits of fantasizing:

Recharging one's batteries.The very act of looking at a travel magazine or reading a feel-good story can transform a person's mood. If you read all about a lush, remote island, you can feel as though you went there through your reading. It's an escape from the mundane schedule and routine.

Escaping danger or pain. For many victims of childhood abuse, fantasy has been necessary. Fantasy allows us a way to escape a situation that is untenable. For those who may be in a marriage or a job that they can't afford to leave, they can put themselves in a happier place through fantasy, imagining that they live in a different family or that they can walk out anytime they want.

Fostering creativity.Anything goes in a person's mind; there are no rules or parameters. Allowing your mind to have no bounds opens up the possibilities for creativity. Fantasies are essential to painters, writers, and to solving interpersonal problems.

Getting to know yourself.Being a witness or a third person to your own thoughts can be quite informative. Being able to track your fantasies can motivate you to try something new.

A mental holding space.Fantasy is a safe space. The person who longs to find true love or to lose weight and feels it may be impossible can retreat into a world where the possibilities are limitless, allowing a chance to play with contemplating change.

Imagine a life where you are completely physically and psychologically comfortable. You are surrounded by all the people you care about and who care about you. Your mind is quiet and you have nowhere to be, no responsibilities, and no conflict. You are enough just the way you areGenerally speaking, most people think they are better than average. They think they have lower health risks than others, are better than average drivers and are more likely to be the exception than the norm. This bias is sometimes called unrealistic optimism. It runs through people’s attitudes and behaviours—from their relationships, politics, and spending behaviour to the way they generally live their lives.

Many of us also live in another fantasy world that causes more harm. It’s a world where what we say does not match what we do. Where our knowledge, memories, intentions, expectations and behaviours are at odds with each other. I call this fantasy world "incoherence." Living in this fantasy world—where the facts about us just do not add up—is at the basis of many poor relationships, of stress, of continual disappointments and conflict.

Have you, for example:

Looked forward to something (a holiday, a date) but found the reality nothing like you’d imagined?

Been excited about buying something but regretted it later?

Set yourself a goal but done little to bring it about?

Wished a personal relationship could be better but wanted others to change to make it so?

Said you really want something (perhaps a good relationship or a better job) but not followed through?

Started on a "change project" (to lose weight, drink less alcohol, or made a New Year’s resolution) but given up almost as soon as you started?

These are examples of fantasies caused by personal incoherence. They are common but they can be avoided. The answer though doesn’t lie in harnessing your willpower resources. It lies in developing your own personal coherence.

Types of incoherence

Here are the four main types of incoherence fantasy:

The pretend-only fantasy. This happens when you are not really 100% committed to a goal, decision, or behaviour that is necessary to obtain the optimal outcome. The spoken words are empty and devoid of action potential. In this fantasy, the incoherence gets compounded and makes the positive outcome less and less likely to happen.

The commitment-without-expectation fantasy. Here, you might show all the signs of being fully committed, but deep down you don’t really expect to succeed. This fantasy perpetuates failure too. The low expectations are usually met because of the fantasy.

The hidden effort fantasy. A very common type of incoherence. It is the failure to fully consider the actual effort required to reach a goal or to take account of all the consequences of the change decision you make. Many people will "fully" commit to a goal but fail to consider the unseen costs and effort hidden in the decision. So you may set a goal, but not be facing up to all that’s needed to achieve it.

The others’ effort fantasy. This is a tendency to rely on others to make your change happen. It is when your desired goal is contingent upon other people’s actions. This fantasy is very common with people who have low levels of self-responsibility. It’s also seen a lot in people who have poor relationships, and in those who use their intellect, position or power over others.

"WITH LOVE:ENBHA"