I Am a Mess
An Introduction to the "Why" Behind The Not So Christian Blog
I’m a hot mess. Superficially, my life is pretty decent: I have a cute boyfriend, a good job in my field, and a savings account (yes, I just bragged about having a saving account and what?!) But spiritually—it’s like Judas took a dump on the floor of a gas station bathroom after wolfing down five burrito bowls from Chipotle. I’m not even exaggerating. I have this weird hole that I can’t fill. And I always thought that phrase was cliche but for me it’s not. It’s a hole that can’t be filled with recreational drugs, drinking, dick, or quality time with friends. Because on paper I have everything I need to feel... full. But I’m not.
And I’m not a nonbeliever or a person discovering God and the gang for the first time: I was born in the church. I was raised by good Christian folk who go to church every Sunday regardless of the weather and never even touch a sin. But I believe that those two elements are part of the reason why I have strayed so far from Christ. I always felt like I was putting on a show. I wasn’t doing the “right” thing because of my intrinsic motivation to do it but because the church told me I’d burn in eternal hellfire if I didn’t and my parents told me they’d disown me. Meanwhile, half of the time I felt as if they only wanted me to be a “good Christian” so that all of the other “good Christians” could see how good I was being.
So I grew to resent them. And the church. And God. And therein lies the hole. Because I’m learning it’s not God's fault that I was fed the Word on a dirt-encrusted spoon. It’s not God that’s the problem but how He was presented to me. But in the time it took me to realize that, I made a mess of my spiritual life: and I have questions. I have tasted the world and I can’t possibly be that “good Christian” that those in my life want me to be. If I’m going back there’s a lot of things that I have to figure out first—on my terms. And I share this journey with you in hopes that if you are in a place with the weird hole that endless bottles of Moscato can’t fill, that this will help.
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