I Can’t Stand Corporate Star Wars

I Can’t Stand Corporate Star Wars

It’s kind of weird observing this new era of Star Wars films. I was 3 when A New Hope was released, but it wasn’t called A New Hope then. It was just Star Wars, and it changed everything. Star Wars was so popular that Kenner toys was able to sell an empty box as a Christmas present because they hadn’t made the figures yet.

Seriously. Kids opened up an empty box that Christmas and celebrated. Theoretically the figures would come in the mail later, but I wouldn’t know because my dad thought the idea of an empty box was a scam.

The original Star Wars opened to only a handful of theaters. It wasn’t on every morning television show or juice box or magazine cover. It had a small budget and the critics were somewhat dismissive, sometimes even hostile.

But despite all that, Star Wars prevailed. The movie was good, it caught the imagination of the general public, it soared to new heights.

At 3, I was impressionable to this kind of thing. My friends and I all waited for the next movies and the holiday specials and the other made for TV spectacles. When Mark Hamill appeared on The Muppet Show it was like getting a second spring break.

But the more Star Wars grew, the more critics seemed to grumble about it. They became openly hostile, even hateful. Literature professors would snort at the franchise and openly refer to it as garbage.

“But Professor Snooty,” I’d say, “don’t you realize that people are camping on sidewalks for three days just to buy a ticket to the latest film? Nobody ever did that for Beloved. Isn’t that something to at least recognize?”

If you said something like that you’d spend the rest of the semester in the hall.

It was almost as if there was a whole confederacy of entitled individuals who were up to their eyeballs in envy that a single person named George Lucas would dare to control something so popular. Was all the hate just a coordinated attack to get him to relinquish his right to define the franchise?

Well, it worked.

George eventually sold out and the movies took a nosedive in quality. All your favorite characters are dead. They made Boba Fett a babysitter and episode 4 of the Mandalorian is a watered down rehash of 7 Samurai. However, all of a sudden, all the critics are completely in love.

“Oh, it’s great, it’s grand, it’s daring, it’s the BEST VERSION OF STAR WARS EVER!”

Now, every film gets free exposure from the Today Show before it’s even released. You can’t scroll through Facebook without seeing a million advertisements. If you dislike the new films you’re labeled as a misogynist or a Nazi. There are billions of dollars hoisting these turkeys up in the air and a billion more pundits who insist that the turkeys are eagles.

Personally, I think they should have saved all that money and just found another genuine eagle.

It seems odd that Disney would purchase the rights to Star Wars and then discard everything that gave the franchise a following. Would it make sense to purchase the rights to Batman and then make Bruce Wayne a used car salesman? Or maybe they should get the rights to the OZ books and focus on farming in Kansas during the dust bowl.

What is it about Star Wars that is perceived as a threat by companies with billions of dollars in assets? Is it just the thought that a kid in a garage could conceive of a movie concept that could be more popular than everything their high-priced, low-talent think tanks could ever imagine?

Star Wars is no longer the rebel alliance, it’s part of the Empire now, the empire that owns Marvel and the Muppets and...and everything. They own everything.

Despite the million dollar budgets and the billion dollar revenues, George Lucas always considered himself an independent filmmaker. He was kicked out of the Directors Guild for refusing to put credits at the beginning of the first film. They don’t like him, they never have.

Maybe because he had talent and they don’t.

A Christmas Carol used to get shown on network television every year, but you don’t see it anymore. Maybe it’s because the story blatantly emphasizes the fundamental evil of being rich. It’s part of a narrative the Empire likes to bury.

“No, Lucas can’t be your role model, you must be a team player, you must be like us, look at how we’re praised, look at how we profit.”

But no matter how much they spend and no matter how many weak minded fools they can get to sing the praises of corporate Star Wars, the turkey will come crashing down to Earth eventually.

Corporate Star Wars is unwatchable.

If you need me, I’ll be out in the garage.